Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 11 [Part 2]

[disclaimer: I don't own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

So Christian blindfolds Ana in the kitchen. And then…drinks some wine…and spits it…into Ana’s mouth?

WHY.

JUST DRINK WINE LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE.

Ugh and then Christian puts something in the microwave, but then it’s really hot when he takes it out, and he burns himself?

“I just burned myself. Here.” He eases his index finger into my mouth. “Maybe you could suck it better.”
“Oh.”

HOW DO YOU SAY “OH” WHEN HIS FINGER IS IN YOUR MOUTH.

Also, like, I get that sucking on fingers is sexy, but I literally can’t stomach any sexual interaction between these two characters, because I live in a constant state of being physically repulsed by Christian Grey.

So he keeps feeding her different foods, and it’s not terribly interesting, to tell the truth.

Aaaaand now they’re headed for the playroom. Goodie.

He ties her to some kind of cross-thing, which I imagine looks like the cross-thing that a certain someone gets tied to in Game of Thrones…(*subtle plug to read the books*)

Christian does some sexy stuff, like playing with Ana’s nipples and everything, teasing her.

“Christian,” I plead.
“I know,” he murmurs his voice hoarse. “This is what you make me feel.”

Excuse me, what? I don’t understand. She makes you feel like nipples?

Christian now starts torturing Ana with a vibrator, which he uses to get her really close to having an orgasm and then he immediately stops. He does this several times, and each time it drives Ana insane.

“Frustrating, yes?” he murmurs against my throat. “Just like you. Promising one thing and then..” his voice trails off.

dramatic staring

WOAH WOAH WOAH.

WHEN DID SHE PROMISE ANYTHING.

WHAT THE FUCK.

HE’S PUNISHING HER. HE’S STILL MAD AT HER. MAD FOR SOMETHING THAT’S FUCKING RIDICULOUS. AND HE’S USING SEX TO PUNISH HIS WIFE, BECAUSE HE’S A GODDAMNED NIGHTMARE.

“You are the most frustrating woman I have ever met.”

SO YOU’RE GOING TO FUCKING TORTURE HER? YOU FUCKING MANIAC.

THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP OF ANY KIND.

“But Caitlin, that’s how BDSM works…”

NO.

SORRY.

DO NOT PASS GO. DO NOT COLLECT $200.

BDSM IS SAFE, SANE, AND CONSENSUAL. IT OPERATES UNDER SPECIFIC, MUTUALLY AGREED UPON RULES, WITH THE IDEA BEING THAT THE SUBMISSIVE HAS ALL THE POWER, AND THE SUBMISSIVE AGREES TO THESE RULES AND AGREES TO BE CONTROLLED.

BDSM SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE PRACTICED WHEN YOU ARE ANGRY AND OUT OF CONTROL OF YOURSELF. IT SHOULD NOT BE USED AS A PUNISHMENT FOR BREAKING A RULE THAT HAS NOT BEEN AGREED UPON.

THIS IS FUCKED UP.

I DON’T CARE THAT HE’S NOT TECHNICALLY HURTING HER.

HE’S STILL BEING AN EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATIVE FUCK, AND HE’S BEING A REALLY DANGEROUS AND SCARY DOM, AND HE SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO BE IN ANY SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE HE’S A GODDAMNED DISASTER OF A HUMAN BEING.

Can I play this game? No. No. No.–I can’t do this. I know he’s not going to stop. He’s going to continue to torture me. His hand travels down my body once more. No… And the dam bursts—all the apprehension, the anxiety, and the fear from the last couple of days overwhelming me anew as tears spring to my eyes. I turn away from him. This is not love. It’s revenge.

ru paul this

TAH. FUCKING. DAH.

THAT’S IT RIGHT THERE.

ANASTASIA FUCKING STEELE SAID IT HERSELF.

THIS ISN’T LOVE. THIS ISN’T ROMANTIC.

THIS IS GODDAMNED FUCKED UP, AND I WANT EVERYONE TO SEE HOW FUCKED UP IT IS.

THIS ISN’T THE IDEAL RELATIONSHIP. CHRISTIAN ISN’T THE IDEAL MAN.

HE IS A HORRIFYING MONSTER WHO SHOULD NEVER BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE, BECAUSE HE IS DANGEROUS, AND HAS SOME OF THE SCARIEST MOOD SWINGS I’VE EVER SEEN, AND YOU NEVER KNOW IF HE’S GOING TO HURT YOU, OR ABUSE YOU EMOTIONALLY, AND THAT’S A GODDAMNED NIGHTMARE.

THIS RELATIONSHIP IS SAD. AND SCARY. AND DISTURBING ON A LOT OF LEVELS.

“Red,” I whimper. “Red. Red.” The tears course down my face.

spit take

(for those of you who don’t remember (WHICH I DON’T BLAME YOU BECAUSE CHRISTIAN EXPLAINED SAFE-WORDS TO ANA A GRAND TOTAL OF LIKE ONE AND A HALF TIMES), the word “red” is their safe-word)

He stills. “No!” He gasps, stunned. “Jesus Christ, no.”

Christian quickly unties Ana from the thing, and carries her over to the bed, where she lays in his lap, sobbing.

Gee, how romantic. I’m so in love, aren’t you guys? I can totally understand how so many people think this relationship is the best.

sarcasm sherlock

Christian wraps Ana in the sheet and holds her, and says “I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” as if that makes it better. You dick.

AND THEN

So much has happened over the last few days—fires in computer rooms, car chases, careers planned out for me, slutty architects, armed lunatics in the apartment, arguments, his anger—and Christian has been away. I hate Christian going away.

NO.

FUCK THAT.

YOU ARE CRYING AND UPSET BECAUSE OF WHAT CHRISTIAN, AND CHRISTIAN ALONE, HAS PUT YOU THROUGH.
THAT AND MAYBE GETTING YOUR HOUSE BROKEN INTO.

STOP BLAMING THIS FEELING ON EVERYTHING BUT THE ACTUAL SOURCE.

ALSO, STOP ACTING LIKE YOU’RE UPSET BECAUSE CHRISTIAN WENT AWAY.

THAT’S FUCKED UP. YOU’RE A GROWN-ASS WOMAN. YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO HANDLE YOUR GODDAMNED HUSBAND GOING AWAY FOR 2 FUCKING DAYS.

I mean, I guess it’s been stressful, with all the Jack Hyde stuff. I get that. But even without that, Ana would STILL be this upset about Christian going away, and that is FUCKED UP and is NOT OKAY.

Uggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

FURIOUS. I AM FURIOUS RIGHT NOW.

Ana finally stops crying, and asks Christian why he did that.

“I got lost in the moment,” he says unconvincingly.

WHAT, ARE YOU GOING TO MURDER HER NEXT TIME YOU’RE CHOPPING ONIONS, BECAUSE YOU GOT “LOST IN THE MOMENT” AND COULDN’T HELP BUT STAB HER WITH A KNIFE?

IF YOU CAN’T FUCKING CONTROL YOURSELF, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS MARRIAGE.

“Ana, orgasm denial is a standard tool in—You never–” He stops.

let me stop you right there
DON’T YOU DARE TRY TO MAKE THIS SEEM LIKE ANA IS OVERREACTING.

