Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 3 [part 1]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs/images used in this post (or any other for that matter). If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

And we’re back! Happy Friday everyone!

RECAP: Ana is really boring and everyone is love with her, including her friend José, and this guy Paul who she works with. Ana goes into work and Christian finds her there because he is a creepy stalker. Christian then proceeds to buy several really suspicious items such as cable ties and masking tape, both of which are things used for bondage. Christian and Ana spend the whole time staring at each other awkwardly and thinking about how badly they want to bone, and then Christian leaves, after giving Ana his card, and Ana FINALLY admits that she wants him.

I haven’t even started reading this chapter yet and already I need a drink.

LET’S DO IT!

–Chapter Three–

After Christian leaves, Ana calls Kate, and Kate proceeds to freak out and be way too excited. Even Kate brings up the idea that Christian was there specifically to see Ana, but she doesn’t think it’s creepy, she’s just like “omg what if he likes u bby grl”.

IS NO ONE GOING TO MENTION THAT HE’S A FUCKING STALKER?

NO?

OKAY GREAT WAY TO GO GUYS.

When Ana tells Kate that Christian gave her his cell number, Kate is all OMG HE LIKES YOUUU and Ana is all omg no he doesn’t, even though he OBVIOUSLY DOES, but whatever.

My scalp prickles at the idea that maybe, just maybe, he might like me. After all, he did say he was glad Kate didn’t do the interview. I hug myself with quiet glee, rocking from side to side, entertaining the possibility that he might like me for one brief moment.

Jesus, Ana, are you 6 years old? OMG A BOY MIGHT LIKE ME! OMG OMG!

Stop. I know it’s exciting when a boy likes you but you are sitting in the stock room, at the hardware store that you work at, HUGGING YOURSELF and ROCKING SIDE TO SIDE. You are a straight-jacket and a soft-walled room away from a mental institution, good job.

So then Kate says that their normal photographer is out of town, so Ana is all Oh José can do it, and then Kate says that Ana has to call both José and Christian and Ana is all WHAT NO I’M AWKWARD AND DON’T WANT TO.

“Ana, you’re the one with the relationship.”
“Relationship?” I squeak at her, my voice rising several octaves. “I barely know the guy.”
“At least you’ve met him,” she says bitterly. “And it looks like he wants to know you better. Ana, just call him,” she snaps and hangs up. She is so bossy sometimes. I frown at my cell, sticking my tongue out at it.

gurl

Again, are you 6 years old? You’re seriously going to stick your tongue out at your phone. You are a child. Stop it.

I’m just leaving a message for José when Paul enters the stock room looking for sandpaper.
“We’re kind of busy out there, Ana,” he says without acrimony.
“Yeah, um, sorry,” I mutter, turning to leave.

YOU ARE THE WORST EMPLOYEE EVER. You were seriously just sitting on your phone in the stock room for god knows how long talking to your friends and hugging yourself over a dude. How you haven’t been fired yet is completely beyond me.

“Anyway, want to grab a drink or something this evening?”
Whenever [Paul is] home he asks me on a date, and I always say no. It’s a ritual. I’ve never considered it a good idea to date the boss’s brother, and besides, Paul is cute in a wholesome all-American boy-next-door kind of way, but he’s no literary hero, not by any stretch of the imagination.

what selena

Okay, if a dude you don’t like is constantly asking you out, either he’s a creep or you are not communicating your feelings properly.

IS IT REALLY THAT HARD TO JUST SAY “Hey Paul, you’re really great but I’m not interested in dating you, I just want to be friends.” OR, if this is like the 20th time he’s asked you out, maybe try saying “Paul, I don’t want to date you. Please don’t ask me out again, unless you mean it just as friends.”

ALSO

What the fuck, “literary hero?” What, like Mr. Darcy?

Or one of these…

[can we just pause for a second and notice the line at the bottom of that: “In the dark, there is no escaping passion…” That’s seriously on the cover of a book. God I love romance novels, they’re so delightfully bad]

Ana, you can’t run around pining after literary heroes like that. No one is perfect, and all those literary heroes had flaws too. Maybe the reason you haven’t found a guy you’ve really liked yet is that you have ridiculous standards that no one can live up to, except for Greek gods of sex like Christian Grey is.

Ugh and these books are just creating more women like Ana! Women who aren’t satisfied with real life dudes because they’re waiting for Christian Grey to come along!

LADIES. CHRISTIAN GREY ISN’T REAL. AND IF HE WAS, HE WOULD BE A SCARY, SCARY DUDE. STOP LUSTING AFTER HIM.

Anyway.

Is Grey [a literary hero]? My subconscious asks me, her eyebrow figuratively raised. I slap her down.

Aaaand now the voices in your head are talking to you. You have officially gone off the deep end, Ana. Time for that padded room and straight jacked that I mentioned earlier.

“Don’t you have a family dinner or something for your brother?”
“That’s tomorrow.”
“Maybe some other time, Paul. I need to study tonight. I have my finals next week.”
“Ana, one of these days you’ll say yes,” he smiles as I escape out to the store floor.

annoyed quinn

And here we have the “Nice Guy” in his native habitat. Though he lacks the typical Fedora that most of his kind wears, he still attempts to mate with the female even though she has repeatedly turned him down. A typical “nice guy” believes that if he is persistent enough, the female in question will eventually say yes to him, and if she doesn’t, there is something wrong with her.

Seriously.

“One of these days you’ll say yes.”

OR MAYBE SHE WON’T, PAUL. EVER THINK OF THAT? BECAUSE MAYBE SHE’S NOT INTERESTED IN YOU, WHAT A WEIRD CONCEPT.

God, is there ANY character in this entire book that I won’t immediately begin to loathe?

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One thought on “Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 3 [part 1]

  1. If you can hear your subconscious telling you something, doesn’t make it the whole affair… well, conscious? Maybe “subconscious” isn’t the best term to choose for Ana’s inner voice.

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