Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 13

[disclaimer: I don't own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

I’m actively avoiding blogging about this book now. I know what happens, and I know how frustrated I will be each time I read a chapter, and it’s the worst. BUT I KEEP ON TRUCKING. Because I have a guilt complex the size of the moon and I hate leaving you guys hanging D:

SO. Let’s talk about chapter 12.

RECAP: Christian and Ana talk about things, like about how his issues stem from his childhood (all 2-3 years he was living with his “crack-whore” mom and her abusive pimp), and that’s why he wants to beat Ana (also he’s just a fucking nightmare of a human). Ana says she’s “stronger” than Christian’s mom, which I somehow doubt, but whatever. They go to bed. Christian has a nightmare, wakes up, and then Ana tries to “heal him” with sexy times (the only “healing” he needs is a goddamned sledgehammer to the dick). Christian finishes, Ana doesn’t (which has LITERALLY NEVER HAPPENED to her before), but Christian goes down on her, and then they have sexy times again, because Christian’s boner has a regeneration time of less than 2 minutes apparently. They go to bed, but then Ana wakes up and Christian’s gone, NO WAIT he’s just playing the piano because he’s so sensitive and deep (lolololol), and they talk some more and we don’t learn anything new (as per usual). But then they wake up again and SURPRISE they’re going to Aspen! Because they’re insanely rich for no real reason! And Christian invited the only friends that Ana has, half of which are just Christian’s family members. They get on a plane, and it’s boring, but there’s something weird happening between Kate and Elliot? I guess we’ll find out.

NOW THEN.

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO.

Chapter Thirteen

Apparently the plan landed well. I don’t know why this is even included in the chapter, because there’s literally no reason for us to know this information. OH WAIT I do know why it’s in here, it’s because E.L. James has no idea how to transition between scenes, and instead just writes down every. single. tiny. detail. Much writing. Very wow.

They get in their rental car, which is a big VW minivan, I guess.

“Want to make out in the back of the van?” Christian murmurs to me, a mischievous gleam in his eye.
I giggle. Who is this man, and what has he done with Mr. Unbelievably Angry of the last couple days?

WOW. IT’S ALMOST LIKE HE HAS TERRIFYING MOOD SWINGS AND IS PRONE TO DANGEROUSLY UNPREDICTABLE BEHAVIORS. HUH. WEIRD.

Blah blah blah, we get descriptions of the Rocky Mountains. Cool. Ana thinks about how filthy rich she is now because of Christian. Woop di doo.

Ethan (Kate’s brother) asks Ana if she’s ever been to Aspen. She hasn’t but Ethan and Kate apparently used to come skiing all the time.

“I’m hoping my husband will teach me how to ski.” I glance up at my man.
“Don’t bet on it,” Christian mutters.
“I won’t be that bad!”
“You might break your neck.” His grin gone.
Oh. I don’t want to sour his good mood, so I change the subject. “How long have you had this place?”

what the fuck kane

Christian literally won’t let Ana go skiing. An activity that CHILDREN DO ALL THE TIME.

You know what else could break Ana’s neck? Crossing the street. Walking in general. GETTING INTO A HELICOPTER OR A GLIDER WITH CHRISTIAN GREY.

THIS JUST IN: IT IS NOT ROMANTIC FOR YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER TO PREVENT YOU FROM DOING THINGS. EVEN IF THEY SAY IT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR WELL-BEING.

I mean, I guess if your SO tried to prevent you from doing drugs, that’s fine. But like…skiing? You won’t let her go SKIING. In fucking ASPEN. A literal SKI RESORT. What the fuck is wrong with you?

This is just exhibit 1230943 of Christian Grey being a controlling dick-smoothie. I don’t know why I’m even surprised at this. Of course he won’t let her go skiing at a ski resort, why would he ever let her do anything? Oh, but this is soOoOo romantic omg, be still my beating heart. I can’t wait until I find a man to date who won’t let me go out in public like Christian Grey, I mean, that’s the dream, right?

They continue the drive to the vacation house. Kate seems weird, and Ana thinks it might be because the vacation home was designed by Gia Matteo (the girl who tried to make a move on Christian) and rebuilt by Elliot, and I guess Elliot and Gia have history. This might have been covered in a previous chapter, but I don’t care enough to look, so I’m just going to assume that Elliot and Gia have boned in the past.

They get to Aspen, and it’s cute and full of rich people. What a shocker.

Christian is worried about Ana liking the house? And even says that he hopes she likes it, because if she doesn’t he’ll immediately sell it and buy a new vacation home somewhere else. But no pressure, Ana. The fate of a million dollar house is only in your hands. Don’t worry.

They get there, and Ana seems to like it (of course), and they meet the staff that takes care of the place. Please, PLEASE tell me this is where this book suddenly becomes a crossover with The Shining and everyone gets killed by a creepy naked ghost woman. I would pay so much money for that book, you have no idea.

We get a tour of the house. Nothing to report, really. It’s big and expensive and full of modern art and dark wood. Cool. Also there’s a billiard table, and Ana blushes, obviously remembering the time when Christian spanked her with a ruler on top of a billiard table. You guys remember that, right? That time when Ana literally was thinking about how bad it hurt to be spanked with a ruler, but she dealt with it because she loved Christian and he “needed” to do it?

