[disclaimer: I don't own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]
So…my internet has been taking a big ol’ poop on my liveblogs these past couple of days. Maybe it just doesn’t want me to post this chapter because of how horrible and murder-inducing it is. Maybe comcast is trying to stop me from spreading this filth, because it’s like The Ring where when you read it, you immediately lose your mind.
Either way, here this chapter finally is. I had it typed up yesterday, but I’m only finally able to post it right now. You should probably go get a glass of wine, or some beer, or an entire bottle of vodka, because trust me, you are going to need it.
RECAP: So Jack Hyde broke into the apartment while Christian was in New York and Ana was out at a bar with Kate (which she wasn’t supposed to be, because Christian didn’t want her to leave the house), and Ana decides to call the police about it, which I guess Christian wouldn’t have done? The police question Ana, and I guess they already have a record on Hyde. Ana goes home, goes to sleep, and wakes up to a very quietly enraged (and partially drunk) Christian staring at her. And of course Christian is mad at his wife for GOING OUTSIDE, when he should be mad at the guy who BROKE INTO HIS FUCKING APARTMENT, but Christian doesn’t have a logical bone in his body, so we shouldn’t be surprised. Christian says he wants to “beat the shit out of” Ana, which is SO CHARMING AND ROMANTIC LOLOLOL I’M SO IN LOVE (ugh I’m going to vomit).
Ana goes back to sleep, wakes up, and woop-di-doo Christian is still pissed off. At her. For going out with a friend. An action that 100% saved her from bodily harm at the hands of Jack Hyde. Ana leaves for work (and Christian refuses to kiss her goodbye). At work, Ana gets an email from Christian saying that a detective is going to come meet with her. She then starts wondering if Christian left New York early because of the Jack Hyde thing, or because Ana left the house without his permission. Ana emails Christian EXTREMELY pissed off at him (good for her, although she should just leave his ass), but Christian is just as pissy back at her, even though he has zero right to be pissed at her. Ana gets home from work to find Christian is wearing his sexy playroom clothes, and he’s talking in a sexy voice, and I swear to god I’m going to vomit on this entire chapter.
I have the strange feeling that this chapter is going to make me want to literally vomit myself to death. I guess we’ll see!
“I like your jeans,” I murmur. He grins a disarming wolfish grin that doesn’t reach his eyes. Shit–he’s still mad. He’s wearing these to distract me.
WOW. WHAT A SURPRISE. CHRISTIAN GREY IS USING SEX TO AVOID HAVING AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION ABOUT HIS FEELINGS. AND HE’LL PROBABLY ALSO PUNISH ANA (BY PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSING HER) FOR NO REAL REASON OTHER THAN TO SATISFY HIS OWN SICK, SADISTIC URGES.
[Just to warn you, dear readers, there's going to be a shit-ton of caps lock in this chapter. I apologize ahead of time. I just don't think I'll be able to communicate without screaming during this entire chapter.]
“I understand you have issues, Mrs. Grey,” he says silkily, and he pulls something from the back pocket of his jeans. I can’t tear my gaze from his, but hear him unfold a piece of paper. He holds it up, and glancing briefly in its direction, I recognize my email.
You know what happens in a healthy relationship? People openly discuss their feelings and problems, and work towards solving them.
THEY DON’T USE SEX AS A WEAPON/DISTRACTION/PUNISHMENT.
So then Ana replies in the affirmative, to which Christian says “So do I.” Ana says that she’s familiar with Christian’s issues.
Are we going to fight? I take a precautionary step back. I must physically distance myself from him–from his smell, his look, his distracting body in those hot jeans.
“I must also physically distance myself from my husband because he is FUCKING TERRIFYING and I live in constant fear that he will PHYSICALLY HARM ME, AS HE HAS DONE IN THE PAST, AND AS HE HAS RECENTLY EXPRESSED THE DESIRE TO DO.”
Ana asks why Christian flew back from New York.
“Because I went out with Kate?”
“Because you went back on your word, and you defied me, putting yourself at unnecessary risk.”
SHE WENT OUT WITH HER GODDAMNED FRIEND, WHO SHE HADN’T SEEN IN A LONG-ASS TIME, BECAUSE SHE’S ALWAYS WITH YOU. CALM THE FUCK DOWN YOU GODDAMNED PSYCHOPATH.
