[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]
Ana gets home from work and we spend a whole bunch of useless page-space reading about her talking to Kate about how the interview went. Kate is obviously a lot smarter than Ana is, and while listening to the interview notices that Christian OBVIOUSLY WANTED TO BONE ANA, but Ana in her head is all Oh nooo that’s not what that was about.
Ana I swear to god I want to strangle you. We’re not even a full two chapters in and I already want to murder you. This does not bode well.
“Shame we don’t have some original stills. Good-looking son of a bitch, isn’t he?”
“I suppose so.” I try hard to sound disinterested, and I think I succeed.
Chapter Two Blush Count: 1
Kate then tries to get Ana to admit that she’s got a massive, throbbing lady-boner for Mr. Grey, and Ana is all LA LA LA I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.
“So what did you really think of him?” Damn, she’s inquisitive. Why can’t she just let this go? Think of something – quick.
Or, you know, you could always just tell her that you don’t want to talk about it? HEAVEN FORBID WE’RE ACTUALLY OPEN AND HONEST WITH OUR BEST FRIEND.
“He’s very driven, controlling, arrogant – scary really, but very charismatic. I can understand the fascination,” I add truthfully, as I peer round the door at her hoping this will shut her up once and for all.
“You, fascinated by a man? That’s a first,” she snorts.
And this is the man she’s going to be in love with for the next 3 books, as well as the rest of her life. Someone she’s scared of.
Sounds like an A+ relationship already.
Also, seriously, can someone rewrite all of these books and make Kate the main love interest? They’re both so obviously infatuated with each other it’s not even fair.
OH, OH MAN, I DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE THIS.
THIS WHOLE CONVERSATION TAKES PLACE WHILE ANA IS IN THE KITCHEN MAKING A SANDWICH.
Not that a female character can never make a sandwich in a book, but considering the horrifying amount of sexism in this series, it’s kind of funny.
Then Ana goes and writes an article about some obscure British novel (because she’s such a special snowflake, in case you forgot, and reads British novels because no one else ever has enjoyed doing that). And then she goes to bed.
And then Ana goes about her life for a week, going to school, calling her mom, talking about Kate and how great Kate is, blah blah blah.
While on the phone with her mom, this happens:
“Ana? Have you met someone?” Wow…how does she do that? The excitement in her voice is palpable.
“No, Mom, it’s nothing. You’ll be the first to know if I do.”
“Ana, you really need to get out more, honey, You worry me.”
PLEASE TELL ME I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES THIS AS THE BEGINNING OF A BOOK ABOUT ANA AND KATE GETTING TOGETHER AND ANA COMING OUT TO HER CONSERVATIVE MOM WHO DOESN’T APPROVE OF GAY MARRIAGE.
Ana’s mom is worried about Ana specifically because she hasn’t met a dude she likes yet. Like having a dude in your life is the only thing worth living for, and the fact that she’s about to graduate college is useless and pointless and dumb because she doesn’t have a man-friend.
Then we get a paragraph explaining Ana’s mom’s love life, and how Ana’s stepfather, Ray, is considered her dad, even though he isn’t biologically, and he watches soccer and goes fishing because he’s a manly-man-man.
This chapter is so boring I literally don’t even know what to do with myself.
Oh! We’ve got a new character now! Ana’s friend José comes over with a bottle of champagne.
HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO BET THAT JOSÉ IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE JACOB CHARACTER!
How much you want to bet that I’ll end up liking José WAY more than I like Christian.
So José is a photographer, and his dad is friends with Ana’s step-dad, and clearly has the hots for Ana, because apparently EVERYONE has the hots for Ana. Ughhhhhhhhh.
He says he’s having an art show opening gallery thing where they’ll display his artwork, which is pretty cool, I’ll admit.
“Let’s celebrate. I want you to come to the opening.” José looks intently at me. I flush. “Both of you, of course,” he adds, glancing nervously at Kate.
José and I are good friends, but I know deep down inside, he’d like to be more. He’s cute and funny, but he’s just not for me. He’s more like the brother I never had.
Blush Count: 2
Katherine often teases me that I’m missing the need-a-boyfriend gene, but the truth is – I just haven’t met anyone who…well, whom I’m attracted to, even though part of me longs for those trembling knees, heart-in-my-mouth, butterflies-in-my-belly, sleepless nights.
Sometimes I wonder if there’s something wrong with me. Perhaps I’ve spent too long in the company of my literary romantic heroes, and consequently my ideals and expectations are far too high. But in reality, nobody’s ever made me feel like that.
Until very recently, the unwelcome, still-small voice of my subconscious whispers. NO! I banish the thought immediately. I am not going there, not after that painful interview.
I know I’m supposed to care…but I really, truly, from the bottom of my heart, do not.
We were doing SO WELL, that whole first part had Ana being all “I’m independent and I don’t need no man” which is cool, because you don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy, as Ana’s whole life apparently has been proof of, but the rest of this goddamned series is just going to negate that and I’m just going to poop on her.
So sick of you already, Ana. Ugh.