Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 6 [part 1]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs/images used in this post (or any other for that matter). If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

Happy Memorial Day to all of us in the United States! Happy Monday to the rest of you!

RECAP: Alright, so after getting wasted at the bar and passing out (after drinking WAY too much and also being sexually assaulted by her friend José), Ana is taken back to Christian’s apartment. She wakes up there the next morning (with no hangover, what the fuck), and proceeds to learn several creepy things about Christian: that he partially undressed her before putting her to bed, had his body guard then go buy entirely new clothes for her, including a bra and panties, all of which fit perfectly, slept next to her the whole night even though the hotel room is huge and probably has a couch, and also he prefers his women “sentient.” Ana takes a shower and plays with herself in there, which is just weird. They sort of discuss their relationship and Christian tells Ana that he won’t touch her until he has her “written consent to do so.” They make plans to meet for dinner that night, flying by helicopter to his place in Seattle. We then get the first sort of sexy-time scene, in which Ana and Christian make out all gross-like in an elevator.

My recaps are very long. I apologize.

ONWARD!

–Chapter Six–

Ana and Christian head out to his car, a black Audi SUV. I don’t know why it’s important for us to know what kind of car it is, I personally don’t give two shits about the fact that it’s an Audi, but whatever. Maybe the car is important. I don’t know. I don’t know how Ana instantly knows what kind of car it is, maybe she’ll surprise us and be really into cars. I doubt it, but maybe.

Ana is all weird because they kissed but now Christian isn’t acting any different and she doesn’t understand him (that means you SHOULDN’T FUCKING DATE HIM PROBABLY)

Perhaps I imagined it all. No. I touch my lips, swollen from his kiss. It definitely happened. I am a changed woman. I want this man, desperately, and he wanted me.

“I am a changed woman?” Dude, he kissed you. I know this is apparently your first “real kiss,” which is fine, but you’re still the same person you were 10 minutes ago, don’t give him so much credit. It was just a kiss.

BUT MAYBE IT’S TRUE LOVE! AND TRUE LOVE’S KISS IS IMPORTANT AND ALL THAT!

tgs puke gif

So they get in the car and drive off, and some Opera music is playing and Ana basically has an orgasm over it.

And then after the song Christian puts on a different song. Sex on Fire, by Kings of Leon.

I don’t even…whatever.

While driving, Christian answers like 13,452 cryptic phone calls and we have no idea what they’re about. One mentions something about an “NDA,” which I’m assuming will come up later. He then gets a call from Elliot, his adoptive brother, who is still with Kate because they presumably spent all night/morning having sex. How delightful. Christian agrees to pick Elliot up while dropping Ana off.

He pulls up outside my duplex. I belatedly realize he’s not asked me where I live – yet he knows. But then he sent the books; of course he knows where I live. What able, cell-phone-tracking, helicopter-owning stalker wouldn’t.
Why won’t he kiss me again? I pout at the thought.

hiding wtf

Umm…what.

“Man this guy is a creepy stalker…WHY WON’T HE KISS ME OMG”

Something is severely wrong with Anastasia Steele.

They get back to Ana and Kate’s apartment and Ana mutters something to Christian about how she liked the thing in the elevator and she thinks she hears him gasp, because everyone fucking gasps in this book because no one knows how to actually react to things because everyone is a poorly written puppet being handled by an author who apparently has never had an actual interaction with another human.

Kate and Elliot are sitting at the dining room table when Ana and Christian get there, and the really expensive books that Christian sent to Ana are no longer on the table, which is apparently an important detail for us to know.

[Kate] has the most un-Kate ridiculous grin on her face, and she looks mussed up in a sexy kind of way.

arrange the marriage

GOD JUST GET MARRIED ALREADY. YOU ARE SO IN LOVE WITH HER IT HURTS.

Kate and Christian are all weird towards each other because Kate is suspicious of Christian (probably because HE’S A FUCKING STALKER/MURDERER but whatever) and because Christian is suspicious of Kate (probably because he thinks she knows his secrets). Kate then leaps up (literally, she leaps up) to hug her wife I mean Ana, who is not her wife yet for no discernible reason. Then Elliot hugs Ana, probably because he wants to get in on a sexy threesome.

Then the boys go to leave, and Elliot basically makes out with Kate in front of Ana and his brother, because that’s not weird/kind of inappropriate but okay. And then he says “Laters, baby,” to Kate, which is apparently SUPER ADORBZ or something.

Kate just melts. I’ve never seen her melt before – the words comely and compliant come to mind. Compliant Kate. Boy, Elliot must be good.

WOW GREAT THAT’S COMPLETE BULLSHIT.

WE HAVE ONE STRONG FEMALE CHARACTER IN THIS BOOK SO FAR.

ONE. UNO. SINGULAR.

AND WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SHE MEETS A GUY SHE LIKES?

SUDDENLY SHE’S JUST THIS MELTING PUDDLE OF WEAKNESS.

BECAUSE WOMEN IN THIS BOOK ARE JUST SUPPOSED TO BE INFERIOR TO MEN, AND BEING ASSERTIVE IS JUST A DISEASE THAT CAN BE “CURED” BY A GOOD FUCKING FROM SOME ATTRACTIVE GUY.

I know, I know, strong women can get weak-kneed over guys and whatever. It’s just frustrating to have one strong female character who doesn’t take shit from anyone and isn’t fooled by Christian’s bullshit, only to have her fall for Christian’s brother and completely lose her backbone. Kate is a badass. The Kate that this book has introduced doesn’t seem like the kind of girl who would become “compliant” just because of a guy. She’s assertive and dominant and knows what she wants. Ugh.

Whatever. I still ship Kana. I will ship Kana for my whole life. Kate + Ana forever.

JUST TO CLARIFY: I don’t think that falling for a guy makes you weak. What I think is ridiculous is that Kate had some good sex and is suddenly “compliant” where she wasn’t before. I have a problem with the word “compliant,” because it makes it sound like that’s how women are supposed to be, like we’re supposed to comply with whatever the guy tells us because we like him and that’s our place in the world. That’s not okay.

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2 thoughts on “Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 6 [part 1]

  1. “Something is severely wrong with Anastasia Steele.”
    That should be the tagline for the movie. Seriously.
    Also, I adore your rabid Kana shipping as I am right there with you. Man, that would have made such a better book. Ana could slowly come to terms with her love for Kate and they could go all Thelma and Louise on Christian, except they’d have a happier ending and get married and run a newspaper or something. Freaking Kana. It could be so good.

  2. So, this is where that whole “laters babe” thing they’ve been slapping on merchandise comes from? I thought it would be from a significant event in the book but it’s not even a line that is said to the main character or by a main character. Also, is that the best line they could pull from this to slap on a wristband and some panty hose?

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