YOU NEVER FUCKING EXPLAINED BDSM. YOU NEVER TOLD HER ABOUT ORGASM DENIAL. SHE’S ALLOWED TO TELL YOU TO STOP, AND YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO SAY JACK SHIT ABOUT IT, BECAUSE SHE’S THE SUB AND SHE’S THE ONE WHO GETS TO SAY WHAT HAPPENS AND WHAT DOESN’T. AND MAYBE IF YOU HAD EXPLAINED WHAT YOU WERE DOING, OR, AND I KNOW THIS IS A STRETCH, MAYBE IF YOU HADN’T TRIED TO PRACTICE BDSM WHEN YOU WERE CLEARLY IN AN UNSAFE, UN-SANE MOOD, MAYBE SHE WOULDN’T HAVE FELT THE NEED TO SAFE-WORD.

MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T USE SEX AS A WEAPON, YOU WOULDN’T BE IN THIS MESS.

MAYBE IF YOU WEREN’T SUCH A GODDAMNED BUCKET OF FECAL MATTER, YOUR WIFE WOULDN’T BE SOBBING IN YOUR LAP RIGHT NOW.

DON’T YOU DARE TRY TO ACT LIKE THIS IS ANYTHING LESS THAN YOUR FUCKING FAULT.

“I never what?” I ask.
“Do as you’re told. You changed your mind; you didn’t tell me where you were. Ana, I was in New York, powerless and livid. If I’d been in Seattle I’d have brought you home.”

FUCK THIS SHIT 2

FUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUU

I CAN’T FUCKING HANDLE THIS. OH MY GOOD LORD BABY JESUS WHAT THE FUCK. HOW IS THIS BOOK POPULAR. HOW DO PEOPLE NOT SEE THIS AS A GIANT SACK OF NIGHTMARES, HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

IF YOU WERE IN SEATTLE YOU WOULD HAVE FORCIBLY REMOVED HER FROM THE COMPANY OF HER FRIEND, ALL BECAUSE SHE DECIDED TO GO TO A BAR?

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS.

ARE YOU BEING ACTUALLY FOR REAL HERE.

I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING SAY ANYMORE.

I FEEL LIKE I’M LOSING MY MIND. HOW IS THIS EVEN A REAL NOVEL THAT PEOPLE READ. BECAUSE THIS SERIES IS LIKE A GODDAMNED TEXTBOOK OF HOW TO RECOGNIZE AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

MAYBE THIS IS JUST ONE BIG SOCIAL EXPERIMENT TO SEE IF PEOPLE CAN SPOT ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS OR NOT.

MAYBE THIS IS JUST A GIANT EXPERIMENT TO SEE HOW MUCH I CAN LOSE MY SHIT.

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.

So then Ana apologizes for not calling? And says that was “selfish” of her?

No. Fuck you. You can go out to the bar if you want, you don’t need his fucking permission. Stop it.

AND THEN SHE SAYS “I WILL TRY AND BE MORE CONSIDERATE OF YOUR…CONTROLLING TENDENCIES.”

NO.

NO NO NO.

YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TO TIPTOE AROUND HIS CONTROLLING TENDENCIES. YOU SHOULD JUST EXIST AND BE HAPPY AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY SO MUCH ABOUT UPSETTING YOUR HUSBAND BECAUSE YOU’RE WORRIED ABOUT HIM PUNISHING YOU.

THAT IS FUCKED UP.

I WANT TO PUT THIS WHOLE CHAPTER ON DISPLAY WITH A GIANT ARROW THAT SAYS “LOOK. LOOK AT HOW FUCKED UP THIS IS. BASK IN THE GLORY OF HOW EXCEEDINGLY FUCKED UP THIS ENTIRE SITUATION IS.”

Ugh. I’m so fucking done.

So then they go back to talking about the Jack Hyde thing. Apparently Hyde is implicated in the sabotage of Christian’s helicopter (the thing that caused it to crash in the last book. I still can’t believe Christian literally didn’t get a scratch on him from that shit).

And apparently Hyde left a van parked in the parking garage when he came in to the apartment, and the van had a mattress, and tranquilizers, and a note addressed to Christian talking about how Jack had kidnapped Ana.

Apparently the connection is with Detroit, because Jack had done some time for minor offenses in Detroit. And I guess Christian was born in Detroit, so that’s fun.

And…

oh.

That’s the end of the chapter.

-End of Chapter Eleven-

I have literally no idea what else can happen in this book. We’ve got like a billion more chapters to go. What else can go down? I don’t know if I want to know.

That was the single most infuriating chapter of my life. I’ve already read these books once, and I remembered vague snippets of this whole scenario, but to reread it in all of it’s glory…yeesh. I’ve never been so disgusted by a novel in my life.

It’s mostly upsetting because I know so many people think so highly of Christian, and it makes me feel physically ill to think of the kinds of situations that those people could get themselves into. If they think this relationship is romantic, they could end up in a very abusive situation, and they might try to convince themselves to stay because they think it’s like being with Christian.

I really hope that doesn’t happen. But the idea that it might, and the idea that this book normalizes and even romanticizes these kinds of emotionally abusive (and sexually abusive…and physically abusive…) relationships is really scary and sad. I understand how you can get sucked into this story, but after a certain point, I don’t understand how more people don’t go “ugh, this is scary and gross, I’m not into this anymore.”

In fact, I hear the exact opposite of that. I hear everyone going “Oh, but the third book is the best!” I mean, I guess it’s the most interesting, because there’s an actual bad guy and actual things seem to be happening, but it’s also the most abusive and gross and upsetting and scary, yet it’s marketed as this great romance.
I have no idea how they’re going to make a movie of this. I hope the movie is terrible and it bombs and no one has the heart to make movies out of the 2nd and 3rd books. But I know that won’t happen. We’ll get 3 (probably 4, actually) movies out of this shit, and I have NO IDEA how they’re going to make it seem romantic and not full of abusive shit.

So…yeah.

I’m going to go drink some wine now (out of a glass, like a normal person, not out of someone’s fucking mouth).

Thanks for reading.

Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 11 [Part 1]

[disclaimer: I don't own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

So…my internet has been taking a big ol’ poop on my liveblogs these past couple of days. Maybe it just doesn’t want me to post this chapter because of how horrible and murder-inducing it is. Maybe comcast is trying to stop me from spreading this filth, because it’s like The Ring where when you read it, you immediately lose your mind.

Either way, here this chapter finally is. I had it typed up yesterday, but I’m only finally able to post it right now. You should probably go get a glass of wine, or some beer, or an entire bottle of vodka, because trust me, you are going to need it.

RECAP: So Jack Hyde broke into the apartment while Christian was in New York and Ana was out at a bar with Kate (which she wasn’t supposed to be, because Christian didn’t want her to leave the house), and Ana decides to call the police about it, which I guess Christian wouldn’t have done? The police question Ana, and I guess they already have a record on Hyde. Ana goes home, goes to sleep, and wakes up to a very quietly enraged (and partially drunk) Christian staring at her. And of course Christian is mad at his wife for GOING OUTSIDE, when he should be mad at the guy who BROKE INTO HIS FUCKING APARTMENT, but Christian doesn’t have a logical bone in his body, so we shouldn’t be surprised. Christian says he wants to “beat the shit out of” Ana, which is SO CHARMING AND ROMANTIC LOLOLOL I’M SO IN LOVE (ugh I’m going to vomit).

Ana goes back to sleep, wakes up, and woop-di-doo Christian is still pissed off. At her. For going out with a friend. An action that 100% saved her from bodily harm at the hands of Jack Hyde. Ana leaves for work (and Christian refuses to kiss her goodbye). At work, Ana gets an email from Christian saying that a detective is going to come meet with her. She then starts wondering if Christian left New York early because of the Jack Hyde thing, or because Ana left the house without his permission. Ana emails Christian EXTREMELY pissed off at him (good for her, although she should just leave his ass), but Christian is just as pissy back at her, even though he has zero right to be pissed at her. Ana gets home from work to find Christian is wearing his sexy playroom clothes, and he’s talking in a sexy voice, and I swear to god I’m going to vomit on this entire chapter.