SHE WENT OUT, AND IT POTENTIALLY SAVED HER FROM BEING KIDNAPPED AND POSSIBLY RAPED/INJURED/MURDERED.
SHE TOOK PRECAUTIONS, YOU TWAT-BOTTLE. SHE BROUGHT SECURITY WITH HER. AND SHE MADE A DECISION THAT ACTUALLY ENDED UP KEEPING HER SAFER THAN THE DECISION YOU MADE FOR HER.
SHE’S A GODDAMNED ADULT AND CAN GO OUT FOR DRINKS WHEN SHE GODDAMNED WANTS TO.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY, PLEASE GO DIE IN A FIRE YOU ABUSIVE SACK OF POND SCUM.
“Christian, I changed my mind,” I explain slowly, patiently as if he’s a child. “I’m a woman. We’re renowned for it. That’s what we do.”
HOLY INTERNALIZED MISOGYNY, BATMAN!
Ana, girlfriend, come on. You’re really going to be sexist against your own kind here, as a way to try and placate your horrible husband? I don’t know about you, but saying “well all women change their minds all the time” doesn’t fix the problem. It just creates more problems, because it makes it sound like women are wishy-washy idiots who can’t make a decision. You’re making it sound like your womanhood is to blame for Christian’s anger, which isn’t the case at all. The only thing to blame for Christian’s anger is Christian’s abusive, controlling tendencies, and his own need to force people to follow bullshit rules.
You shouldn’t be talking to him like he’s a child. you should be WALKING OUT THE GODDAMNED DOOR, BECAUSE HE’S A GODDAMNED NIGHTMARE OF A HUMAN BEING.
Ana momentarily flashes back to their argument over their wedding vows, and how Ana refused to vow that she would obey Christian in all things.
And then Christian seems to…not understand the concept of changing your mind? As if it’s some strange phenomenon that he’s never encountered before?
But then he immediately finds a new reason to be angry.
“And you didn’t think to call me?” He glares at me, incredulous, before continuing. “What’s more, you left the security detail short here and put Ryan at risk.”
Okay, I mean I guess that second point is a problem. And maybe Ana should have called, but I still don’t see that as being this horrible offense. When my boyfriend is out of town, I don’t constantly call him to ask if I can leave my house. You know why I don’t do that? Because my boyfriend trusts me, and he also knows that I am A GODDAMNED ADULT WHO CAN MAKE MY OWN GODDAMNED DECISIONS.
Ana says she should have called, but she says that she knew Christian would have said no to her going out with Kate, and she really wanted to see her friend. She also says that Ryan shouldn’t have let Jack in in the first place, which is true, because if Ryan was short-handed, why did he let a dangerous man into the apartment? That’s dumb.
And then…Christian…hugs Ana?
I think I have whiplash from how fast his emotions change, holy shit.
“I’ve died a thousand deaths today thinking about what might have happened.”
PSA: Everyone needs to stop using that phrase. It’s a stupid phrase. It’s not interesting or cool or insightful. It sounds stupid and you should feel bad. You’ve died a thousand deaths? Good for you. There’s a term for orgasms called “le petit mort,” which means “the little death,” and somewhere near me, statistically speaking, there is someone right now who is having an orgasm, and I care 1000% more about their “little death” than I do about your 1000 deaths, Christian.
What I’m trying to say is that unless you’re talking about orgasms, I do not give a singular shit about how many imaginary deaths you’ve died today. I ESPECIALLY do not give any shits about Christian dying an imaginary death, because all I care about is him dying a very real death, preferably involving a volcano and/or laser sharks.
Christian talks about how mad he is, and how he doesn’t know how to deal with this anger, and how the last time he remembers being this angry was when they found Leila in Ana’s apartment? Idk what that tells us about his character. I don’t know what E.L. James is trying to say by bringing up that event again, but okay?
“I don’t know how to deal with this anger. I don’t think I want to hurt you,” he says, his eyes wide and wary. “This morning, I wanted to punish you, badly and–” He stops, lost for words I think, or too afraid to say them.
Things that will never be uttered by a man I’m in love with/married to: “I don’t think I want to hurt you.”
Yeesh. If that isn’t fucking scary, I don’t know what is.
“I mean, I don’t think I want to murder you with this axe…”
I mean, if you’re not fucking sure about this, then step the fuck away, man. You have no business getting married if you aren’t 100% sure that you don’t want to harm your significant other. That’s fucked up.
