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So after her weep-fest in the parking garage over nothing, Ana heads home, and Kate immediately knows something is wrong.
“Ana, what’s wrong?”
Oh no…not the Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition. I shake my head at her in a back-off now, Kavanagh way – but I might as well be dealing with a blind, deaf mute.
Oh yes, how dare your friend ask you what’s wrong. The nerve of her. What a bitch.
And then Kate asks what’s wrong and Ana is all “mehh I don’t want to tell you because I’m a whiny teenager who’s bad at feelings/communication” and then Ana lies about why she’s upset because apparently Ana doesn’t understand what friends are. When I’m upset about a dude, I tell my friends. It’s not that hard. But apparently Ana is literally THE WORST at communicating WITH EVERYTHING THAT BREATHES.
“How was coffee? I know you have coffee.”
“I had tea. It was fine, nothing to report, really. I don’t know why he asked me.”
“He likes you, Ana.” She drops her arms.
“Not anymore. I won’t be seeing him again.” Yes. I manage to sound matter-of-fact.
“Not anymore”? Are you serious? All this because he didn’t kiss you when you wanted him to? Jesus, no wonder you’ve never really been in a relationship.
And then Ana is all “mehhh he’s out of my league, Kate, whine whine whine.”
“Ana! For heaven’s sake – how many times must I tell you? You’re a total babe,” she interrupts me. Oh no. She’s off on this tirade again.
E.L. James has clearly never heard any actual human beings talk. This whole conversation has been nothing but awkward phrasing and weirdly worded sentences. I find it hard to believe that someone would use the word “must” in the same sentence as “total babe.”
WHY DOST THOU MAKETH ME REPEAT MINE SELF ONCE MORE, ANASTASIA? THOU ART A TOTAL BABE.
And then Ana complains about it!
I feel you, Ana, I totally hate it when people tell me how good I look. It’s so annoying and definitely isn’t something I like to hear ever.
So then Ana reads the article Kate wrote about Christian, and she makes some comparison to the Icarus myth, where she’s Icarus and Christian Grey is the sun. What a stupid comparison. Die in a fire, please.
Now we get some more of Ana moping about in her room, overanalyzing everything Christian said to her, which is annoying, though not out of character.
And then Ana falls asleep.
I dream of gray eyes, leafy patterns in milk, and I’m running through dark places with eerie strip lighting, and I don’t know if I’m running toward something or away from it…it’s just not clear.
First off, disclaimer, I hate dream sequences as a writing device. They never really add anything to the plot, and usually they’re just boring and weird and they’re an excuse for the author to go HEY CHECK THIS OUT, THIS IS THE THEME OF THIS STORY OMG OMG I’M SO SUBTLE. Many people would disagree with me on this, which is fine, I know it’s up for argument, but personally, I think dream sequences are sloppy ways to tell the reader what the story is supposed to be about.
That being said…this dream sequence is even stupider than I thought it would be. Is it supposed to be foreshadowing or some bullshit? If it’s trying to deliver a theme to us, I’m not sure what that theme is. I would say maybe it’s supposed to be some kind of key insight into Ana’s subconscious, but since she literally tells us what her subconscious is doing every FIVE FUCKING SECONDS I don’t think that’s it.
So then we jump forward to Ana finishing her last final exam of her college career, wooo how exciting.
Her and Kate get back to the apartment, and sitting on their front step is a package addressed to “Miss Anastasia Steele.”
Inside the box are some fancy books that are in excellent condition and there’s a note that has some stupid quote from Tess of the D’Urbervilles, which a classic novel by Thomas Hardy, just in case you forgot that Ana is just soOoOooOo quirky and loves reading classic novels.
The quote is: “Why didn’t you tell me there was danger? Why didn’t you warn me? Ladies know what to guard against, because they read novels that tell them of these tricks…”
I am stunned by the irony as I’ve just spent three hours writing about the novels of Thomas Hardy in my final examination. Perhaps there is no irony…perhaps it’s deliberate.
IT IS DELIBERATE BECAUSE IT’S FROM CHRISTIAN.
THAT MOTHERFUCKER LOOKED UP YOUR ADDRESS AND CREEPILY LEFT A PACKAGE WAITING FOR YOU.
IF YOU THINK THIS IS CHARMING I WILL PERSONALLY PUNCH YOU IN THE THROAT.
Also the books are like uber rare because they’re first editions so they’re really expensive. So basically Christian Grey is a rich creepy fuck who keeps telling Ana to stay away probably so he can stalk her more.
“What does this card mean?”
“I have no idea. I think it’s a warning – honestly, he keeps warning me off. I have no idea why.”
MAYBE HE’S WARNING YOU OFF BECAUSE HE’S A CREEPY STALKER SERIAL KILLER AND FOR SOME REASON HE’S TRYING TO STOP HIMSELF FROM MURDERING YOU AND MAKING A SOUP WITH YOUR BONE MARROW.