I have the strange feeling that this chapter is going to make me want to literally vomit myself to death. I guess we’ll see!

-Chapter Eleven-

“I like your jeans,” I murmur. He grins a disarming wolfish grin that doesn’t reach his eyes. Shit–he’s still mad. He’s wearing these to distract me.

WOW. WHAT A SURPRISE. CHRISTIAN GREY IS USING SEX TO AVOID HAVING AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION ABOUT HIS FEELINGS. AND HE’LL PROBABLY ALSO PUNISH ANA (BY PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSING HER) FOR NO REAL REASON OTHER THAN TO SATISFY HIS OWN SICK, SADISTIC URGES.
[Just to warn you, dear readers, there's going to be a shit-ton of caps lock in this chapter. I apologize ahead of time. I just don't think I'll be able to communicate without screaming during this entire chapter.]

“I understand you have issues, Mrs. Grey,” he says silkily, and he pulls something from the back pocket of his jeans. I can’t tear my gaze from his, but hear him unfold a piece of paper. He holds it up, and glancing briefly in its direction, I recognize my email.

You know what happens in a healthy relationship? People openly discuss their feelings and problems, and work towards solving them.

THEY DON’T USE SEX AS A WEAPON/DISTRACTION/PUNISHMENT.

So then Ana replies in the affirmative, to which Christian says “So do I.” Ana says that she’s familiar with Christian’s issues.

Are we going to fight? I take a precautionary step back. I must physically distance myself from him–from his smell, his look, his distracting body in those hot jeans.

“I must also physically distance myself from my husband because he is FUCKING TERRIFYING and I live in constant fear that he will PHYSICALLY HARM ME, AS HE HAS DONE IN THE PAST, AND AS HE HAS RECENTLY EXPRESSED THE DESIRE TO DO.”

Ana asks why Christian flew back from New York.

“Because I went out with Kate?”
“Because you went back on your word, and you defied me, putting yourself at unnecessary risk.”

SHE WENT OUT WITH HER GODDAMNED FRIEND, WHO SHE HADN’T SEEN IN A LONG-ASS TIME, BECAUSE SHE’S ALWAYS WITH YOU. CALM THE FUCK DOWN YOU GODDAMNED PSYCHOPATH.

ALSO

SHE WENT OUT, AND IT POTENTIALLY SAVED HER FROM BEING KIDNAPPED AND POSSIBLY RAPED/INJURED/MURDERED.
SHE TOOK PRECAUTIONS, YOU TWAT-BOTTLE. SHE BROUGHT SECURITY WITH HER. AND SHE MADE A DECISION THAT ACTUALLY ENDED UP KEEPING HER SAFER THAN THE DECISION YOU MADE FOR HER.

SHE’S A GODDAMNED ADULT AND CAN GO OUT FOR DRINKS WHEN SHE GODDAMNED WANTS TO.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY, PLEASE GO DIE IN A FIRE YOU ABUSIVE SACK OF POND SCUM.

“Christian, I changed my mind,” I explain slowly, patiently as if he’s a child. “I’m a woman. We’re renowned for it. That’s what we do.”

are you fucking kidding me

HOLY INTERNALIZED MISOGYNY, BATMAN!

Ana, girlfriend, come on. You’re really going to be sexist against your own kind here, as a way to try and placate your horrible husband? I don’t know about you, but saying “well all women change their minds all the time” doesn’t fix the problem. It just creates more problems, because it makes it sound like women are wishy-washy idiots who can’t make a decision. You’re making it sound like your womanhood is to blame for Christian’s anger, which isn’t the case at all. The only thing to blame for Christian’s anger is Christian’s abusive, controlling tendencies, and his own need to force people to follow bullshit rules.

You shouldn’t be talking to him like he’s a child. you should be WALKING OUT THE GODDAMNED DOOR, BECAUSE HE’S A GODDAMNED NIGHTMARE OF A HUMAN BEING.

Ana momentarily flashes back to their argument over their wedding vows, and how Ana refused to vow that she would obey Christian in all things.

And then Christian seems to…not understand the concept of changing your mind? As if it’s some strange phenomenon that he’s never encountered before?

But then he immediately finds a new reason to be angry.

“And you didn’t think to call me?” He glares at me, incredulous, before continuing. “What’s more, you left the security detail short here and put Ryan at risk.”

Okay, I mean I guess that second point is a problem. And maybe Ana should have called, but I still don’t see that as being this horrible offense. When my boyfriend is out of town, I don’t constantly call him to ask if I can leave my house. You know why I don’t do that? Because my boyfriend trusts me, and he also knows that I am A GODDAMNED ADULT WHO CAN MAKE MY OWN GODDAMNED DECISIONS.

Ana says she should have called, but she says that she knew Christian would have said no to her going out with Kate, and she really wanted to see her friend. She also says that Ryan shouldn’t have let Jack in in the first place, which is true, because if Ryan was short-handed, why did he let a dangerous man into the apartment? That’s dumb.

And then…Christian…hugs Ana?

I think I have whiplash from how fast his emotions change, holy shit.

“I’ve died a thousand deaths today thinking about what might have happened.”

grumpy cat

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

PSA: Everyone needs to stop using that phrase. It’s a stupid phrase. It’s not interesting or cool or insightful. It sounds stupid and you should feel bad. You’ve died a thousand deaths? Good for you. There’s a term for orgasms called “le petit mort,” which means “the little death,” and somewhere near me, statistically speaking, there is someone right now who is having an orgasm, and I care 1000% more about their “little death” than I do about your 1000 deaths, Christian.

What I’m trying to say is that unless you’re talking about orgasms, I do not give a singular shit about how many imaginary deaths you’ve died today. I ESPECIALLY do not give any shits about Christian dying an imaginary death, because all I care about is him dying a very real death, preferably involving a volcano and/or laser sharks.

Anyway.

Christian talks about how mad he is, and how he doesn’t know how to deal with this anger, and how the last time he remembers being this angry was when they found Leila in Ana’s apartment? Idk what that tells us about his character. I don’t know what E.L. James is trying to say by bringing up that event again, but okay?

“I don’t know how to deal with this anger. I don’t think I want to hurt you,” he says, his eyes wide and wary. “This morning, I wanted to punish you, badly and–” He stops, lost for words I think, or too afraid to say them.

Things that will never be uttered by a man I’m in love with/married to: “I don’t think I want to hurt you.”

Yeesh. If that isn’t fucking scary, I don’t know what is.

“I mean, I don’t think I want to murder you with this axe…”

I mean, if you’re not fucking sure about this, then step the fuck away, man. You have no business getting married if you aren’t 100% sure that you don’t want to harm your significant other. That’s fucked up.

“Christian, I know you’d never hurt me. Not physically, anyway.”

you just know he's gonna kill you

[Never has that gif been more appropriate.]

HOW DO YOU “KNOW” THAT HE’D NEVER HURT YOU, WHEN HE HAS SAID, OUT LOUD, THAT HE WANTS TO BEAT YOU? WHEN HE MADE A WHOLE CONTRACT OUTLINING THE DIFFERENT WAYS HE WANTED TO HURT YOU, AND THE DIFFERENT UTENSILS HE WANTED TO USE?

YOU CAN LIE TO YOURSELF ALL YOU WANT, ANA, BUT CHRISTIAN HAS GIVEN YOU ZERO EVIDENCE THAT HE WON’T HURT YOU.