#Romance.

They continue on the tour, and Ana is getting overwhelmed by all of Christian’s money. It must be so hard to deal with suddenly being rich. Poor Ana. I can’t imagine what it would be like to suddenly not have to worry about paying off my student loan debt, or rent, or food, or clothes. Such a hardship. She must be struggling so much.

sarcasm sherlock

Ana mentions Gia, and mentions that Elliot had a fling with her.

“Elliot’s fucked most of Seattle, Ana.”

UM? WELL OK THEN.

Ana is of course shocked by this, because Elliot is blond and blue-eyed. Because blond-haired, blue-eyed people are obviously forbidden from ever having sex outside of marriage. Or something. Anyway, Ana is shocked, but then she suddenly switches to thinking about everything with Jack Hyde, and now she’s sad. I don’t even know how we got from point A to point B, but okay.

Ugh, then they start spewing romantic bullshit at each other.

He grins. “Am I that much of a prize?”
“Christian, you are the state lottery, the cure for cancer, and the three wishes from Aladdin’s lamp all rolled into one.”

so incorrect

I don’t even…I literally can’t come up with anything sarcastic to say. People really think that Christian is that great. That is an actual thing that people believe. They read this series, read about all the times when he emotionally abuses Ana, the times when he stalks her, the times when he LITERALLY won’t let her out of the house (or the boat. or in her own car. or at her job by herself.), the times when he goes from being happy to suddenly being sad and angry, the times when he takes his anger out on this woman that he claims to love…people read all of those things and they STILL think Christian Grey is the human equivalent of a cure of cancer. That is an actual thought in a LOT of people’s heads.

I just…I don’t know what to say to that, other than WHY. Ugh. If you think Christian Grey is the ideal man, I’m going to need you to take a good, hard look at your life and your choices, and I want you to take another look at this book series and realize that YOUR IDEAL MAN IS AN ABUSIVE RIVER OF NIGHTMARES.

Anyway. Ana keeps trying to convince Christian of how great he is, because he has self esteem issues that I really don’t give a singular shit about. Then they decide to go eat lunch.

After lunch it starts pouring rain, so instead of going for a hike, the boys decide to go fishing, and the girls decide to go shopping. Holy gender roles, Batman! And Ana clearly doesn’t want to go shopping, but when Christian offers to stay at the house with her, she says “something dark unfurls in my belly at his tone.” I don’t know what that means. Is she scared of him? Turned on? Both? Probably both. But Kate wants Ana to go shopping, so Ana says she’ll go, and tells Christian to go fish because he “needs boy time.”

Christian says that Taylor will go with them, which Kate isn’t happy about (“We don’t need babysitting”). But Ana says that no, Taylor should come.

I smile timidly at Christian. His expression remains impassive. Oh, I hope he’s not mad at Kate.

Christian is literally mad at everyone all the time. Maybe if he just FUCKING EXPLAINED HIMSELF, Kate would understand why Taylor would have to go with. But no, Christian has to treat everyone like a child, because they’re not bright enough to handle knowing the truth of the situation. Even though literally everyone there already knows about the Jack Hyde bullshit. So I have no idea what Christian is even mad about.

Elliot is weird, and says that he has to pick up his watch in town. Christian says to take the Audi, and then they’ll go fishing when he gets back.

Cut to the shopping scene. Everything is expensive and designer and I can’t help but think of my own student loans, and of the MILLIONS OF PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY WHO ARE BELOW THE POVERTY LINE AND CAN’T AFFORD TO FEED THEMSELVES, but oh yes, go ahead, buy all of this designer bullshit that’s silver and really really short. Oh, yes, you should DEFINITELY buy that super short dress for Christian, he’ll definitely enjoy seeing you in a short dress, especially because the last time you tried to leave the house in a short dress, he was livid. What a great idea this is.

While Mia and Kate are trying stuff on, Ana sees Elliot out the window talking to Gia, and then he kisses Gia on the cheek and leaves. Ana feels weird about the encounter, but doesn’t tell Kate.

Uuuuugh and then they go and buy ludicrously expensive shoes that cost literally more than I make in a month. I seriously can’t handle this. This is obnoxious.

They finally get back to the house, and Kate and Ana have time alone. We learn that Elliot has been distant lately.

“And I think I’m in trouble for getting you in trouble.”
“You heard about that?”
“Yes. Christian called Elliot; Elliot called me.”

are you fucking kidding me draw

CHRISTIAN WHAT THE FUCK.

ANA WENT OUT FOR DRINKS FOR ONE NIGHT AND IT ENDED UP POTENTIALLY SAVING HER LIFE YOU GIGANTIC PILE OF ROTTEN DICKS. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. YOU GOT MAD AT ANA AND AT KATE? THEY’RE GROWN. FUCKING. ADULTS. YOU’RE HORRIBLE. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh FUCK THIS BOOK.

Anyway, they light a fire, Ana goes looking for firewood, runs into Elliot, who’s kind of weird and offers to take Ana out riding on these two dirt bikes, but Ana says no because Christian wouldn’t like it, to which Elliot replies “You always do what he tells you?” I can’t tell if he’s hitting on her…it’s a very bizarre interaction.

