Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 3 [part 5]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs/images used in this post (or any other for that matter). If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

So then Ana starts describing Christian again, because we can’t go a full page without her describing how perfect and tall he is.

He looks so comfortable, so at ease with his body, I envy him. Here’s me, all gawky and uncoordinated, barely able to get from A to B without falling flat on my face.

Ana, you tripped once. ONE TIME. One fall does not a clumsy person make. Also, literally EVERY SINGLE DUDE IN THIS BOOK SO FAR has been in love with you, so clearly you’re not “all gawky and uncoordinated,” you must be doing something right.

Then Christian asks what Ana is thinking, and she gets all sidetracked by how pretty he is. Woop-de-doo.

“Your thoughts?” he prompts me.
“This is my favorite tea.” My voice is quiet, breathy. I simply can’t believe I’m sitting opposite Christian Grey in a coffee shop in Portland. He frowns. He knows I’m hiding something.

Wow, what a pick-up line. “This is my favorite tea.” I’ll have to remember that one for the next time I’m trying to seduce someone, because it would totally work. You sure know how to get all the men-folk, don’t you Ana.

I pop the teabag into the teapot and almost immediately fish it out again with my teaspoon. As I place the used teabag back on the side plate, he cocks his head gazing quizzically at me.
“I like my tea black and weak,” I mutter as an explanation.

……so basically you’re drinking hot water that sort of tastes like tea if you concentrate real hard. Why waste a good teabag? If that’s how you make tea, you could probably just reuse the teabag 40 times.

Also WHY CAN’T YOU SPEAK AT A NORMAL, HUMAN VOLUME. You keep muttering and murmuring and talking quiet and breathy. ;LAKJSEROI STOP IT. I KNOW YOU FEEL AWKWARD BUT TALK LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING.

“I see. Is he your boyfriend?”
Woah…what?
“Who?”
“The photographer. José Rodriguez.”
I laugh, nervous but curious. What gave him that impression?

It was probably the fact that José constantly stares at you, and after you talked to Christian, José was fucking GLARING AT YOU. MAYBE THAT’S WHAT GAVE HIM THAT IMPRESSION, ANA.

“No. José’s a good friend of mine, that’s all. Why did you think he was my boyfriend?”
“The way you smiled at him, and he at you.”

So basically Christian was just staring at Ana the whole time. Alright then.

And then Ana basically starts salivating because Christian peels the wrapper off of his blueberry muffin, but since his fingers are creepy ET fingers (seriously she has done nothing but describe them as “long and graceful” this whole time) it’s like THE MOST ATTRACTIVE THING EVER.

“Do you want some?” he asks, and that amused, secret boner smile is back.

spongebob I see what you did there

Woah, who typed boner?! Definitely not me. Christian Grey definitely does not have a boner for Ana right now, that is definitely not what is happening, how silly of me.

“You seem nervous around men.”
Holy crap, that’s personal. I’m just nervous around you, Grey.
“I find you intimidating.” I flush scarlet, but mentally pat myself on the back for my candor, and gaze at my hands again. I hear his sharp intake of breath.
“You should find me intimidating,” he nods.

WOW YOU SAID HOW YOU WERE FEELING, HERE’S AN AWARD, NO ONE HAS EVER DONE THAT BEFORE, I’M SO IMPRESSED.

Also, seriously? “You should find me intimidating.” Are you a serial killer, Mr. Grey? Because you sure as hell sound like one.

And then they continue talking about how Christian doesn’t know how to read what Ana is thinking (the Twilight influence is very heavy here. Did I say influence? I meant to say that it’s really fucking obvious here that this “book” is literally just Twilight with different names and with BDSM instead of vampires but whatever), and they talk about how Ana blushes ALL. THE. TIME. But apparently Christian finds that charming or something, whereas the rest of the world finds it fucking annoying because it happens every 5 seconds.

Then we get a whole bunch of really boring character development that I know I should care about, but I just don’t. Ana talks about how her mom is on her 4th husband and Ana’s dad died when she was little so her stepfather Ray is basically her dad. Christian’s adoptive parents are rich, the mom’s a pediatrician and the dad’s a lawyer, and he’s got a brother, Elliot, and a sister.

I’m just so interested right now.

sarcasm sherlock

“Thank you for the tea, Mr. Grey.”
He smiles his odd I’ve got a whopping big boner secret smile.

Everything is better when you replace words with boner. Everything.

“Do you have a girlfriend?” I blurt out. Holy crap – I just said that out loud?

YES HOW DARE YOU ASK IF HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND. WHAT A HORRIBLE QUESTION TO ASK, THAT’S TOTALLY NOT A LOGICAL, NORMAL THING TO WONDER ABOUT AFTER GOING OUT FOR COFFEE WITH A GUY.

“No, Anastasia. I don’t do the girlfriend thing,” he says softly.
Oh…what does that mean? He’s not gay. Oh, maybe he is – crap! He must have lied to me in his interview.

He’s talking about the BDSM again, Ana. Seriously, just run away. Go date José, he’s much better for you. But do characters ever listen to the reader? Nope.

I have to go. I have to try and reassemble my thoughts. I have to get away from him. I walk forward, and I trip, stumbling headlong onto the road.
“Shit, Ana!” Grey cries. He tugs the hand that he’s holding so hard that I fall back against him just as a cyclist whips past, narrowly missing me, heading the wrong way up this one-way street.

UGH SERIOUSLY. YOU’RE ONLY EVER CLUMSY WHEN IT’S CONVENIENT. STOP.

I inhale his clean, vital scent. He smells of fresh laundered linen and some expensive body wash. Oh my, it’s intoxicating.

I need a drink for every time she says “Oh my.” Being black-out drunk would be SO MUCH BETTER than having to deal with Ana and her stupid phrases and blushing.

“Are you okay?” he whispers. He has one arm around me, clasping me to him, while the fingers of his other hand softly trace my face, gently probing, examining me. His thumb brushes my lower lip, and I hear his breath hitch. He’s staring into my eyes, and I hold his anxious, burning gaze for a moment or maybe it’s forever… but eventually, my attention is drawn to his beautiful mouth. Oh my. And for the first time in twenty-one years, I want to be kissed. I want to feel his mouth on me.

You haven’t wanted to kiss anyone for 21 years, Ana? Seriously? I mean not that that’s necessarily wrong or anything, but, I mean, I wanted to kiss people as early as 6 years old, so I’m just having a hard time trying to imagine what it’s like in your brain.

But really…you want to feel his mouth on you? REALLY. That’s not what you say when you want to kiss someone. That’s what you say when you want oral sex. Good job.

Ugh, can those two just PLEASE bone already. It’s getting a little ridiculous.

–End of Chapter 3–

Well, three chapters in and we’ve finally gotten a first date out of this, except by “date” I mean the two of them just stared creepily at each other and Christian made a lot of creepy remarks that Ana didn’t understand. But hey! That’s how all the best relationships start, right?

Chapter 4 should be out on Monday, I’ll see how much I can get done over the weekend, but I’ll probably have to cut down on my posting because school starts up again on Monday (as does baseball season, fuck yeah) and I’ll probably get real busy real quick. We’ll see!

 

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One thought on “Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 3 [part 5]

  1. Apparently Ana’s not doing anything right because even though she attracts men left and right despite being the special snowflake that she is (sarcasm), she’s attracted and ended up with a serial stalker creeper abuser fucker.

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