Also, it’s pretty goddamned fucked up that she said “not physically, anyway.” It’s almost like she is 100% aware of how emotionally abusive and shitty he is to her.

“I knew what you said was an empty, idle threat. I know you’re not going to beat the shit out of me.”
“I wanted to.”
“No you didn’t. You just thought you did.”
“I don’t know if that’s true,” he murmurs.

Christian, you need to go back to your goddamned psychiatrist, because you are fucked up.

“I THOUGHT I wanted to murder you with this axe, but once I did, I realized it wasn’t actually what I wanted all along, and all I really wanted was love!”

The “you just thought you did” excuse DOESN’T MAKE IT BETTER. IN FACT IT’S NOT EVEN A GODDAMNED EXCUSE. THINKING YOU WANT TO BEAT SOMEONE ISN’T VERY FAR REMOVED FROM ACTUALLY BEATING SOMEONE. STOP TRYING TO MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER, ANA. HE DOESN’T DESERVE TO FEEL BETTER.

Ana reminds him of how he felt when he saw the welts/bruises on her wrists and ankles from when he handcuffed her during their honeymoon, because I guess he felt bad so that proves he’s a good guy?

LOL. Yeah, right. He still was very irresponsible in his use of handcuffs, didn’t fully explain the risks to you, and then got all sulky about it and forced you to make him feel better about it, when you should have just let him feel shitty about it.

And…

then…

Christian’s not mad anymore??

What the actual fuck. Everything is suddenly just fine, and we’re just supposed to forget about that whole fucked up argument like it was nothing? Like that was a normal part of their relationship, and it doesn’t signify a HUGE FUCKING PROBLEM??

How do people think this is realistic, or romantic? How do people read this book and not get really, really mad? I don’t get it.

Christian wants to go to bed, after they’ve been standing and hugging for like 20 minutes, but Ana says they need to talk.

Finally! Maybe we’ll see them attempt to HONESTLY COMMUNICATE with each other like NORMAL FUCKING SPOUSES.

Or…maybe not.

Apparently Ana just wants more information about the Jack Hyde situation. Because apparently she’s already forgiven him for threatening to beat the shit out of her, and for flying home from NY with the sole purpose of punishing her for going out with one of her friends.

Ana asks why Christian’s family had extra security, and Christian says there was information on Hyde’s computer about everyone, particularly his adoptive dad, Carrick. There was also random news clippings about Christian’s time at Harvard, and about his adoptive siblings, Elliot and Mia.

Ana attempts to continue the conversation, but Christian, as usual, deflects her questions and instead starts asking if she’s eaten anything all day, which she hasn’t, of course, because she has some weird eating disorder where she forgets to eat all day, and can only eat when Christian orders her to.

(Or, E.L. James has a writing disorder where she uses Ana’s constant “forgetting to eat” thing as a plot device whenever James doesn’t know what to do next in the story. Which is literally every chapter.)

So they go to get food from the kitchen. Apparently Christian has given Taylor (the head of security) and Mrs. Jones (the housekeeper) the night off.

Oh…

oh no…

Christian is going to feed Ana. Like, sexy feeding.

UGH WHY. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS. YOU STILL HAVE NEVER ACTUALLY COMMUNICATED OR DISCUSSED YOUR PROBLEMS, YOU DISFUNCTIONAL FUCKS. YOU CAN’T USE SEX TO COVER UP EVERY PROBLEM YOU HAVE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. SEX IS NOT A BAND-AID.

FUCK. YOU.

I’m so mad, oh my god. What the fuck is wrong with people that they think this is the ideal relationship. This relationship is so fucked up I can’t even begin to comprehend it.

Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 10 [Part 2]

[disclaimer: I don't own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

I’m still pretty enraged by how the last post ended. I was going to try and fit this whole chapter into a single post, but after that bullshit…I had to take a break. So I drank some beer and watched some baseball and tried not to think about how the man that thousands of women (and men, I’m sure) glorify is just a disgusting, horrible, manipulative, abusive bastard, and how that character is actively romanticizing abuse, and how romanticizing abuse can potentially put a lot of people in some very dangerous positions.

Ugh. This book is literally the most infuriating thing I’ve ever read or experienced.

Anyway.

Christian tells Ana to go back to sleep, because he’s got “things to do” and he’s still mad at her, and I guess this is supposed to be like the start of them making up or something? But really it just seems like Christian is still being a giant ball of shit, because he literally can’t avoid the true shittiness of his nature.

Ana goes back to sleep, and wakes up to Christian still being distant and mad at her. Christian goes to take a shower, and Ana follows him in there, hoping to get him to be less mad.

She tries to start some sexy shower times, but Christian says no, which makes Ana literally freak out, because he’s never turned her down before.

FUN FACT: You shouldn’t try to use sex to fix your relationship. If you’re having a fight, you should TALK ABOUT IT, you shouldn’t try to fuck until the problem goes away.

But then you can’t blame Ana for thinking that way, because that’s literally how her and Christian have always solved problems. and Ana’s never known anything other than Christian, so you can’t really expect her to know how to actually handle this situation.

Ana tries to get Christian to talk about it, and she says he’s overreacting, which makes Christian lose it a little bit.

“Overreacting?” he snarls. “Some fucking lunatic gets into my apartment to kidnap my wife, and you think I’m overreacting!”

Oh, so apparently he IS mad about Hyde breaking into the apartment? But then why is he directing his anger at Ana? This doesn’t make any sense.

“Christian, I wasn’t here.” I try to appease and reassure him.
“I know,” he whispers opening his eyes. “And all because you can’t follow a simple, fucking request.”

fuck this thing godzilla

Request: “an act of asking politely or formally for something.”

Order: “an authoritative command, direction, or instruction.”

WHEN DID YOU EVER FUCKING ASK POLITELY, CHRISTIAN.

ALSO.

THE THING ABOUT REQUESTS IS THAT YOU’RE NOT FORCED TO OBEY THEM.

YOU CAN SAY NO TO A REQUEST.

YOU CAN SAY “FUCK YOU” TO A REQUEST.

YOU CAN SAY “FUCK YOU, CHRISTIAN, I’M GOING OUT WITH MY GODDAMNED BEST FRIEND, AND YOU CAN’T STOP ME BECAUSE I’M A GROWN-ASS ADULT” TO A REQUEST.

ANA ISN’T FUCKING BOUND TO OBEY YOU, YOU GODDAMNED NIGHTMARE OF A PERSON. SHE’S NOT A FUCKING DOG.

SHE WENT OUT WITH HER FRIEND, SHE DIDN’T FUCKING POOP ON YOUR FAVORITE SUIT.

ARE WE SUPPOSED TO VIEW THIS AS A LOGICAL TRAIN OF THOUGHT? BECAUSE IT’S JUST NOT.

THIS IS MAYBE THE LEAST LOGICAL THING I’VE EVER READ.

FUCK.

Christian leaves the shower to go get dressed. By the time Ana is done showering, Christian is already dressed and in his office. Ana isn’t allowed in, apparently. Christian is probably keeping more secrets from Ana, like how he kept the severity of the situation a secret from her, and then just expected her to blindly follow instructions.

I can’t even put my rage into words, you guys. I don’t think I’ve ever been this mad at this series.

Oh jesus. And then Christian gets mad at Ana for wanting to go to work. SHE HAS A JOB, YOU FUCK-FACE. LET HER DO WHAT SHE FUCKING WANTS TO DO.