Christian comes back. He’s naturally weird about Elliot wanting to take Ana out on the motorcycles, but he seems…kind of pleased? maybe? that she said no. Then Ana and Christian decide to go take a bath. Oh, also Kate is mad at Elliot for some reason, because he was out in the garage talking to Ana I guess?

NONE OF THESE INTERACTIONS MAKE SENSE.

It’s almost like the characters don’t make sense either.

WHAT A CONCEPT.

Thankfully, we don’t have to read about their pre-bath sex. They get in the bath and start talking about stuff, about how Christian’s money belongs to both of them now and Ana shouldn’t feel weird about spending it, about what Ana bought in town, blah blah blah. Ana mentions that she saw Elliot and Gia. Christian says the two are just friends, and isn’t concerned at all.

Later, Ana gets dressed in the clothes she bought. She wants Christian’s approval before leaving, though, so naturally she emails him??? Like you do????

He comes up and is blown away by how sexy Ana is, and then makes a big deal of showing her how far her skirt is from showing off her vagina, and then he starts…fingering her?

“This is mine,” he murmurs in my ear. Closing his eyes, he moves his finger slowly in and out of me. “I don’t want anyone else to see this.”

…Just pee in a circle around her, Christian, jesus. That’s basically what you’re doing anyway. All this possessive bullshit isn’t as cute/romantic as you think it is. In fact, it sounds more like trust issues/controlling bullshit than like anything else. But hey, par for the course, right?

But surprisingly, Christian approves, as long as Ana doesn’t bend down.

Then they all go out for dinner. Everyone is having a good time, except Kate and Elliot are being weird.

But then……….

Elliot proposes to Kate?!

That’s nice but…Kate is supposed to be with Ana. They’re clearly in love. You’re only getting in the way, Elliot. Of course, this just sets up Ana and Kate ditching Kate’s wedding and riding off on the back of a motorcycle together. IT’S GOING TO HAPPEN, OKAY?

BUT THEN….

THE CHAPTER ENDS.

End of Chapter Thirteen

Oh man, so suspenseful! What’s going to happen! OH MY GOSH!

loljk Kate’s going to say yes, obviously. The plot of this book isn’t very complicated.

Anyway, there’s chapter 13! Who knows when chapter 14 will happen…maybe next week? I’ll do my best, guys. No guarantees.

And thank you so so SO much for continuing to read all my blogs! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. Y’all are the best :)

Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 12 [Part 2]

[disclaimer: I don't own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

So then Ana wakes up in the playroom to Christian having a bad dream. Ana wakes him up from that, and he immediately rolls over and pins her to the bed and starts making out with her, and clearly wants to have sex?

I mean, usually when I wake up from a nightmare, my first thought isn’t “OH MY GOD I HAVE TO HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW,” but maybe that’s just me.

But Ana has a different reaction (as she so often does), and is immediately turned on by this whole thing, and starts thinking about how she wants to “heal him,” and have him “heal” her too, and I don’t know what that means, but it sounds an awful lot like she thinks that having sex can fix the problems they have in their relationship, which is a pile of laughable bullshit, but whatever.

They have sex, Christian cums, but Ana doesn’t, and this is practically devastating to Ana. She’s literally never had to deal with a sexual encounter that didn’t result in her orgasming (the last time, and only time, it happened was when she safe-worded, and that doesn’t really count), so I guess this must be pretty shocking to her.

Christian, to his credit, immediately notices that she didn’t finish, and starts going down on her. This may be one of the only (if not THE only) redeeming quality he has. So that’s nice, and that page-long encounter is one of the few actually sexy parts of this book. Well…provided that you completely ignore the two preceding chapters, and Christian’s entire character, and just imagine that a sexy man is going down on a sexy lady…then it’s sexy. But once you realize that it’s Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele…the scene loses its luster.

And then…oh, they just immediately start having sex again. Because apparently Christian only needs to wait literally 5 minutes to get a new boner. Is that kind of turn-around time even possible for dudes? Maybe for a small minority of men, and probably only very rarely, if at all. I…I don’t think Ms. James actually knows how penises work, to be honest.

They both finish, and then they decide to go to bed in their actual bedroom, not in the playroom.

Suddenly it’s 3:20 AM and Ana wakes up to find that Christian isn’t in bed.

dramatic chipmunk

SO SUSPENSEFUL. WOW.

Ana hears the piano playing in the other room. She goes to find him, and he says he’s really shaken up by the whole situation.

“A deranged asshole gets into my apartment to kidnap my wife. She won’t do as she’s told. She drives me crazy. She safe words on me.” He closes his eyes briefly, and when he opens them again, they are stark and raw. “Yeah, I’m pretty shaken up.”

I’m so glad you put “Ana doesn’t do what she’s told” in the same category as “Jack Hyde attempts to kidnap my wife.” Those two problems are definitely of equal severity.

Christian seems to be FAR MORE upset that Ana went to the bar without his permission than he is about Jack Hyde breaking in. Which is pretty fucked up.

