Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 1 [part 5]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

So the interview continues and Christian says something about how he doesn’t have a heart and he doesn’t have friends and all that stuff. I suppose this whole thing is supposed to be character building, but mostly I’m just insanely bored and I’m not learning much about Christian Grey other than he’s really rich and mostly creepy, so…yeah.

Oh, cool, he also invests in farm technology. I literally could not be less interested in this.

Except Ana is REALLY interested in the farm stuff? Because he wants to “feed the world” and I guess that’s supposed to add depth to his character, because you can’t be a super egotistical rich businessman and want to make sure people have food to eat, obviously.

We later find out he was adopted and he doesn’t seem to want to talk about it. That’s probably the most interesting thing that’s happened so far and it was practically glossed over, so that’s…cool?

“Have you had to sacrifice a family life for your work?”
“I have a family. I have a brother and a sister and two loving parents. I’m not interested in extending my family beyond that.”
“Are you gay, Mr. Grey?”

ACoops is judging you

He inhales sharply, and I cringe, mortified. Crap. Why didn’t I employ some kind of filter before I read this straight out? How can I tell him I’m just reading the questions? Damn Kate and her curiosity!

Wait wait wait. Back up the truck.

That was KATE’S question?

WHAT KIND OF CRAP JOURNALIST BLUNTLY ASKS “ARE YOU GAY” DURING AN INTERVIEW!?! YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT HIS BUSINESS MODELS AND ALL THAT CRAP, THIS ISN’T GODDAMNED COSMO.

“No Anastasia, I’m not.” He raises his eyebrows, a cool gleam in his eyes. He does not look pleased.

Gee, I wonder why he’s not pleased, maybe because you just asked about his sexual orientation for NO REAL REASON even though that’s a SUPER AWKWARD QUESTION and this is a PROFESSIONAL INTERVIEW AND YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER.

Jesus, next are you going to ask him about the size of his dick? He is CLEARLY not very willing to talk about his personal life, as was evidenced by his reaction to your question about him being adopted and his family life, but you just steam-rolled ahead because you apparently have no idea how to talk to people.

UPDATE–Blush Count: 7

Christian then finds out that the questions are Kate’s, not Ana’s, and that Ana doesn’t even work for the student paper, which still doesn’t make sense because why the FUCK wouldn’t Kate send someone from the student paper to do the interview instead of her stupid roommate, but whatever.

Woops, Blush Count: 8. Jesus christ.

Then, one of Christian’s blonde colleagues comes in to tell him that his next appointment is in 2 minutes, and he says to cancel it, because apparently he wants to finish this awful interview, even though it’s the most awkward thing I’ve ever read.

And then Christian is all “I want to know about you. I think that’s only fair.”

BECAUSE THAT ISN’T CREEPY AS HELL.

His gray eyes are alight with curiosity. Double crap. Where’s he going with this? He places his elbows on the arms of the chair and steeples his fingers in front of his mouth. His mouth is very…distracting. I swallow.
“There’s not much to know,” I say, flushing again.

creepy pedo smile

Seriously Christian Grey you are the creepiest motherfucker ever. This is an interview, not social hour. You’re clearly interested in her, just say “Hey, you seem interesting, would you like to go out to dinner sometime? I had a good time talking to you.” Do you do that? No, instead you creepily stare at her and try and trick her into telling you about herself.

So then he mentions that there’s an internship program at his company, which is cool and all except she’s a literature student and therefore is almost COMPLETELY unqualified for a business internship, but alright.

Also, Christian, you OBVIOUSLY have a boner for her, and I’m pretty sure it’s a little taboo to sleep with interns, so why not just grow a pair and ASK HER OUT ON A FRIGGING DATE.

BUT NO. WE HAVE TO DO THIS STUPID ROUND-ABOUT CRAP.

Of course, this book would probably be much shorter if he just asked her out.

“Hey, Ana, could I have your number? It was great talking to you and I’d like to get to know you better, if you’re interested. Are you free at all next week?”
“Actually, I have a lot of final exams coming up that I need to study for, but maybe we could set something up in a couple weeks. If you could give me your number I could let you know when I’m free.”
“Sounds great! My number is…”
And their relationship was perfectly normal and ordinary and they went on dates and kissed and had sex and got in fights like normal couples and maybe fell in love and got married. THE END.

Much better book.

Too bad that’s not the book we got.

So Ana says something about how she wouldn’t fit in at this internship program, and he’s all “Why’s that?”

“It’s obvious, isn’t it?” I’m uncoordinated, scruffy, and I’m not blonde.
“Not to me,” he murmurs. His gaze is intense, all humor gone, and strange muscles deep in my belly clench suddenly.

Those are your kegel muscles, honey.

So then finally Ana leaves and Christian shows her out and is very creepy about it and keeps touching her and helps her put her coat on and she’s all OH MY GOD HE’S SO ATTRACTIVE WHAT DO I DO AS;DLFE

When I turn to look at him, he’s leaning against the doorway beside the elevator with one hand on the wall. He really is very, very good-looking. It’s distracting. His burning gray eyes gaze at me.
“Anastasia,” he says as a farewell.
“Christian,” I reply. And mercifully, the doors close.

—END OF CHAPTER ONE—

Friggin’ finally.

So basically Ana is ridiculous and Christian is a creep, and for some reason we needed an entire chapter to convey that information.

Something tells me this whole series could have been compressed down to a single book and could have saved me a lot of grief.

Tune in next time for Chapter Two! I’ll try and have it out by Wednesday, but we’ll see how well that turns out.

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2 thoughts on “Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 1 [part 5]

  1. AHHHH! I’m so glad you’re on WordPress and I can’t wait to see more of your liveblogs AND many other types of posts. =) (and to add context as to how I “know” you so as not to be creepy, I follow your liveblogs on tumblr). Anyway, can’t wait to see where you take this site!

  2. I told myself I wasn’t going to keep reading this series because the book itself was so painful. But this is HILARIOUS, so I’ve continued.

    I honestly never figured out that “the muscles deep in my belly” she kept referring to were her kegels. Because I don’t know about you, but mine aren’t actually in my belly. But you’re right. That’s the only thing she could be referring to. Bwahahaha.

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