He also refuses to let her drive her own car to get to work. I think she’s driven her car maybe 2 times.

HE ALSO REFUSES TO EVEN KISS HER GOODBYE? CHRISTIAN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN MAD AT HER FOR.

I swear to fucking god. If King Joffrey and Christian Grey were both standing in front of me, and I had a loaded crossbow, I’d shoot Christian Grey in a heartbeat. At least everyone in GoT acknowledges how shitty Joffrey is. No one ever really acknowledges how much of a horrible person Christian is. We’re just supposed to accept it as part of his personality, like a fun little quirk, the way some people make weird sounds when they sneeze.

I just want Kate to come riding in on a beautiful white stallion, and she’s just going to be like “Christian, you’re a fucking psychopath, and I hope you die, and I hope you never get to abuse anyone ever again, but GUESS WHAT I’m taking my friend, because you don’t deserve her, and she doesn’t deserve to be mistreated by you any more.”

And then Kate and Ana gallop off into the sunset and live happily ever after.

But that’s not what happens. Instead, Ana leaves for work, and finds a crowd of paparazzi outside of her office, because apparently Christian Grey is a big deal, and people care about him and what happens to him or whatever.

Elizabeth, a woman who Ana works with (though I’m not sure what Elizabeth actually does…), comes in to check on her in the afternoon, to see how she’s doing. It seems pretty routine, but Ana is all weirded out about it? I guess Ana isn’t used to having women that care about her (other than Kate). It seems like Ana just likes to hate 98% of the women in her acquaintance.

Ana gets an email from Christian, telling her that Detective Clark wants to meet with her at her office at 3 PM. Apparently Detective Clark couldn’t contact Ana herself. Also, apparently Christian doesn’t know how to use a fucking phone.

UUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AND THEN ANA STARTS FEELING BAD FOR CHRISTIAN. OH, POOR CHRISTIAN, HE WAS SO WORRIED. POOR CHRISTIAN, HE CAUGHT A REALLY LATE FLIGHT BACK.

Oo…but then Ana has a thought. Did Christian leave New York because he was mad at Ana for being out with Kate (which would mean that he left before hearing about Hyde), or did he leave once he heard about the situation at the apartment?

I swear to fucking god, if he left because Ana went out with her friend, I will personally eat a large, spicy burrito and shit in E.L. James’ mailbox.

Ana emails Christian to ask him about it. He’s all weird and avoids the question, and she totally calls him out on it. He doesn’t respond. This is Ana’s reaction, via email:

I will take your silence as an admission that you did indeed return to Seattle because I CHANGED MY MIND. I am an adult female and went for a drink with my friend. I did not understand the security ramifications of CHANGING MY MIND because YOU NEVER TELL ME ANYTHING.

She ends the email by saying: “You are not the only one who is fucking pissed. Okay?”

amen

As happy as I am about Ana standing up to him, I know it won’t last. Also, instead of sending him an angry email, she should be leaving his ass behind, because he’s no good for her. He’s no good for anyone.

Of course, rather than taking her email seriously, Christian pretty much blows it off, because he doesn’t seem to think that Ana’s rage is equal to his, and therefore barely deserves his consideration.

As ever, Mrs. Grey, you are forthright and challenging in e-mail.
Perhaps we can discuss this when you get home to OUR apartment.
You should watch your language. I am still fucking pissed, too.

YOU SON OF A BITCH.

YOU CALL HER OUT ABOUT SWEARING? SERIOUSLY? YOU CAN’T TAKE TWO SECONDS TO ACTUALLY THINK ABOUT HER ANGER AND RESPOND APPROPRIATELY, INSTEAD YOU BASICALLY ACT LIKE A 12 YEAR OLD ON THE INTERNET AND SAY “WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE.”

YOU ARE IGNORING HER (VERY REASONABLE) ANGER, BECAUSE YOU DON’T SEEM TO SEE HER AS AN EQUAL. YOU NEVER RESPECT HER OPINIONS, YOU JUST TRAIPSE ALONG THROUGH LIFE, COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS TO THE FACT THAT YOUR WIFE IS AN ACTUAL PERSON WITH ACTUAL FEELINGS, FEELINGS THAT DESERVE TO BE RESPECTED.

I’m so fucking done.

UGH.

Ana meets with the Detective, finds out that Hyde is in custody, and he’s being charged with some serious shit, though the detective won’t say what.

She goes home, and finds Christian wearing a tight black shirt and his “playroom” jeans, the ones he always wears when they go do kinky shit. Apparently the top button is undone.

IF HE TRIES TO SOLVE THIS ARGUMENT USING SEX, I AM GOING TO LITERALLY THROW MY COMPUTER INTO AN OCEAN, AND THEN I’M GOING TO PUNCH A SHARK IN THE MOUTH.

“Good to have you home. I’ve been waiting for you.”

-End of Chapter 10-

I literally can’t handle this book. I can’t explain to you guys how mad I am right now. I just can’t believe that people actually defend this serious, like it’s some kind of wonderful thing.

This is why I needed to read these books. Because I want to know every inch of these horrible nightmare books, so that no one can ever tell me “well you don’t know what you’re talking about, you’ve never read the books!”

I have read the books, my friends. I’m reading them a second time for this blog (though I barely remember them from the first read-through). And let me tell you something…these books are an atrocious assault on literature, on society, on women, on everyone who has ever breathed.

These books glorify abuse. These books teach you to solve your problems using sex and manipulation. These books teach you that men (specifically Christian Grey) are better than women, and that kind of thinking is ACTUALLY DANGEROUS.

So the next time you hear someone defending these books, or you see someone parading them around like they’re some wonderful gift to humankind…you show them this chapter. You ask them to explain how this chapter isn’t full of abusive language and manipulation. You ask them to explain how they can read this chapter and still say that Christian and Ana’s relationship is a healthy one.

And on that note…I need a goddamned drink. I hope you all have a lovely week, and I’ll (hopefully) post again next week.

Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 10 [Part 1]

[disclaimer: I don't own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

IMPORTANT: I’m putting a trigger-warning on this one, because there is some stuff that implies rape, and some blatant glorification of abuse, and I don’t want anyone to read this post and get caught unaware by anything. If you are sensitive to mentions of rape or abuse, you might want to skip over this post…although to be honest you should skip over this entire book.

So I know it’s Tuesday, and I said I’d be posting on Mondays, buuut hey! At least it’s a post that’s happening less than a month after the last one! So that’s something, right?

RECAP: So the last chapter started off with a typical day in the Grey household. They wake up, they have sex, Christian has to force Ana to eat breakfast, you know, the usual bullshit. Christian mentions that he’s got a business trip to New York later this week, and he asks Ana to go, but Ana says no because she doesn’t want to take time off work. Then, Ana randomly mentions the gun she found in Christian’s desk, and we find out that A) it’s Leila’s, and B) Ana knows a lot about guns while Christian knows actual nothing, and refuses to learn. The two of them go to work, and they sent sexy (and exceedingly gross) emails to each other, like the professional business-people they are. We skip ahead to Christian already being in NY, and Ana making plans to go out with Kate. Plans which Christian doesn’t like, because he wants to lock Ana away in a tiny little cage and never let her go anywhere with anyone. Ana agrees to just drink with Kate at the apartment…except she IMMEDIATELY forgets that plan as soon as she sees her lover Kate. Ana brings some security guards with them to the bar, where “I’ll just have one drink” turns into several drinks. Kate tells Ana a bunch of stuff that Christian hasn’t told her about the whole Jack Hyde business. They finally leave the bar, and Ana starts talking about how lucky she is to be with Christian, and she’s just so brainwashed I can’t even handle it. Ana checks her phone, and WHAT DO YOU KNOW Christian’s mad at her. She texts him before getting back to the apartment. Back at the apartment, we find out that there was an intruder, but one of the security team apprehended him, and OH GOSH it’s Jack Hyde.

