Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 2 [part 1]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

RECAP: Anastasia Steele is a really boring literature student who for some reason is forced to go do an interview for the student newspaper, because her roommate, Kate, is extremely ill and apparently runs the paper entirely by herself and has no other friends in the journalism department that would maybe be better equipped to handle this interview. Ana spends 20 pages describing the blandest building ever built, and then goes and meets Christian Grey, a billionaire CEO of a company that does…some kind of business, not really sure what. Mr. Grey is exceedingly creepy and stares at her the whole time while stroking his lips, and Ana is constantly bewildered by how badly she wants to bang him. Ana leaves. End of chapter.

–Chapter Two–

The chapter opens with Ana getting out of the elevator (which didn’t go down at Terminal Velocity, even though it traveled UP at Terminal Velocity, which apparently means that Christian has used his massive amount of money to build an elevator that DEFIES PHYSICS) and almost falling again because she’s just soOoOoOoOo clumsy.

In case you weren’t previously aware, the 50 Shades books began as Twilight fanfiction, as is made painfully obvious by both the boring nature of Ana and her “clumsiness,” which is never consistently mentioned, and is only brought up when convenient.

No man has ever affected me the way Christian Grey has, and I cannot fathom why. Is it his looks? His civility? Wealth? Power? I don’t understand my irrational reaction.

Seriously.

His “civility”? OH MAN I’M SO TURNED ON BY HIS “Formal politeness and courtesy in behavior or speech”!!!!1!1

Lust isn’t rational, sweet-cheeks, it’s about time you learned that. You see an attractive dude and sometimes your vagina goes I WANT A PIECE OF THAT and BOOM done. That’s that.

But no, you’re going to whine about this for the next 3 books, about how he’s your “one true love” and how you know from the moment you laid eyes on him that you two were “meant to be” and all that bullshit.

A massive lady-boner does not true-love make.

AND THEN THE REST OF THIS PARAGRAPH JUST REITERATES THOSE EXACT SAME STATEMENTS IN COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY WAYS!

I breathe an enormous sigh of relief. What in heaven’s name was that all about? Leaning against one of the steel pillars of the building, I valiantly attempt to calm down and gather my thoughts. I shake my head. Holy crap – what was that?

I DON’T KNOW ANA. WHAT WAS IT.

idk therefore aliens

Guys…what if Crazy History Channel guy IS Anastasia Steele?! He’s got the unruly brown hair and a complete lack of common sense! IT FITS!

So then we get a couple pages of Ana whining about how awkward the interview was as she drives home, and how weird Christian is and how much of a babe he is. All of this should have been cut, in fact this entire book should have been cut, but that’s just my opinion I suppose.

Ana gets back to her apartment in Vancouver, Washington, which is much different from the Vancouver in Canada, in case you’re like me and had no idea there were two Vancouvers (I am ignorant in the ways of the Pacific Northwest, okay?). When she gets there, Kate is sitting on the couch studying, and is apparently…fine?

I’m sorry, this interview was a huge deal for her, she’d have to be on her death bed to have missed it, not just ill with a case of the sniffles. If she’s as “tenacious” as Ana describes her as, she would have found a way to do the interview. But apparently she just had a cold for like 8 hours and is perfectly fine now, as is evidenced by the fact that she “bounds up” to Ana and hugs her hard. Unless she ate some kind of miracle soup that instantly cured her, but whatever.

“Why didn’t you give me a biography? He made me feel like such an idiot for skimping on basic research.” Kate clamps a hand to her mouth.
“Jeez, Ana, I’m sorry – I didn’t think.”

YOU ARE GOING TO BE A TERRIBLE JOURNALIST, KATE. You didn’t think to give her a biography? Really?

You’re still not off the hook, Ana, it would have literally taken 2 seconds to Google him. You both suck.

After giving Kate the recording of the interview, Ana runs off to work at Clayton’s, which is a hardware store near Portland.

Ironically, I’m crap at any DIY. I leave all that to my dad. I’m much more of a curl-up-with-a-book-in-a-comfy-chair-by-the-fire kind of girl.

how original claps for you

And then she just…goes to work…and then goes home.

WHAT A USELESS PIECE OF SHIT PAGE. WHY. WHY DID YOU LEAVE THAT IN. I DON’T GIVE TWO PEA-SIZED SHITS ABOUT WHERE ANA WORKS.

annoyed stitch

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