“Christian, I know you’d never hurt me. Not physically, anyway.”
[Never has that gif been more appropriate.]
HOW DO YOU “KNOW” THAT HE’D NEVER HURT YOU, WHEN HE HAS SAID, OUT LOUD, THAT HE WANTS TO BEAT YOU? WHEN HE MADE A WHOLE CONTRACT OUTLINING THE DIFFERENT WAYS HE WANTED TO HURT YOU, AND THE DIFFERENT UTENSILS HE WANTED TO USE?
YOU CAN LIE TO YOURSELF ALL YOU WANT, ANA, BUT CHRISTIAN HAS GIVEN YOU ZERO EVIDENCE THAT HE WON’T HURT YOU.
Also, it’s pretty goddamned fucked up that she said “not physically, anyway.” It’s almost like she is 100% aware of how emotionally abusive and shitty he is to her.
“I knew what you said was an empty, idle threat. I know you’re not going to beat the shit out of me.”
“I wanted to.”
“No you didn’t. You just thought you did.”
“I don’t know if that’s true,” he murmurs.
Christian, you need to go back to your goddamned psychiatrist, because you are fucked up.
“I THOUGHT I wanted to murder you with this axe, but once I did, I realized it wasn’t actually what I wanted all along, and all I really wanted was love!”
The “you just thought you did” excuse DOESN’T MAKE IT BETTER. IN FACT IT’S NOT EVEN A GODDAMNED EXCUSE. THINKING YOU WANT TO BEAT SOMEONE ISN’T VERY FAR REMOVED FROM ACTUALLY BEATING SOMEONE. STOP TRYING TO MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER, ANA. HE DOESN’T DESERVE TO FEEL BETTER.
Ana reminds him of how he felt when he saw the welts/bruises on her wrists and ankles from when he handcuffed her during their honeymoon, because I guess he felt bad so that proves he’s a good guy?
LOL. Yeah, right. He still was very irresponsible in his use of handcuffs, didn’t fully explain the risks to you, and then got all sulky about it and forced you to make him feel better about it, when you should have just let him feel shitty about it.
Christian’s not mad anymore??
What the actual fuck. Everything is suddenly just fine, and we’re just supposed to forget about that whole fucked up argument like it was nothing? Like that was a normal part of their relationship, and it doesn’t signify a HUGE FUCKING PROBLEM??
How do people think this is realistic, or romantic? How do people read this book and not get really, really mad? I don’t get it.
Christian wants to go to bed, after they’ve been standing and hugging for like 20 minutes, but Ana says they need to talk.
Finally! Maybe we’ll see them attempt to HONESTLY COMMUNICATE with each other like NORMAL FUCKING SPOUSES.
Apparently Ana just wants more information about the Jack Hyde situation. Because apparently she’s already forgiven him for threatening to beat the shit out of her, and for flying home from NY with the sole purpose of punishing her for going out with one of her friends.
Ana asks why Christian’s family had extra security, and Christian says there was information on Hyde’s computer about everyone, particularly his adoptive dad, Carrick. There was also random news clippings about Christian’s time at Harvard, and about his adoptive siblings, Elliot and Mia.
Ana attempts to continue the conversation, but Christian, as usual, deflects her questions and instead starts asking if she’s eaten anything all day, which she hasn’t, of course, because she has some weird eating disorder where she forgets to eat all day, and can only eat when Christian orders her to.
(Or, E.L. James has a writing disorder where she uses Ana’s constant “forgetting to eat” thing as a plot device whenever James doesn’t know what to do next in the story. Which is literally every chapter.)
So they go to get food from the kitchen. Apparently Christian has given Taylor (the head of security) and Mrs. Jones (the housekeeper) the night off.
Christian is going to feed Ana. Like, sexy feeding.
UGH WHY. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS. YOU STILL HAVE NEVER ACTUALLY COMMUNICATED OR DISCUSSED YOUR PROBLEMS, YOU DISFUNCTIONAL FUCKS. YOU CAN’T USE SEX TO COVER UP EVERY PROBLEM YOU HAVE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. SEX IS NOT A BAND-AID.
I’m so mad, oh my god. What the fuck is wrong with people that they think this is the ideal relationship. This relationship is so fucked up I can’t even begin to comprehend it.