Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 3 [part 2]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs/images used in this post (or any other for that matter). If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

So Ana leaves work and goes and hangs out with Kate, who forces her to call José to set up the photoshoot, and even though Kate specifically said that José would do anything for Ana, he’s all whiny because he doesn’t want to take pictures of a person, he likes to take pictures of places. So then Kate threatens him until he agrees to do it, because naturally that’s how you treat your friends.

Apparently E.L. James’s idea of a strong, “tough” woman is just to make her a bitch to everyone.

“Call Grey, now!”

Seriously? That’s how Kate talks to her best friend? That’s…how do you say…really fucking rude?

But of course Ana just meekly takes the phone and doesn’t call her friend out on being a jerk.

So Ana calls him, and as soon as he knows who it is his voice changes and is all warm and “seductive” and it makes Ana blush.

Blush count: 1, I think, unless I missed one, which is possible because there’s like 5 on every goddamned page.

“Err – we’d like to go ahead with the photo shoot for the article.” Breathe, Ana, breathe. My lungs drag in a hasty breath. “Tomorrow, if that’s okay. Where would be convenient for you, sir?”
I can almost hear his sphinx-like smile through the phone.

annoyed with paper

How can you hear a “mysterious” smile through the phone, Ana?

Also, we get that your lungs are the part of you breathing, you could just say “I drag in a hasty breath.” It’s not like you can breathe with some other part of you. “No shit, YOUR LUNGS took a breath? I mean, I always breathe with my knee caps, but I guess you could breathe with your lungs if you really wanted to.”

Seriously. Stop.

I am all gushing and breathy – like a child, not a grown woman who can vote and legally drink in the State of Washington.

Because voting and drinking are the only two things that qualify you as an adult. Good to know.

So Ana and Christian hang up the phone, and Kate basically freaks out at Ana and is all OHMIGOD YOU LIKE HIM YOU’RE BLUSHING and Ana snaps at her because apparently they’re actually not very good friends and yell at each other all the time.

Whatever, they’re still a better match than Ana and Christian.

Also, Ana says that she’s intimidated by Christian.

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL START TO THIS RELATIONSHIP.

And then we get a whole bunch of boring nonsense about the hotel where the photoshoot is at and how Kate takes control of everything and blah blah blah.

Bored. So bored.

After Kate gives Ana a string of commands, we get this:

Yes, Mistress. She is so domineering. I roll my eyes, but do as I’m told.

I see what you did there

lololol BDSM reference.

Apparently Ana just likes to surround herself with people who tell her what to do all the time.

Also Ana has graduated from 6 year old to a teenager with that eye-roll. Seriously, Ana, you sound like you’re 13 years old.

Half an hour later, Christian Grey walks into our suite.
Holy crap! He’s wearing a white shirt, open at the collar, and grey flannel pants that hang from his hips. His unruly hair is still damp from a shower. My mouth goes dry looking at him…he’s so freaking hot.

I'm this close

SERIOUSLY ANA YOU ARE A TEENAGER. AN ANNOYING TEENAGER, AT THAT.

“He’s so freaking hot”? Are you KIDDING ME. How am I supposed to believe that you are a functioning adult when you say shit like that. There’s only so much disbelief I can suspend for you, Ana.

Also, why is Christian wearing pants that sound like pajama pants? Wow, real professional there, Mr. CEO.

Miss Steele, we meet again.” Grey extends his hand, and I shake it, blinking rapidly. Oh my… he really is, quite… wow. As I touch his hand, I’m aware of that delicious current running right through me, lighting me up, making me blush, and I’m sure my erratic breathing must be audible.

you're gonna get punched

Blush count: 2…or is it 3? I keep losing track, there are so many other things to get angry about.

Also what the fuck, why does she keep saying shit like “oh my” and “holy crap.” It is DRIVING ME INSANE.

I wish that “delicious current” was actually electricity. If Ana got electrocuted for real this book would suddenly be WAY better.

ALSO, jesus christ, Ana, you can’t even SHAKE HANDS without popping a boner? You have a serious, serious problem.

And then Kate finally meets Christian and shakes his hand and Ana is all in awe of her because she actually looks Christian in the eye when she shakes his hand, which is apparently an alien fucking concept to Ana.

EYE CONTACT while SHAKING HANDS?! IMPOSSIBLE!

Then we get some obvious tension between José and Christian when they get introduced, because everyone is in love with Ana and instantly turn into territorial assholes when she’s around and just glare at each other constantly.

Seriously, someone just pee on her already or brand your name on her ass. You’re treating her like your territory/property anyway, why not just go all-out?

 

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