Christian then says that he dreamed that Ana was dead, which I imagine would be a pretty horrifying dream, but it doesn’t make me feel bad for him in any way because he is literally irredeemable in my eyes. He’s a manipulative, abusive asshole, and no amount of sad nightmares will make me forget that.

They go back to bed, and wake up much more peacefully. Unfortunately, that means that Ana wakes up and has plenty of time to reflect on things, which means I’m in for an exceedingly boring couple of pages. Ugh. I hate when Ana has time to think about things, nothing she says in these parts is every interesting.

Christian wakes up, and SURPRISE they’re going to Aspen. Because when you’re a rich bastard you can just wake up and decide to go to Aspen. Over-privileged dick.

They get to the airport and find out that Christian has also invited Kate, Elliot, Mia, and Ethan (Kate’s brother). That was nice of him. It’s also nice that none of them have jobs that don’t allow them to take vacation time. I mean, I read a lot of fantasy novels, and I’m pretty good at suspending my disbelief, but the level of sheer absurdity that takes place in this series is astonishing. I think Westeros is a more realistic world than the one in this series, to be honest.

The plane ride is largely boring, with Kate interrogating Ana and Christian about the Jack Hyde business, and how apparently Jack Hyde might have been working with someone else. Ana asks if it could be Elena (formerly known as Mrs. Robinson), but Christian dismisses the idea. There seems to be something weird going on between Kate and Elliot, but we don’t know what it is yet.

End of Chapter Twelve

Well, at least this chapter wasn’t as horrifying as the last two. So there’s that. This one was pretty routine, mostly boring, with a few sentences thrown in to remind me exactly why I hate Christian Grey so much.

I have no idea when the next chapter will be up, but hopefully it will be next week sometime! No guarantees, obviously, but I’ll do my best. Thanks for reading! You all are seriously the best.

Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 12 [Part 1]

[disclaimer: I don't own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

I literally had to take a leave of absence from this blog because the last chapter made me so furious that I couldn’t see straight. But I’m back! Because apparently I’m a glutton for punishment. I also blog with renewed purpose, because now that the 50SoG trailer is out, interest is going to start escalating, and I want to give all of you the knowledge that you need in order to successfully argue with the poor people who’ve been sucked into the nightmare that is these books. Hopefully, by reading this blog, you have all the information you need to destroy anyone in an argument about these books. And you don’t even have to read the books to get that information!

I, however, DO need to read these books (and am in fact reading them a second time for the sole purpose of accurately and adequately liveblogging them), so let’s get started.

God help me.

RECAP: Let’s make this fast, kids. So Christian is still mad at Ana for going out without his permission, so she gets home from work to find him all sexed-up in his ripped jeans, and they kind of have a conversation about their issues, except Christian doesn’t seem to actually listen to Ana, and is all caught up in the bullshit idea that HOW DARE SHE LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT ASKING MY PERMISSION. Ana pretends like she knows Christian isn’t going to hurt her (“physically, anyway”), which is bullshit because THEY LITERALLY STARTED DATING BECAUSE HE WANTED TO BEAT AND FUCK HER SO BADLY but I mean whatever. Then they decide that Ana needs to eat, even though they haven’t really resolved any problems, and Christian starts sexy-feeding Ana and spitting wine into her mouth (and literally nothing could be less erotic than spitting a drink into someone else’s mouth, but whatever). Then they head over to the playroom, where more sexy stuff ensues. Christian keeps trying to make this whole thing a metaphor for how Ana makes him feel, so he plays with her nipples and teases her lady-bits but won’t let her orgasm. He does this several times, until Ana realizes that he’s doing this out of revenge, not out of love, so she says the safeword (“red”) and begins sobbing.

Christian, to his credit, does immediately stop, and unties Ana and holds her and stuff, but then he tries to act like he didn’t do anything wrong, and says that “orgasm denial is a standard tool” in BDSM (which is bullshit because you know what else is standard in BDSM? INFORMED. FUCKING. CONSENT.) and he also basically says that this is all Ana’s fault for not obeying him or some shit, which is a literal pile of garbage and I can’t even get into how actually insane this whole relationship is. And then GUESS WHAT! ANA STARTS APOLOGIZING FOR BEING SELFISH AND GOING OUT TO THE BAR WITHOUT CHRISTIAN’S PERMISSION. FUCK EVERYTHING. But then they go back to talking about the thing with Jack Hyde, and it’s revealed that Jack Hyde is from Detroit, which is also where Christian was born, and we’re supposed to gasp in shock at this, but I can’t find it in me to give a singular shit about that plot point because WHAT THE FUCK, CHRISTIAN GREY IS A GODDAMNED NIGHTMARE-MAN.

GAH. STILL LIVID. FUCK.

Anyway.

Chapter Twelve

The chapter opens with Ana and Christian still discussing Jack Hyde. We learn that Christian and Elliot were both adopted in Detroit, but then the whole family moved to the west coast before Mia was born.

boring me back to death

I don’t have words to describe how little I care about everything that they’re saying.

And then they start talking about Christian’s childhood, and Christian tries to say that “that part of [his] life is done,” which it clearly isn’t, because his childhood is allegedly (according to him) the reason why he feels the need to beat women (and just because he has a “reason” doesn’t mean he has an excuse for his actions, because it’s never okay to beat anyone. End of story).