Time to see how frustrating this chapter is going to be!

-Chapter Ten-

We find out that Jack Hyde isn’t dead (of course not), but he’s knocked out pretty good. Ana asks Ryan (the security dude) a bunch of questions, like was Hyde alone (which he was, obviously), and how he got in (through the service elevator, apparently). Apparently Ryan let Hyde in after recognizing the dude’s face? And the other security people are…less than pleased with his recklessness. But, I mean, Ana wasn’t there, and I guess Ryan put Mrs. Jones (the housekeeper) in the “panic room” (because Christian literally has an impenetrable vault in his apartment, because he’s a rich fucking psychopath), sooo it wasn’t as reckless as it could have been?

They need to tie him up, and Ana mentions that she has some cable ties, and she’s immediately embarrassed once she says it, even though literally NO ONE CARES. Also literally everyone who works for Christian probably knows about his…passions. For fucks sake, Mrs. Jones CLEANS THE BUTT PLUGS FOR HIM. Sooo…idk man, Ana’s freaking out over nothing, but she thinks she’s being “audacious.” Idk on what planet she’s EVER been considered audacious, but whatever.

We find out that Hyde had a gun. Woohoo. This is literally THE MOST BORING FUCKING CHAPTER EVER. HOW DO YOU MAKE A CHAPTER BORING WHEN YOU JUST FOUND A DUDE IN YOUR GODDAMNED HOUSE. LIKE, YOU ACTIVELY HAVE TO TRY TO MAKE IT BORING. THIS LEVEL OF BORINGNESS HAD TO TAKE A LOT OF EFFORT, THAT’S HOW BAD IT IS.

Uuughhhhhh.

Oh, gross, they found duct tape on Hyde. I can only assume he meant to use it on a person…probably Ana…probably so he could sexually assault her like he always wanted to. That’s really upsetting and really gross. Bleh.

Ana instructs the security people to call the Police, even though Christian is always weird and never wants to call the police for no reason? Idk what his problem is. But he’s not there, so it’s Ana’s call, and Ana makes the right decision (…at least in my opinion).

We cut to a new scene where Ana is being questioned by the police. Apparently the Police already know that Hyde is a bad dude? Idk. They question people, and then Ana is tired and goes to bed.

She wakes up when it’s light out, and SURPRISE she’s got a hangover. But ACTUAL SURPRISE Christian is back, and is sitting in the bedroom watching Ana sleep, like the goddamned creep he is. Also he’s drinking whiskey or brandy or something. I guess he’s a classy creep.

OH AND WHAT A SHOCKER. HE’S MAD. AT ANA.

NOT MAD THAT SOMEONE BROKE INTO HIS APARTMENT WITH THE (PROBABLE) INTENTION OF HARMING HIS WIFE.

NO.

HE’S MAD AT HIS WIFE.

FOR GOING OUT WITH HER FRIEND. AN ACTIVITY THAT MAY HAVE ACTUALLY SAVED HER A LOT OF PAIN AND PROBLEMS.

what jasmine

Ana tries to apologize for going out, but when she doesn’t mean it, Christian is all “Why say it then?” and Ana is all “Because I don’t want you to be mad at me.”

I think he has spent more time mad at Ana than he’s spent being happy with her since they’ve been married. Since they met, actually. Can someone explain to me how he’s the ideal man? Please? Because he’s actually just a fucking nightmare. I don’t understand anything.

“Christian, please…”
“Please what?”
“Don’t be so cold.”
His eyebrows rise in surprise once more. “Anastasia, cold is not what I’m feeling at the moment. I’m burning. Burning with rage. I don’t know how to deal with these”–he waves his hand searching for the word–”feelings.” His tone is bitter.

flames on the side of my face

[if you haven't seen Clue, you need to. It's on Netflix. Go, my children. Go now and experience the wonders.]

…I really fucking hope this isn’t all directed at Ana. But it probably is, or at least it’s 99% directed at Ana, because apparently whenever Christian feels any ounce of emotion he’s like “What is this feeling…it’s probably rage…I SHOULD BE MAD AT MY WIFE FOR NO REASON!”

Ana crawls into his lap and they start cuddling, and the anger is (sort of) over? Except not because Christian says he’s still mad at her. And then Ana says she’s mad at him too, but she doesn’t tell him what it’s about because he’s still too mad.

“I want to punish you,” he whispers. “Really beat the shit out of you,” he adds.
My heart leaps into my mouth. Fuck. “I know,” I whisper as my scalp prickles.
“Maybe I will.”
“I hope not.”
He hugs me tighter. “Ana, Ana, Ana. You’d try the patience of a saint.”

shut this the fuck down

CAN WE ALL JUST TAKE A MOMENT AND APPRECIATE THE SHEER AMOUNT OF BULLSHIT WE ALL JUST EXPERIENCED.

FUCKING CHRIST. I NEED AN ENTIRE FIFTH OF WHISKEY AFTER THAT. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

CHRISTIAN GREY…WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.

harassment of the female gender

EVERYONE PLEASE MEMORIZE WHAT JUST HAPPENED ABOVE. MEMORIZE IT, PRINT IT ON T-SHIRTS, SHOUT IT FROM MOUNTAINTOPS, I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU DO, JUST REMEMBER THAT LITTLE EXCHANGE EVERY TIME SOMEONE TRIES TO TELL YOU THAT THIS BOOK DOESN’T GLORIFY ABUSE.

THIS BOOK PAINTS ABUSE AS JUST A NORMAL PART OF A BDSM RELATIONSHIP. AND IT’S NOT.

THIS BOOK MAKES ABUSE SEEM LIKE IT CAN BE DESERVED, AS IF ANA DESERVES TO BE PUNISHED FOR THESE MINOR TRANSGRESSIONS.

THIS BOOK ROMANTICIZES ABUSE, AND MAKES IT DESIRABLE, BECAUSE CHRISTIAN GREY IS A LITERAL GOD, AND WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BOW DOWN TO HIM AND WISH FOR MEN LIKE HIM TO COME AND LOVE US AND MARRY US, AND NO ONE EVER CALLS HIM OUT ON HIS SHIT.

THIS BOOK NORMALIZES ABUSE, AND MAKES IT SEEM LIKE JUST A ROUTINE PART OF SOME RELATIONSHIPS, AND I CAN TELL YOU RIGHT NOW THAT IN NO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WILL ONE PARTNER EVER TELL THE OTHER PARTNER THAT HE OR SHE WANTS TO “BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.”

THIS ENTIRE SITUATION MAKES NO SENSE, AND IF THIS IS HOW CHRISTIAN GREY REACTS TO STRESSFUL SITUATIONS, HE SHOULD NEVER HAVE EVER GOTTEN MARRIED, BECAUSE NO PERSON WHO MARRIES HIM IS SAFE WITH HIM.

BDSM IS A SAFE, CONSENSUAL PRACTICE. IT IS BASED UPON RULES THAT WERE ALREADY AGREED UPON, AND AT ANY POINT THE SUB (OR THE DOM) CAN CALL THE SCENE OFF IF IT GETS TOO INTENSE. CHRISTIAN’S RELATIONSHIP WITH ANA IS NOT SAFE, OR CONSENSUAL. THEY HAVE NOT AGREED UPON ANY CONCRETE RULES, THEY HAVE NOT DISCUSSED THEIR RULES IN A SAFE ENVIRONMENT, CHRISTIAN HAS NEVER MADE IT POSSIBLE FOR ANA TO ACTUALLY CONSENT TO THEIR ACTS BECAUSE SHE IS CONSTANTLY FUCKING TERRIFIED OF HIM.

