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This chapter is going to be a long one, I can feel it.
Anyway, RECAP: Christian shows Ana his creepy
murder-room PLAYROOM. I meant playroom. Gosh you know, my fingers just got away from me on the keyboard there. So yes, he shows her his playroom where everything is either mahogany or covered in red leather (including the bed), and there are handcuffs everywhere and floggers and canes and all kinds of kinky nonsense. Ana recognizes that she’s in shock and that on some level she wants to run away, but SHE DOESN’T DO THAT FOR NO APPARENT REASON and she’s going to be murdered because of it. Christian then proceeds to explain BDSM wrong, saying that it’s solely for HIS pleasure, while it’s for ANA’S benefit, which is bullshit, and he says that the more she submits to him the more pleasure HE will feel, which is just NOT HOW IT’S SUPPOSED TO WORK. So then he shows her his list of “rules” if she were to become his submissive, rules on how she’s supposed to live while with him, including what she’s allowed to eat, how she’s allowed to dress, how much she’s required to sleep, and a whole lot of other nonsense. He also shows her a list of his “hard limits,” things that he won’t ever do, things like fire-play and anything involving blood or other bodily fluids. He asks her if she’s got anything to add, and she says she doesn’t know because she’s never had sex before, and Christian proceeds to FLIP THE FUCK OUT about it.
LET’S DO THIS.
“I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me,” he castigates me.
For those of you playing the drinking game back home, you should take a drink right now.
In case I haven’t gone over the rules, they are as follows:
- Drink every time Ana blushes
- Drink every time Ana bites her lip/Christian mentions it
- Drink every time the stupid personification of the Inner Goddess/Subconscious thing happens
- Drink every time E.L. James uses a word that she probably had to look up in a thesaurus because no one uses that word in real life ever.
Castigate means to “reprimand someone severely.”
WHY THE FUCK COULDN’T YOU USE REPRIMAND.
Also, jesus, Christian, maybe you should have, I don’t know, FUCKING ASKED?!
“The subject never came up. I’m not in the habit of revealing my sexual status to everyone I meet. I mean, we hardly know each other.” I’m staring at my hands. Why am I feeling guilty? Why is he so mad? I peek up at him.
We started out SO WELL, Ana. You were standing up to him, and making a very good point, because it should be his job to ask about how many sexual partners you’ve had instead of just assuming you’re a virgin. Especially because you even asked him how many he’s had, and he said 15! Why didn’t he ask you then? Probably because he’s a giant pile of fucks.
And on that note, why the FUCK do you feel GUILTY.
WHAT THE FUCK EVEN IS THAT.
Christian Grey: Virgin-shaming since 2011.
“Oh my god he’s just soOoOoOo hottt and sexy and brooding and oh em gee Christian Grey do me now.”
Why do women think like that. Why. Explain that to me. Someone. Please.
“I knew you were inexperienced, but a virgin!” He says it like it’s a really dirty word.
Being virgin isn’t a bad thing, jesus. It’s not some disease that needs to be “cured” or something. You shouldn’t shame people for how many sexual partners they have or haven’t had, even if it’s 0, even if it’s so many they can’t even count. Who the fuck cares. All that matters is that you’re both healthy and there’s no diseases happening. As long as that’s the case, why does it even matter how many people someone has slept with?
This book is so full of bullshit I can’t even handle it sometimes.
And this is a best-selling novel! That thousands and thousands of people have read! And many of those thousands are trying to emulate the relationship portrayed within these books!
I swear to god I want to light something on fire.
So then Christian asks Ana if she’s ever been kissed before, which she has, but only twice, which also shouldn’t be a problem but she doesn’t tell him so he can’t make a big deal out of it like I know he would.
“And a nice young man hasn’t swept you off your feet? I just don’t understand. You’re twenty-one, nearly twenty-two. You’re beautiful.”
HEAR THAT, LADIES? IF YOU DON’T HAVE SEX BY THE TIME YOU’RE TWENTY-TWO, YOU’RE BASICALLY AN OLD MAID AND THERE’S SOMETHING SEVERELY WRONG WITH YOU!
Man, I’m so glad we’ve travelled back to the GODDAMNED MIDDLE AGES.
This book should come with a free case of the Black Plague.
OH BUT ANA ISN’T EVEN OFFENDED.
SHE’S TOO DISTRACTED BECAUSE HE CALLED HER BEAUTIFUL!
More good news, ladies! It doesn’t matter how insulting, insensitive, misogynistic or awful your man is to you, as long as he calls you beautiful at the end you should be happy! That’s romance!
“How have you avoided sex? Tell me, please.”
Apparently Sex is a kind of disease that needs to be avoided, like the chicken pox.
What the fuck do you mean, “how have you avoided sex”?
SOME PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO HAVE SEX RIGHT OFF THE BAT, CHRISTIAN.
SOME PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO HAVE SEX AT ALL.
SOME PEOPLE WANT TO WAIT UNTIL MARRIAGE.
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO JUDGE THEM.
I swear to god I’m only 4 iPhone pages in to this chapter and I’m already about to rage-quit. How does anyone read this book and not erupt in a murderous rage.