“I know it’s why you feel the need to control me. Keep me safe.”
“And yet you choose to defy me,” he murmurs baffled, his hand stilling in my hair.

SHE CHOOSES TO LIVE HER LIFE LIKE A GODDAMNED ADULT, WHICH MEANS SHE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO GO WHERE SHE WANTS, WHEN SHE WANTS, WITH WHO SHE WANTS, YOU PSYCHOTIC PUDDLE-OF-FUCKS.

“and yet you choose to defy me” BY GOING OUT WITH HER FRIENDS, YOU VOLCANO OF DILDOS?! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.

And Ana isn’t even mad about that! She’s just like “omg do I do that on purpose?!” I don’t care if you do it on purpose, Ana, what I care about is the fact that your goddamned husband won’t let you go out with your friends without his permission.

“Christian, I know you loved your mom, and you couldn’t save her. It wasn’t your job to do that. But I’m not her.”

I don’t…understand…what? He has told you that he enjoys beating women who look like his mom. That was his number one reason for dating you. I have no idea how that stems from the fact that he couldn’t save his mom. I also don’t know how all of these mental issues could come from the fact that he was abused by his mother’s pimp, and his mother’s early death, because all of that happened before Christian was 4 years old? And I know kids can retain a lot of that stuff, and it doesn’t surprise me that he has emotional issues because of that abuse/emotional hardship, but these specific issues don’t seem to make sense in that context. His trust issues, the fact that he has trouble being touched, that makes sense. The need to beat women? I don’t know, but I’m inclined to think that those issues come from his own fucked up brain, and his sad, broken childhood (1-2 years of which he wasn’t old enough to remember) doesn’t really account for (and DEFINITELY doesn’t excuse) his terrible behavior that results from those issues.

I also have no idea how on earth Christian even survived as a baby…also if his mom was addicted to crack…shouldn’t Christian have more health problems? How was he born so beautiful and perfect, without a single health defect, when he came from a woman (and presumably a man) who had so many health issues?

I just don’t buy any of Christian’s history. It doesn’t explain his personality. Maybe I’m just ignorant about how such a childhood could affect someone, but it seems REALLY far-fetched to me.

“I’m not her. I’m much stronger than she was. I have you, and you’re so much stronger now.”

Ana, you’re “stronger” than Christian’s crack-whore mother? Really? You don’t know anything about that woman’s life. You came from a white, upper-middle-class family, who, aside from having problems with divorce and things, could give you anything you ever wanted. You didn’t have to worry about going to school, or getting a well-paying job (even though you have a goddamned English degree), or having a place to live or food to eat. Christian’s mother could have been born poor, or other such circumstances could have driven her to do drugs. Maybe she needed to be a sex worker to pay the rent, to pay for food, to pay for basic necessities. And, since prostitution is still illegal in the U.S., she had to put herself in a very dangerous position, without the benefit of police, or adequate healthcare, or any kind of real support, just to make money. And then she got pregnant, and had a baby, and had to take care of that baby, and obviously she did a pretty okay job of that, under the circumstances, considering the fact that Christian is even alive right now. And then she was beaten to death by a man that she had no hope of escaping from, because she had no money without him, no home without him, no food without him, and she had a baby to worry about, and, as a sex worker, where else was she supposed to go? Sure, there are homes and places that will take people like that in, but what if her pimp found out that she’d run off? What might happen to her? So instead she stayed. And dealt with the beatings. And dealt with her own flaws, and her own shitty life, and then died at a very young age, alone and sad in a dirty apartment.

And you, Ana, you who have everything you ever wanted, you who has never wanted for anything in your whole life, you say that you’re somehow stronger than that woman? Really?

I call bullshit.

Anyway, so then Christian asks Ana why she safe-worded.

I swallow. “Because…because you were so angry and distant and…cold. I didn’t know how far you’d go.”

NOW TELL ME AGAIN, HOW IS THIS RELATIONSHIP NOT ABUSIVE?

If you’re in a situation with your partner, and you are literally terrified of them because you “don’t know how far they’ll go,” that is FUCKED UP and you need to GET THE FUCK OUT.

And then Christian says he’s “glad” that Ana safe-worded because he got “carried away” and he doesn’t “want to hurt” Ana.

I just can’t believe the literal fountain of bullshit excuses that is spewing from Christian’s mouth right now. I mean, really, it’s quite impressive.

But Ana just thinks this is all endearing and charming, and they talk about how much they need each other, how much they missed each other, how much they love each other, and then they go to sleep. Ugh. Vomit.

Caitlin Liveblogs the Fifty Shades trilogy: SPECIAL REPORT

So, as I’m sure many of you saw, a teaser trailer has been released for the upcoming Fifty Shades of Grey movie, that is set to come out this coming Valentines Day (in 2015).