THIS IS NOT BDSM. THIS ISN’T ROMANTIC. THIS ISN’T HEALTHY. THIS ISN’T SAFE.

THIS

IS

ABUSE.

(also literally wtf is that line about how she’d “try the patience of a saint.” What has she done to try his patience, other than go out with one of her friends? You’re not a saint, Christian. You’re a manipulative, abusive asshole. Stop trying to make what you said into a joke. It’s not a joke. Threatening to beat your significant other is abuse. End of story.)

Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 9

[disclaimer: I don't own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

Fuck this book. Seriously. I can’t even…whatever. Apparently there’s only 46 iPhone pages in chapter 9, so hopefully this shit will be over soon, and after that we’ve only got……20 more chapters left (including the epilogue and 3 bonus chapters).

SO LET’S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD.

RECAP: The architect that’s doing Ana and Christian’s new house, Gia Matteo, comes over, and tries to be all sexy for Christian, but Ana is having literally none of her shit. Apparently in the 50SoG world women only exist to please men and hate other women. Ana calls Gia out, and Gia backs off, and then everything is fine. Christian later calls Gia a “sexual predator,” because apparently Christian doesn’t know what that phrase means. Later, Christian and Ana continue their discussion about how Christian has demanded that Ana changes her name, and Christian makes literally the whole conversation about him, and he pretty much refuses to acknowledge Ana’s very reasonable feelings about the whole thing, and in the end Ana just agrees to take Christian’s last name because it means so much to him, and because Ana literally cannot defy Christian in any way. And then…Ana gives Christian a hair-cut? But it turns into sexy-times before she can actually cut any hair. Christian makes Ana cum just by playing with her nipples, which, while I”m sure for some women it’s possible, this is VERY RARE and has probably given a lot of women a lot of very confusing (and erroneous) notions about sex. Later, Ana and Christian talk about the fact that Christian has decided to make Ana the head of her publishing company, even though she 100% doesn’t want that, and Christian once again completely ignores/doesn’t understand Ana’s feelings on the subject. They talk a little bit about Christian’s childhood trauma, and then have sex again, because why not.

Alright. Let’s roll.

-Chapter Nine-

Ana wakes up to Christian being wrapped around her “like Ivy,” which apparently always happens after they fight (which they do ALL THE FUCKING TIME).

Oh, Fifty. He is so needy on some level. Who would have thought?

Me. I would have thought. Also, YOU should have thought about this BEFORE YOU MARRIED HIM. “Huh, my husband is so needy…” YEAH YOU SHOULD HAVE FIGURED THAT OUT A LONG-ASS TIME AGO. BUT YOU DIDN’T HAVE A CHANCE TO BECAUSE YOU ONLY KNEW HIM FOR 4 MONTHS BEFORE YOU DECIDED TO MARRY HIM. WHAT THE FUCK.

Uuuughhhhhhhhhh I can’t even handle this bullshit.

Christian wakes up, they cuddle for like 2 seconds, and then they have some sexy-times, which thankfully we don’t have to read about.

They go eat breakfast. Well, they sit in the kitchen and Christian demands that Ana eat, because apparently she didn’t eat anything yesterday? It really seems like Ana has an eating disorder, considering how often she refuses to eat. But I’m sure E.L. James (and many of her readers) just see this as Ana being a “typical woman” because all women refuse to eat, right? That’s toootally normal, because you don’t want to be *whisper voice* fat, right?

Stop making this shit seem normal. Refusing to eat is NOT normal. I mean, if you’re emotionally distressed, maybe you won’t be hungry. I get that. But constantly refusing to eat is NOT GOOD, and it probably means you have some kind of eating disorder. Or maybe Ana just refuses to eat because she’s constantly FUCKING TERRIFIED OF HER GODDAMNED HUSBAND. I imagine it would be hard to eat anything when you’re constantly worried that he might lose his shit at you for no reason.

While they eat, Christian mentions that he might have to go to New York later this week, and he wants Ana to go with him because it’ll be an overnight trip.

Ana refuses, because she’s been away from work for 3 weeks for their honeymoon already, and she doesn’t want to take any more time off. Surprisingly, Christian doesn’t get mad at her for this (yet).

Ana asks Christian how he’s getting to NY, because she’s worried about him flying his helicopter, because the last time he flew his helicopter it crashed (and he didn’t even get a scratch on him). Apparently he’s taking the company jet, though. Because he’s fucking loaded.

Aaaaand now Ana is bringing up the fact that Christian has a gun in his desk? That’s a throwback. I don’t even remember what chapter that happened in? But apparently the gun is Leila’s (another throwback). Also, Ana says that it was loaded, and Christian is like “I don’t want you messing with guns. I hope you put the safety back on,” and then Ana TOTALLY CALLS HIM OUT because there IS no safety on that kind of gun, and apparently Christian knows nothing about guns, while Ana actually does know things about guns, and this makes me extremely happy.

[please, for the love of god, tell me that Ana shoots Christian. In some alternate universe, all I want is for Ana to shoot Christian.]

The two of them leave for work. all while arguing about gun control (Christian refuses to learn how to use a gun, while Ana and Taylor really want him to learn).

We learn some more about Leila, who is apparently in Connecticut, seeing a psychiatrist, and she’s miraculously better now, even though she suffered a pretty severe psychotic break literally like 2 months ago.

They each go to work, but instead of actually working, they just email each other all fucking morning, because they’re both fucking insane. And they’re also terrible employees.

During the emails, they are flirting (and it’s gross), and Christian says he might come pay Ana a (sexy) visit, but she makes some joke about how she wouldn’t want her “boss’s boss’s boss getting on top of [her] at work” and she wouldn’t want her “boss’s boss’s boss” to “fire [her] ass.”

To which Christian replies:

Believe me when I say there are a great many things he’d like to do to your ass right now. Firing you is not one of them.

ah no sherlock

NO

THANK

YOU.

Also, WHAT THE FUCK. YOU’RE USING YOUR WORK EMAILS TO SEND SEXY EMAILS TO EACH OTHER. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.

Anyway.

We skip ahead to later in the week, when Christian has already left for New York. Of course, Ana already feels despondent, even though Christian has been gone for a total of like 3 hours. But Ana has made plans to go get drinks with Kate! So that’s exciting. Maybe they’ll finally realize that they’re madly in love and will hop on a unicorn and ride off into the sunset.

It’s going to happen, guys. Trust me.

After Christian’s flight lands, he immediately calls Ana.

“How was your flight?”
“Long. What are you doing with Kate?”

…wtf.

“We’re just going out for a quiet drink.”
Christian says nothing.
“Sawyer and the new woman–Prescott–are coming to watch over us,” I offer, trying to placate him.
“I thought Kate was coming to the apartment.”
“She is after a quick drink.” Please let me go out!

what the fuck bluth

THIS RELATIONSHIP IS LITERALLY TEXTBOOK ABUSIVE.

According to the Red Flag Campaign, you should question relationships with people who: “Try to isolate you and control whom you see or where you go.”

NOW COULD SOMEONE KINDLY FUCKING EXPLAIN TO ME HOW THIS RELATIONSHIP ISN’T ABUSIVE. PLEASE. SOMEONE. ANYONE. I WOULD LOVE OT HEAR IT.

