Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 1 [part 4]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

Miss Kavanagh.” He extends a long-fingered hand to me once I’m upright. “I’m Christian Grey. Are you all right? Would you like to sit?”
So young – and attractive, very attractive. He’s tall, dressed in a fine gray suit, white shirt, and black tie with unruly dark-copper-colored hair and intense, bright gray eyes that regard me shrewdly.

Apparently everyone in this entire world is attractive, according to Anastasia Steele. There hasn’t been a single person that she hasn’t referred to as “attractive.”

GET A NEW ADJECTIVE.

If this guy is over thirty then I’m a monkey’s uncle.

benji does not want

Really. A monkey’s uncle.

NO ONE TALKS LIKE THIS.

Seriously this is the least-authentic 20-something-year-old voice you could POSSIBLE write.  Which brings us back to this little thing called RESEARCH where you actually take some time to figure out HOW YOUR MAIN CHARACTER WOULD TALK.

UGH.

In a daze, I place my hand in his and we shake. As our fingers touch, I feel an odd exhilarating shiver run through me. I withdraw my hand hastily, embarrassed. Must be static.

judging britney

Seriously? You’re so obviously attracted to him that it hurts me to read about it, yet you’re all WHAT IS THIS WHAT IS HAPPENING I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. I don’t even know what to do with you anymore, Ana.

So then Ana spends way too long describing his office (we get it. it’s big and it’s fancy. moving on) and then her and Mr. Grey have this short, awkward conversation about the pieces of art in his office, and she says something surprisingly astute about the art and he agrees with her and she’s all OH MAN WHY AM I BLUSHING THIS IS SO WEIRD WHAT IS GOING ON.

So then Ana is awkward and Christian is staring at her the whole time because he’s honestly really creepy, but apparently we’re supposed to find this charming and amusing and attractive. Wow, a man is staring at a woman, I don’t know about you but my panties are totally wet.

SARCASM.

Man, for something marketed as Mommy Porn, this first chapter is pretty dull. I get that they’re supposed to be “falling in love” or whatever but so far it’s been one of the most boring chapters of anything that I’ve ever read.

The next couple pages are just more of Ana awkwardly interviewing Christian and blushing all over the place [blush count: 3 so far] and Christian explaining that the reason he has so much money is that he’s just good at business and good at being in charge of people.

“You sound like a control freak.” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.
“Oh, I exercise control in all things, Miss Steele,” he says without a trace of humor in his smile.

I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE!

[in case you missed it: he’s referring to his BDSM lifestyle, which isn’t really BDSM so much as it’s him being a really scary dude who gets off on hitting women, but we’ll get to that in later chapters, don’t you worry]

I look at him, and he holds my gaze steadily, impassive. My heartbeat quickens, and my face flushes again.

Blush count: 4

Why does he have such an unnerving effect on me? His overwhelming good looks maybe? The way his eyes blaze at me? The way he strokes his index finger against his lower lip? I wish he’d stop doing that.

I WISH YOU WOULD STOP DOING THAT! You’re doing that thing that I told you not to do earlier! Where you ask the questions that your readers are supposed to be asking themselves! RHETORICAL QUESTIONS ARE STUPID, STOP USING THEM.

I like how you ask that stupid question and then you answer it yourself. You obviously know you’re attracted to him, stop playing dumb. OH MAN THIS SUPER ATTRACTIVE DUDE IS STARING AT ME AND IT MAKES ME FEEL ALL WEIRD, I WONDER WHY.

“And do you have any interests outside your work?”
“I have varied interests, Miss Steele.” A ghost of a smile touches his lips. “Very varied.” And for some reason, I’m confounded and heated by his steady gaze. His eyes are alight with some wicked thought.

Some wicked thought? Call it what it is, Ana. He wants to bone you. End of discussion.

Also, Blush Count: 5. Take a drink every time Ana blushes! Or maybe don’t do that. If this whole book continues like that, you’ll be wasted by the end of this chapter, and dead by the end of the second.

“But if you work so hard, what do you do to chill out?”
“Chill out?” He smiles, revealing perfect white teeth. I stop breathing. He really is beautiful. No one should be this good-looking.
“Well, to ‘chill out’ as you put it – I sail, I fly, I indulge in various physical pursuits.” He shifts in his chair.

spongebob I see what you did there

CHRISTIAN GREY JUST GOT A BONER!

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