Here it is, in all of it’s glory:

I tried to embed the video, but I am pretty historically terrible at doing that, so here’s the link as well, in case the above video doesn’t work:

So, as the resident expert on this awful, horrifying nightmare of a book series, here are my thoughts:

THIS TRAILER IS SETTING UP AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

THIS TRAILER LOOKS LIKE A TRAILER FOR A MOVIE THAT’S ABOUT HOW A WOMAN FALLS IN LOVE WITH AN ABUSIVE MAN. IT LOOKS LIKE A THRILLER MOVIE ABOUT A BAD, ABUSIVE MAN, SOMEONE WHO IS CAPABLE OF STALKING, BEATING, THREATENING, OR OTHERWISE ABUSING/HARMING A WOMAN.

So, as far as I’m concerned, it actually looks pretty accurate to the books. And maybe women will see this and go “wait…why does he seem like he constantly wants to rape her?”

I mean, fucking jesus, look at what happens about :50 into the video. The elevator doors close, and the music swells, and the music doesn’t crescendo like it does in romantic scenes of movies, it crescendos the way it does when Wendy is trying to get out of the bathroom window in The Shining, right before Jack Nicholson axes the door.

I don’t see how this movie can be “romantic,” because it just screams “abuse.” And if the movie stays faithful to the books, it will LITERALLY just be porn. Bad porn.

However, the movie does have one really great advantage over the books: when you watch the movie, you won’t have to suffer through pages upon pages upon pages of Anastasia Steele’s god-awful internal dialogue. No “internal goddess,” no up-tight subconscious, no 20 pages of useless thoughts and opinions that don’t advance the plot or develop the characters in any way.

So, I guess there’s that?

I don’t know. I just keep thinking of the movie “Fear,” with Mark Wahlberg and Reese Witherspoon, the one where it starts off romantic and then suddenly people are carving names into their chests and holding a family hostage inside their home. If there is any kind of truth in this movie, they will change the ending and show Christian Grey for what he actually is: a manipulative fuck-bucket who derives happiness and pleasure from causing pain (emotional and physical) to women, and who enjoys stalking people and preventing his girlfriend/wife from going out in public with anyone other than him. But I’m sure that instead the movie will try and make Christian seem like the “perfect man” that so many people think he is, and I will have a thousand more people to argue with about this bullshit.

What are your thoughts?

[PS: I'm working on the next chapter of liveblogs right now, so you can hopefully expect them later tonight, or tomorrow at the latest.]

Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 11 [Part 2]

[disclaimer: I don't own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

So Christian blindfolds Ana in the kitchen. And then…drinks some wine…and spits it…into Ana’s mouth?

WHY.

JUST DRINK WINE LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE.

Ugh and then Christian puts something in the microwave, but then it’s really hot when he takes it out, and he burns himself?

“I just burned myself. Here.” He eases his index finger into my mouth. “Maybe you could suck it better.”
“Oh.”

HOW DO YOU SAY “OH” WHEN HIS FINGER IS IN YOUR MOUTH.

Also, like, I get that sucking on fingers is sexy, but I literally can’t stomach any sexual interaction between these two characters, because I live in a constant state of being physically repulsed by Christian Grey.

So he keeps feeding her different foods, and it’s not terribly interesting, to tell the truth.

Aaaaand now they’re headed for the playroom. Goodie.

He ties her to some kind of cross-thing, which I imagine looks like the cross-thing that a certain someone gets tied to in Game of Thrones…(*subtle plug to read the books*)

Christian does some sexy stuff, like playing with Ana’s nipples and everything, teasing her.

“Christian,” I plead.
“I know,” he murmurs his voice hoarse. “This is what you make me feel.”

Excuse me, what? I don’t understand. She makes you feel like nipples?

Christian now starts torturing Ana with a vibrator, which he uses to get her really close to having an orgasm and then he immediately stops. He does this several times, and each time it drives Ana insane.

“Frustrating, yes?” he murmurs against my throat. “Just like you. Promising one thing and then..” his voice trails off.

dramatic staring

WOAH WOAH WOAH.

WHEN DID SHE PROMISE ANYTHING.

WHAT THE FUCK.

HE’S PUNISHING HER. HE’S STILL MAD AT HER. MAD FOR SOMETHING THAT’S FUCKING RIDICULOUS. AND HE’S USING SEX TO PUNISH HIS WIFE, BECAUSE HE’S A GODDAMNED NIGHTMARE.

“You are the most frustrating woman I have ever met.”

SO YOU’RE GOING TO FUCKING TORTURE HER? YOU FUCKING MANIAC.

THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP OF ANY KIND.

“But Caitlin, that’s how BDSM works…”

NO.

SORRY.

DO NOT PASS GO. DO NOT COLLECT $200.

BDSM IS SAFE, SANE, AND CONSENSUAL. IT OPERATES UNDER SPECIFIC, MUTUALLY AGREED UPON RULES, WITH THE IDEA BEING THAT THE SUBMISSIVE HAS ALL THE POWER, AND THE SUBMISSIVE AGREES TO THESE RULES AND AGREES TO BE CONTROLLED.

BDSM SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE PRACTICED WHEN YOU ARE ANGRY AND OUT OF CONTROL OF YOURSELF. IT SHOULD NOT BE USED AS A PUNISHMENT FOR BREAKING A RULE THAT HAS NOT BEEN AGREED UPON.

THIS IS FUCKED UP.

I DON’T CARE THAT HE’S NOT TECHNICALLY HURTING HER.