“But Christian is just concerned because there’s someone out there who is trying to kill them!”

That doesn’t explain all the other times that Christian hasn’t wanted Ana to go out. Also, Ana is bringing security guards with her. You seriously think she isn’t safe with 2 security guards? If she’s not safe with 2 guards, she’s not safe at home either, because NEWSFLASH, Jack Hyde probably knows where you fucking live.

If Obama can go out in public and not die, when literally hundreds of people want him dead, I THINK ANA FUCKING STEELE SHOULD BE SAFE AT A BAR WITH HER FRIEND.

FUCK YOU, CHRISTIAN. FUCK YOU AND YOUR ABUSIVE, MANIPULATIVE BULLSHIT.

Christian doesn’t flip out, which is good, but he’s obviously not happy, and finally Ana agrees to just stay in the apartment. She then feels guilty for making Christian worry. Because apparently her entire life is about pleasing Christian, and she’s supposed to feel guilty whenever she fails in that task.

ugh

We skip ahead again.

Kate looks gorgeous. In her tight white jeans and red camisole, she’s ready to rock the town.

[...]

“Ana!” she cries, scooping me up in a Kate hug.

JUST KISS

Seriously. You know you want to.

Oops. Kate really wants to go out, so Ana agrees to go out for one drink. Which, in a normal relationship, wouldn’t be a problem, but when you’re in a relationship with a PSYCHOPATH, then…I wonder how hard Christian is going to murder Ana for this?

The security team, Sawyer and a new black woman named Prescott (pretty sure she’s the only person of color in this book? Other than José, who was literally just a stereotype half the time), are pretty uncomfortable about disobeying orders, but Ana bullies them into giving in, which appears to be a trait that she’s picked up from Christian.

While they’re on their way to the bar, Kate tells Ana a bunch of stuff that she knows about the Jack Hyde situation, stuff that Christian hasn’t told Ana, because Christian really likes keeping secrets from his wife, secrets that directly relate to his family and her own safety.

Apparently there’s been extra security ordered for all the members of the Grey family, and it’s all because of some information that was on Jack Hyde’s SIP computer. Kate knows all of this because Elliot, Christian’s brother, isn’t a controlling nightmare boyfriend and actually shares things with his girlfriend.

At the bar, Kate and Ana start bitching about Gia, because I guess Gia had a thing with Elliot back in the day, so Kate hates her too, because HOW DARE SHE DATE ELLIOT BEFORE KATE DID. Like, I agree that Gia flirting with the obviously-married Christian is gross, but come on, guys. Ladies have to stick together. We get enough shit from dudes, we don’t need to add to it.

Later, Ana heads to the bathroom, and is accompanied by Prescott, who is clearly not happy about being forced to disobey Christian’s orders.

“I haven’t been out on my own since I got married,” I mutter wordlessly at the closed toilet door.

First of all, how the FUCK do you mutter wordlessly?

And second…you’ve only been married for literally less than a month, and 3 weeks of that you were on your honeymoon, and ALSO YOU BASICALLY STOLE A JETSKI AND WENT SHOPPING ON YOUR OWN WITHOUT CHRISTIAN? SO IDK WHAT YOU WANT, MAN.

But it is fucked up how little Ana is allowed to be by herself. That much is true.

Kate says something about how marriage “agrees” with Ana, and Ana starts thinking about how happy she is.

Could I be any happier? In spite of all his baggage, his nature, his Fiftyness, I have met and married the man of my dreams.

gurl

CHRISTIAN IS FUCKING ABUSIVE, YOU PUDDLE OF DICKS. HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES DOES HE HAVE TO CONTROL YOU AND EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATE YOU BEFORE YOU REALIZE THAT.

YOU COULD DEFINITELY BE HAPPIER. YOU COULD BE DATING SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY SEES YOU AS AN EQUAL, SOMEONE WHO RESPECTS YOU, YOUR PERSONAL SPACE, YOUR CHOICES, YOUR INTELLIGENCE. YOU COULD BE DATING SOMEONE WHO ALLOWS YOU TO GO OUT WITH FRIENDS, WHO DOESN’T FORCE YOU TO GET BIRTH CONTROL, WHO DOESN’T EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATE YOU INTO MARRIAGE AND INTO CHANGING YOUR NAME. YOU COULD BE DATING SOMEONE WHO DIDN’T MEET YOU BY STALKING YOU, WHO HASN’T SEXUALLY ABUSED YOU BY CONSTANTLY INSISTING ON PUSHING PAST YOUR LIMITS.

THE MAN OF YOUR DREAMS IS AN ABUSIVE JACKASS.

Uughhh WHY.

Ana mentions something about how Christian is going to be mad, but she’s like, smiling about it?

“Why are you grinning like a loon, Ana? You like Making Christian mad?”
“No. Not really. But it’s easily done. He’s very controlling sometimes.” Most of the time.

are you fucking kidding me zoom

I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know how to highlight the abuse in this book any more than I already have. I don’t understand how people think this isn’t abusive. The book literally points out how abusive Christian is ALL THE TIME, yet everyone just ignores it. I’m so fucking done.

Ana finally checks her phone, and SURPRISE, Christian is freaking out. He sends her an all-caps text asking where she is, as well as this email:

Sawyer tells me that you are drinking cocktails in a bar when you said you wouldn’t. Do you have any idea how mad I am at the moment?

GOD FORBID SHE CHANGE HER PLANS, CHRISTIAN. HOW DARE SHE DISOBEY YOUR ORDERS. IT’S ALMOST LIKE SHE’S A GROWN ASS WOMAN WHO CAN MAKE DECISIONS FOR HERSELF, AND THOSE DECISIONS MIGHT NOT ALWAYS BE THINGS THAT YOU AGREE WITH.

IT’S ALMOST LIKE SHE’S A HUMAN. FUCKING. BEING.

FUCK YOU FOR TRYING TO REDUCE HER TO THE EQUIVALENT OF A DOG, SOMETHING YOU OWN THAT YOU CAN ORDER AROUND AND PUNISH WHEN SHE DISOBEYS YOU.

SHE NEVER AGREED TO THAT. SHE NEVER AGREED TO YOUR FUCKING BULLSHIT “RULES.” SHE CAN MAKE HER OWN GODDAMNED DECISIONS AND YOU DON’T GET TO SAY SHIT ABOUT IT, BECAUSE YOU’RE HER HUSBAND, NOT HER FUCKING JAILER.

Ana gets back to the apartment after dropping Kate off, and…

The vase of flowers lies smashed into fragments all over the floor of the foyer, water and flowers and chunks of china are strewn everywhere, and the table is overturned. My scalp prickles and Sawyer grabs my arm and pulls me back into the elevator.

OH SHIT.

Apparently the guy, Ryan (?) who was watching the apartment apprehended someone who broke in.

Ryan is standing at the entrance of the great room. A cut above his eye is bleeding, and there’s another on his mouth. He looks roughed up, his clothes disheveled. But what’s more shocking is Jack Hyde slumped at his feet.

-End of Chapter Nine-

WELL THEN. For only being 46 pages, that chapter was a doozy.

Also…seriously. Christian is literally a textbook abuser, and I am going to vomit on everyone who tries to say otherwise, because that’s actually ridiculous. Christian is a terrible person and no one should ever idolize him or think he’s the perfect man. He could not be more far from perfect.

Well, I have no idea when I’ll post again, but I’m going to try and start posting something every Monday, because I now have Mondays off. No promises, but I’ll do my best.

Thanks for sticking around, guys! You readers are the best :)