Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 1 [part 2]

More of Chapter 1!

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

So Ana finally gets to Mr. Grey’s building, a huge 20-story giant that’s all glass and steel and fancy, and we spend WAY TOO MUCH TIME describing it in all the most boring ways possible.

I mean I’m a fan of description. I love Stephen King and George R.R. Martin and all those authors that spend umpteen billion pages describing a staircase, but they always find a way to make it interesting, either because the staircase is important or because they compare it to something clever, like teeth or something.

All E.L. gives us is that the building is made of glass and steel and the doors are made of glass and the name of the building is above the doors in steel and the lobby is made of glass and steel and sandstone, and the desk in the lobby is also made of sandstone.

Wow, great, you just described the most generic building ever. Ooo, glass and steel and sandstone? How interesting.

*sarcasm*

Behind the solid sandstone desk, a very attractive, groomed, blonde young woman smiles pleasantly at me.

Is that the first thing you notice about people? That they’re “groomed?” Not even WELL groomed, just that they’re groomed? I mean, I know that’s always my first reaction to people. “Hey, good for you! You brushed your hair today! How exciting!”

Also why does Ana describe every woman she sees as “attractive?”

Ana introduces herself and says she’s there to interview Mr. Grey.

She arches her eyebrow slightly as I stand self-consciously before her. I am beginning to wish I’d borrowed one of Kate’s formal blazers rather than wear my navy blue jacket. I have made an effort and worn my one and only skirt, my sensible brown knee-length boots and a blue sweater. For me, this is smart.

blinking

So you’re a senior in college, and you honestly don’t own anything more formal than one skirt and a navy blue jacket?

REALLY? Really.

No blazer, no dress pants, no dresses, no nice shoes…

YOU ARE GRADUATING SOON, ANA. YOU SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST ONE SET OF INTERVIEW CLOTHES.

It’s not even like she can’t afford them, she could have borrowed clothes from Kate, but she didn’t even think about it, like it never even crossed her mind that MAYBE she should dress nice when she’s going to interview THE CEO OF A MAJOR CORPORATION.

She hands me a security pass that has VISITOR very firmly stamped on the front. I can’t help my smirk. Surely it’s obvious that I’m just visiting. I don’t fit in here at all. Nothing changes.

Maybe you don’t fit in here because you HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO DRESS YOURSELF.

IT’S NOT THAT HARD.

Also oh, boo-hoo you feel out of place sometimes. Suck it up, sweet-cheeks, so do the rest of us. You’re not special.

The elevator whisks me with terminal velocity to the twentieth floor.

so incorrect

I don’t even…no. Just no.

TERMINAL VELOCITY n.

1. the constant maximum velocity reached by a body falling under gravity through a fluid, esp the atmosphere
2. the velocity of a missile or projectile when it reaches its target
3. the maximum velocity attained by a rocket, missile, or shell flying in a parabolic flight path
4. the maximum velocity that an aircraft can attain, as determined by its total drag

Tell me, E.L. James…which one of those definitions fits the way you just used Terminal Velocity?

Is Ana a falling body? Not unless the elevator has malfunctioned horribly since I last checked.

Is Ana a missile or projectile that has reached its target?

Is Ana flying in a parabolic flight path?

Is Ana an aircraft?

Or, and this is sort of a ridiculous notion, maybe, JUST MAYBE, you COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY USED THAT WORD WRONG.

There’s this really weird thing that some authors do when they’re writing a book, and it’s a pretty wide-spread practice, it’s even got it’s own fancy name that I think is derived from French…do you want to know what that thing is?

IT’S CALLED RESEARCH.

TRY IT SOMETIME.

[UPDATE–I asked my friend Nella, the physics wizard, about this, and this was her response: “Terminal velocity is when a mass in free fall is going so fast that the force by air resistance is great enough to equal the force by gravity so there is no more acceleration. So if the upward upward force on the elevator by the rigging system or whatever has a maximum value and the elevator ends up going fast enough that air resistance/friction in the shaft is great enough to reach that maximum value, then I suppose some variation of terminal velocity could be reached.”

So that’s really interesting!

However, since I’m pretty sure E.L. James just thought Terminal Velocity means “going really really fast,” I’m still going to call shenanigans on her use of it, even though technically it could possibly be correct maybe.

Thanks Nella! ]

———

In an effort to make these posts manageable and not 40 miles long, I’m splitting up the chapters into multiple parts. These are my splits, not E.L. James’s, just to clarify.

Thanks for reading!

ON TO PART THREE

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