HE’S STILL BEING AN EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATIVE FUCK, AND HE’S BEING A REALLY DANGEROUS AND SCARY DOM, AND HE SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO BE IN ANY SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE HE’S A GODDAMNED DISASTER OF A HUMAN BEING.

Can I play this game? No. No. No.–I can’t do this. I know he’s not going to stop. He’s going to continue to torture me. His hand travels down my body once more. No… And the dam bursts—all the apprehension, the anxiety, and the fear from the last couple of days overwhelming me anew as tears spring to my eyes. I turn away from him. This is not love. It’s revenge.

ru paul this

TAH. FUCKING. DAH.

THAT’S IT RIGHT THERE.

ANASTASIA FUCKING STEELE SAID IT HERSELF.

THIS ISN’T LOVE. THIS ISN’T ROMANTIC.

THIS IS GODDAMNED FUCKED UP, AND I WANT EVERYONE TO SEE HOW FUCKED UP IT IS.

THIS ISN’T THE IDEAL RELATIONSHIP. CHRISTIAN ISN’T THE IDEAL MAN.

HE IS A HORRIFYING MONSTER WHO SHOULD NEVER BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE, BECAUSE HE IS DANGEROUS, AND HAS SOME OF THE SCARIEST MOOD SWINGS I’VE EVER SEEN, AND YOU NEVER KNOW IF HE’S GOING TO HURT YOU, OR ABUSE YOU EMOTIONALLY, AND THAT’S A GODDAMNED NIGHTMARE.

THIS RELATIONSHIP IS SAD. AND SCARY. AND DISTURBING ON A LOT OF LEVELS.

“Red,” I whimper. “Red. Red.” The tears course down my face.

spit take

(for those of you who don’t remember (WHICH I DON’T BLAME YOU BECAUSE CHRISTIAN EXPLAINED SAFE-WORDS TO ANA A GRAND TOTAL OF LIKE ONE AND A HALF TIMES), the word “red” is their safe-word)

He stills. “No!” He gasps, stunned. “Jesus Christ, no.”

Christian quickly unties Ana from the thing, and carries her over to the bed, where she lays in his lap, sobbing.

Gee, how romantic. I’m so in love, aren’t you guys? I can totally understand how so many people think this relationship is the best.

sarcasm sherlock

Christian wraps Ana in the sheet and holds her, and says “I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” as if that makes it better. You dick.

AND THEN

So much has happened over the last few days—fires in computer rooms, car chases, careers planned out for me, slutty architects, armed lunatics in the apartment, arguments, his anger—and Christian has been away. I hate Christian going away.

NO.

FUCK THAT.

YOU ARE CRYING AND UPSET BECAUSE OF WHAT CHRISTIAN, AND CHRISTIAN ALONE, HAS PUT YOU THROUGH.
THAT AND MAYBE GETTING YOUR HOUSE BROKEN INTO.

STOP BLAMING THIS FEELING ON EVERYTHING BUT THE ACTUAL SOURCE.

ALSO, STOP ACTING LIKE YOU’RE UPSET BECAUSE CHRISTIAN WENT AWAY.

THAT’S FUCKED UP. YOU’RE A GROWN-ASS WOMAN. YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO HANDLE YOUR GODDAMNED HUSBAND GOING AWAY FOR 2 FUCKING DAYS.

I mean, I guess it’s been stressful, with all the Jack Hyde stuff. I get that. But even without that, Ana would STILL be this upset about Christian going away, and that is FUCKED UP and is NOT OKAY.

Uggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

FURIOUS. I AM FURIOUS RIGHT NOW.

Ana finally stops crying, and asks Christian why he did that.

“I got lost in the moment,” he says unconvincingly.

WHAT, ARE YOU GOING TO MURDER HER NEXT TIME YOU’RE CHOPPING ONIONS, BECAUSE YOU GOT “LOST IN THE MOMENT” AND COULDN’T HELP BUT STAB HER WITH A KNIFE?

IF YOU CAN’T FUCKING CONTROL YOURSELF, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS MARRIAGE.

“Ana, orgasm denial is a standard tool in—You never–” He stops.

let me stop you right there
DON’T YOU DARE TRY TO MAKE THIS SEEM LIKE ANA IS OVERREACTING.

YOU NEVER FUCKING EXPLAINED BDSM. YOU NEVER TOLD HER ABOUT ORGASM DENIAL. SHE’S ALLOWED TO TELL YOU TO STOP, AND YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO SAY JACK SHIT ABOUT IT, BECAUSE SHE’S THE SUB AND SHE’S THE ONE WHO GETS TO SAY WHAT HAPPENS AND WHAT DOESN’T. AND MAYBE IF YOU HAD EXPLAINED WHAT YOU WERE DOING, OR, AND I KNOW THIS IS A STRETCH, MAYBE IF YOU HADN’T TRIED TO PRACTICE BDSM WHEN YOU WERE CLEARLY IN AN UNSAFE, UN-SANE MOOD, MAYBE SHE WOULDN’T HAVE FELT THE NEED TO SAFE-WORD.

MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T USE SEX AS A WEAPON, YOU WOULDN’T BE IN THIS MESS.

