Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 7 [part 1]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs/images used in this post (or any other for that matter). If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

Sorry again for the delay in posting this chapter! I just love the Blackhawks so much. And they won last night! (Sorry if any of you are Red Wings fans. You guys played really great last night, and Howard is a baby angel sent from heaven, and he’ll probably take you guys to the cup soon, if not next year).

ANYWAY

RECAP:  So Ana comes home after spending the night with Christian and finds Kate and Elliot (Christian’s adoptive brother) in the apartment, and Elliot is all gross and makes out with Kate in front of Ana and Christian and then says “laters, baby,” and we’re supposed to find this SUPER ADORABLE or something. Obviously Kate likes it, because she “melts” and Ana describes her as “compliant” and “comely” which are two words I never want to be used to describe me. Ana and Kate talk about Christian, and even though Kate doesn’t trust him she helps Ana get ready for their date. Christian picks Ana up after work in his goddamned helicopter, and they fly to Seattle, all while Ana thinks very creepy thoughts about Christian, and Christian says vaguely alarming things to her. They get back to his penthouse or whatever, which is apparently fucking huge, have a glass of wine, and have a lot of useless flirty dialogue that I don’t care about. Christian then has Ana sign a NDA (Non-Disclosure Agreement) which means Ana can’t talk about their relationship with anyone. Ana signs it (without even fucking reading it) and then asks if they’re going to “make love,” to which Christian responds “I don’t make love. I fuck…hard.” and then he takes her to his “playroom.”

Y’ALL READY FOR THIS?

Because I’m not.

–Chapter Seven–

The first thing I notice is the smell: leather, wood, polish with a faint citrus scent.

Doesn’t sound very playful so far.

The walls and ceiling are a deep, dark burgundy, giving a womb-like effect to the spacious room, and the floor is old, old varnished wood.

I never want to have a room described as “womb-like.” I guess it’s supposed to be comforting or whatever, but I don’t think it’s a very good description. I mean, when was the last time Ana saw the inside of a womb? Probably not very recently.

Aww, yeah, here comes the fun stuff.

There is a large wooden cross like an X fastened to the wall facing the door. It’s made of high-polished mahogany, and there are restraining cuffs on each corner. Above it is an expansive iron grid suspended from the ceiling, eight foot square at least, and from it hang all manner of ropes, chains, and glinting shackles. By the door, two long, polished, ornately carved poles, like spindles from a banister but longer, hang like curtain rods across the wall. From them swing a startling assortment of paddles, whips, riding crops, and funny-looking feathery implements.

i just don't like it at all

I FEEL VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

SPECIFICALLY WITH THE GIANT X.

IT’S GIVING ME FLASHBACKS TO CERTAIN EPISODES OF GAME OF THRONES.

So I guess that makes Christian…a…certain…character…whose name I shall not mention in case some of you don’t want spoilers.

Sorry. Game of Thrones is always on my brain.

ANYWAY.

I just…this room sounds like a nightmare. I don’t know why Ana hasn’t run yet. Christian didn’t even explain himself first, he didn’t say “I’m into some weird sex shit, if you want to know the extent of it I can show you my playroom.” If you don’t want someone to run away screaming, you should probably, I don’t know, ease into things?

But apparently Ana isn’t going to run away screaming, or at least she isn’t yet, so I guess Christian’s tactics worked or something.

Also in the room we have:

  • A mahogany chest with very slim drawers. Ana doesn’t know what’s in them.
  • An oxblood leather padded bench (it’s probably oxblood colored so the blood stains don’t show so much)
  • A polished rack containing canes of various sizes.
  • A 6 foot long table with two matching stools.

And…the main event…

A giant, bigger-than-king-size bed with a canopy that conceals more chains and cuffs. It’s covered in red leather. Again, probably to hide the blood.

…Why would you put leather on a bed? That seems…uncomfortable. I know it’s for sexy times, but sitting on leather with bare skin is not fun at all. I can’t imagine it’s fun for sexy times either.

I guess it’s probably leather so it’s easier to clean. That way the clean up from the murder doesn’t take so long. How thoughtful.

There’s also a couch facing the bed. Which is just weird.

Ana walks into the room and touches one of the “feathery things,” which Christian informs her is a flogger.

A flogger…hmm. I think I’m in shock. My subconscious has emigrated or been struck dumb or simply keeled over and expired. I am numb. I can observe and absorb but not articulate my feelings about all this, because I’m in shock.

shakes head

WOW THAT SOUNDS AN AWFUL LOT LIKE THE FIRST STAGES OF STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!

Seriously, Ana, just leave. Why are you still even there. You recognize the fact that you’re in shock, and instead of you know, REMOVING YOURSELF FROM THAT SITUATION, you’re all “hmm…I’M GOING TO STAY AND POKE AROUND SOME MORE!”

I’ll say it again, Ana, you are literally too stupid to murder.

Then Ana asks if he “does this to people” or if people “do this to him,” and he says he does it to women who want him to, and he says he wants to do that with Ana very much.

I wander to the far corner of the room and pat the waist high padded bench and run my fingers over the leather. He likes to hurt women. The thought depresses me.

what tyra

The thought “depresses” you?

Depresses.

Are you SERIOUS.

It doesn’t TERRIFY THE SHIT OUT OF YOU, not even IN THE SLIGHTEST?!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

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One thought on “Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 7 [part 1]

  1. I just imagine her face falling like, “Oh, you like to hurt women. How disappointing.” And while that in itself if terrifying, it’s also hilarious.

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