Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 5 [part 2]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs/images used in this post (or any other for that matter). If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

“Did you eat last night?” His tone is accusatory. I shake my head. what major transgression have I committed now? His jaw clenches, but his face remains impassive.
“You need to eat. That’s why you were so ill. Honestly, Anastasia, it’s drinking rule number one.”

Yes, eating before drinking is important.

What is ALSO important is knowing your limits, and not DRINKING FIVE MARGARITAS WHEN YOU’VE NEVER BEEN DRUNK BEFORE.

THAT IS PROBABLY WHY SHE WAS SO ILL.

Still not over that. I don’t think I will ever be over that. Five margaritas? Jesus.

“Are you going to continue to scold me?”
“Is that what I’m doing?”
“I think so.”
“You’re lucky I’m just scolding you.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, if you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday.”

disgusted Jennifer Lawrence

This is also how I talk to my friends while they’re hungover.

“You got way too drunk last night, if we were dating I would SPANK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.”

Blegh. So creepy.

I  flush at the waywardness of my subconscious – she’s doing her happy dance in a bright red hula skirt at the thought of being his.

so fucking done

Have I talked about the whole Personified Subconscious/Inner Goddess thing yet?

Alright, listen up.

That, right there, that whole thing about the subconscious dancing in a red hula skirt…that is fucking stupid.

You don’t need to rely on stupid tricks to tell us how the character feels about something. It’s annoying, it’s tacky, and it’s completely unnecessary.

This is a book that is in FIRST PERSON. We are already IN ANA’S HEAD! We don’t need some not-so-clever gimmick to tell us how she’s feeling, because SHE COULD JUST TELL US HOW SHE’S FEELING HERSELF.

The whole “subconscious doing her happy dance” bullshit doesn’t really tell us anything, other than that Ana feels happy about that. How does it feel in her body when she thinks about that? We know she blushes, but how does her stomach feel? Her hands? Does she feel tingly, or warm? Do her hands start to tremble, or maybe her lips do? Does she have to hold back a smile? We don’t see Ana as a physical human being there, with actual emotions that have physical consequences (as all emotions do). We see her subconscious. Which we don’t need to see.

All that does is make Ana seem like a raging lunatic with multiple personality disorder. And hey, I mean, if that’s the point, good job. But somehow I don’t think it is.

Alright, moving on.

“I would have been fine. I was with Kate.”
“And the photographer?” he snaps at me.
Hmm…young José.I’ll need to face him at some point.
“José just got out of line.” I shrug.

NOPE.

N

O

P

E.

FORCING YOURSELF ON SOMEONE WHEN THEY DON’T WANT YOU ISN’T CALLED “GETTING OUT OF LINE.”

IT’S CALLED SEXUAL ASSAULT.

IT’S CALLED THE FIRST STEP OF RAPE.

IT’S CALLED “THAT IS MAJORLY NOT OKAY AND YOU SHOULD NO LONGER BE FRIENDS WITH THAT PERSON.

“But Caitlin, he was drunk! She led him on! You’re overreacting.”

no toaster

If you kiss someone while they try to push you away and tell you no, that is not okay. In fact, that is so not okay that I don’t even have enough words to explain to you how not okay it is.

If you think that is okay, or you can explain it away by saying “Oh well, he was just drunk, she shouldn’t have led him on like she did,” then you can kindly leave this blog and take your wrong opinions somewhere else. Thanks.

So then Christian says he’s going to go take a shower and Ana practically has a heart attack because he touches her face and then she forgets how to breathe until he’s out of the room.

Why is he so damned attractive? Right now I want to go and join him in the shower. I have never felt this way about anyone. My hormones are racing. My skin tingles where his thumb traced over my face and lower lip. I feel like squirming with a needy, achy…discomfort. I don’t understand this reaction. Hmm…Desire. This is desire. This is what it feels like.

YOU

ARE

HORNY.

Jesus, how have you never felt that before?

He’s difficult, complicated and confusing. One minute he rebuffs me, the next he sends me fourteen-thousand-dollar books, then he tracks me like a stalker. And for all that, I have spent the night in his hotel suite, and I feel safe. Protected. He cares enough to come and rescue me from some mistakenly perceived danger.

Ana, you were doing so well at the start of this paragraph. He IS difficult! He IS a stalker! Good job!

And then you ruin it by saying “but omg I feel so safe with him even though he stalked the shit out of me. So charming omgomgomg.”

ALSO

“MISTAKENLY PERCEIVED DANGER?!”

JOSE WAS PUTTING YOU IN VERY VERY SERIOUS DANGER.

“Oh haha, José, you’re so silly, kissing me even though I repeatedly resisted you and told you no. And you refused to let me go even when I clearly tried to push you away! How hilarious.”

hahaha no transformers

 

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4 thoughts on “Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 5 [part 2]

  1. ANA
    YOU ARE AN IDIOT.
    I haven’t read this book, and I already want to punch the bitch. Along with her producer, who wanted EMMA WATSON(HERMIONE GRANGER) to play Anastasia. And Edward McSparkles Cullen to play Grey.
    This…this is actually dumber than Twilight. I found a fanfiction which was the amalgam of those two, with the characters Edwistian and Anabella. Granted, it was funny, but if that ever becomes a serious plotline, I. Will. Cry

    You are a great person who has done the world justice for making this, Caitlin. Now we can get through the crap that is 50SOG without frying our brain cells.

  2. IT’S CALLED “THAT IS MAJORLY NOT OKAY AND YOU SHOULD NO LONGER BE FRIENDS WITH THAT PERSON.

    ~ So I should divorce my wonderful, loving husband simply because he has sometimes tried to kiss me when he knew I didn’t want it? You can’t say there’s a difference between a husband and a platonic friend, because that’s equal to saying spousal rape doesn’t exist. I have a friend who was raped by her husband, and I am NOT going to divorce my husband simply because his only sin is trying to kiss me when I’m not in the mood. I don’t allow small, petty little bad things outweigh all the tremendous good he’s done for me, because I know he could do far, far, far worse.

    • I don’t even know where to start with this one.

      There IS a difference between a friend BLATANTLY IGNORING YOUR WISHES and kissing you when he KNOWS YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED but he waited until you are DRUNK SO THAT YOU WON’T IMMEDIATELY SAY NO, and your husband kissing you when you’re not super into it??? That is very different??? Also Jose trapped Ana so she couldn’t easily get away from the kiss?? I’m not saying this is rape, and I’m definitely not saying that you have to divorce your husband, but what Jose did is super fucked up.

      If you’re having trouble seeing the difference between those two situations, you are reading the wrong blog.

  3. Hmm…young José.I’ll need to face him at some point.

    ~ Why the fuck does Ana think that??? Hmm… young Jose? Seriously? That makes it sound like she’s a cougar fantasizing about a much younger man. Where the hell is the word “young” coming from? And the “hmmm”? Gross. Why does Ana think such retarded thoughts that make no sense whatsoever? >_<

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