MAYBE IF YOU WEREN’T SUCH A GODDAMNED BUCKET OF FECAL MATTER, YOUR WIFE WOULDN’T BE SOBBING IN YOUR LAP RIGHT NOW.

DON’T YOU DARE TRY TO ACT LIKE THIS IS ANYTHING LESS THAN YOUR FUCKING FAULT.

“I never what?” I ask.
“Do as you’re told. You changed your mind; you didn’t tell me where you were. Ana, I was in New York, powerless and livid. If I’d been in Seattle I’d have brought you home.”

FUCK THIS SHIT 2

FUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUU

I CAN’T FUCKING HANDLE THIS. OH MY GOOD LORD BABY JESUS WHAT THE FUCK. HOW IS THIS BOOK POPULAR. HOW DO PEOPLE NOT SEE THIS AS A GIANT SACK OF NIGHTMARES, HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

IF YOU WERE IN SEATTLE YOU WOULD HAVE FORCIBLY REMOVED HER FROM THE COMPANY OF HER FRIEND, ALL BECAUSE SHE DECIDED TO GO TO A BAR?

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS.

ARE YOU BEING ACTUALLY FOR REAL HERE.

I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING SAY ANYMORE.

I FEEL LIKE I’M LOSING MY MIND. HOW IS THIS EVEN A REAL NOVEL THAT PEOPLE READ. BECAUSE THIS SERIES IS LIKE A GODDAMNED TEXTBOOK OF HOW TO RECOGNIZE AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

MAYBE THIS IS JUST ONE BIG SOCIAL EXPERIMENT TO SEE IF PEOPLE CAN SPOT ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS OR NOT.

MAYBE THIS IS JUST A GIANT EXPERIMENT TO SEE HOW MUCH I CAN LOSE MY SHIT.

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.

So then Ana apologizes for not calling? And says that was “selfish” of her?

No. Fuck you. You can go out to the bar if you want, you don’t need his fucking permission. Stop it.

AND THEN SHE SAYS “I WILL TRY AND BE MORE CONSIDERATE OF YOUR…CONTROLLING TENDENCIES.”

NO.

NO NO NO.

YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TO TIPTOE AROUND HIS CONTROLLING TENDENCIES. YOU SHOULD JUST EXIST AND BE HAPPY AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY SO MUCH ABOUT UPSETTING YOUR HUSBAND BECAUSE YOU’RE WORRIED ABOUT HIM PUNISHING YOU.

THAT IS FUCKED UP.

I WANT TO PUT THIS WHOLE CHAPTER ON DISPLAY WITH A GIANT ARROW THAT SAYS “LOOK. LOOK AT HOW FUCKED UP THIS IS. BASK IN THE GLORY OF HOW EXCEEDINGLY FUCKED UP THIS ENTIRE SITUATION IS.”

Ugh. I’m so fucking done.

So then they go back to talking about the Jack Hyde thing. Apparently Hyde is implicated in the sabotage of Christian’s helicopter (the thing that caused it to crash in the last book. I still can’t believe Christian literally didn’t get a scratch on him from that shit).

And apparently Hyde left a van parked in the parking garage when he came in to the apartment, and the van had a mattress, and tranquilizers, and a note addressed to Christian talking about how Jack had kidnapped Ana.

Apparently the connection is with Detroit, because Jack had done some time for minor offenses in Detroit. And I guess Christian was born in Detroit, so that’s fun.

And…

oh.

That’s the end of the chapter.

-End of Chapter Eleven-

I have literally no idea what else can happen in this book. We’ve got like a billion more chapters to go. What else can go down? I don’t know if I want to know.

That was the single most infuriating chapter of my life. I’ve already read these books once, and I remembered vague snippets of this whole scenario, but to reread it in all of it’s glory…yeesh. I’ve never been so disgusted by a novel in my life.

It’s mostly upsetting because I know so many people think so highly of Christian, and it makes me feel physically ill to think of the kinds of situations that those people could get themselves into. If they think this relationship is romantic, they could end up in a very abusive situation, and they might try to convince themselves to stay because they think it’s like being with Christian.

I really hope that doesn’t happen. But the idea that it might, and the idea that this book normalizes and even romanticizes these kinds of emotionally abusive (and sexually abusive…and physically abusive…) relationships is really scary and sad. I understand how you can get sucked into this story, but after a certain point, I don’t understand how more people don’t go “ugh, this is scary and gross, I’m not into this anymore.”

In fact, I hear the exact opposite of that. I hear everyone going “Oh, but the third book is the best!” I mean, I guess it’s the most interesting, because there’s an actual bad guy and actual things seem to be happening, but it’s also the most abusive and gross and upsetting and scary, yet it’s marketed as this great romance.
I have no idea how they’re going to make a movie of this. I hope the movie is terrible and it bombs and no one has the heart to make movies out of the 2nd and 3rd books. But I know that won’t happen. We’ll get 3 (probably 4, actually) movies out of this shit, and I have NO IDEA how they’re going to make it seem romantic and not full of abusive shit.

So…yeah.

I’m going to go drink some wine now (out of a glass, like a normal person, not out of someone’s fucking mouth).

Thanks for reading.