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Ana and Christian go to the bedroom to “make love,” and surprise surprise, his bedroom is fucking enormous. We then get an unnecessarily long paragraph describing Christian taking off his watch, and then his jacket, and then his shoes, and then his socks. It literally tells you how he takes off his socks.
I get it, you’re trying to build tension and suspense.
There are other ways to go about it…like…I don’t know…DESCRIBING WHAT YOUR MAIN CHARACTER IS THINKING?
Oh, apparently what she’s thinking is that she’s turned on by his feet.
Christian Grey’s feet…wow…what is it about naked feet?
I DON’T KNOW, ANA, WHAT IS IT ABOUT NAKED FEET?
IS IT THAT THEY’RE GROSS 99.9% OF THE TIME? ESPECIALLY DUDE FEET?
Christian Grey then ascertains that Ana isn’t taking birth control, and he pulls out a pack of condoms from his dresser.
Why the fuck does he have condoms in his bedroom, if he never has sex in his bedroom?
Nothing makes senseeeeeeee.
Ughhh and then he starts undressing her and I have never wanted to throw up more in my life.
“Do you have any idea what I’m going to do to you?” he adds, caressing my chin.
The muscles inside the deepest darkest part of me clench in the most delicious fashion. The pain is so sweet and sharp I want to close my eyes, but I’m hypnotized by his gray eyes staring fervently into mine.
THE WORD YOU ARE LOOKING FOR IS “VAGINA”.
Also, what pain? He’s caressing your chin. It shouldn’t hurt when you clench your kegel muscles? Whatever.
“Oh, Ana,” he breathes. “You have the most beautiful skin, pale and flawless. I want to kiss every single inch of it.”
He probably wants to kiss every single inch BEFORE HE SKINS YOU LIKE A DEER AND MAKES A SUIT OUT OF YOU.
I flush. Oh my… Why did he say he couldn’t make love? I will do anything he wants.
Drink twice. I forgot about the Oh my… rule. Also, it helps if you say it in George Takai’s voice.
ALSO…Ana…do what YOU want. Not what HE wants. WHY IS THAT SUCH A HARD CONCEPT TO GRASP.
One hand remains in my hair, the other travels down my spine to my waist and down to my behind. His hand flexes over my backside and squeezes gently. He holds me against his hips, and I feel his erection, which he languidly pushes into me.
The sole purpose of this book is apparently to make me vomit. Blech.
So then Christian takes Ana’s pants off and I have a feeling things are about to get real gross up in here.
He stops and licks his lips, never breaking eye contact. He leans forward, running his nose up the apex between my thighs. I feel him. There.
GODDAMMIT JUST CALL IT SOMETHING. VAGINA. TWAT. PUSSY. LOVE-CAVE. I DON’T GIVE TWO SHITS, BUT REFER TO IT AS SOMETHING OTHER THAN “THERE.” GIVE IT A NAME FOR ALL I CARE. CALL IT CHERYL, I DON’T GIVE A SHIT, JUST STOP IT WITH THIS “THERE” BUSINESS.
Still kneeling, he grasps my foot and undoes my converse, pulling off my shoe and sock. I raise myself up on my elbows to see what he’s doing. I’m panting…wanting. He lifts my foot by the heel and runs his thumbnail up my instep. It’s almost painful, but I feel the movement echoed in my groin. I gasp. Not taking his eyes off mine, again he runs his tongue along my instep and then his teeth. Shit. I groan…I how can I feel this, there?
Apparently everyone in this book has a foot fetish.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that! It’s just not my personal cup of tea. And the foot-licking thing is severely weirding me out right now.
Also, adding another drinking rule. Drink every time she says “there” in reference to
Cheryl her vagina.
“Show me how you pleasure yourself.”
What? I frown.
“Don’t be coy, Ana, show me,” he whispers.
I shake my head.
“I don’t know what you mean.” My voice is hoarse. I hardly recognize it, laced with desire.
“How do you make yourself come? I want to see.”
I shake my head.
“I don’t,” I mumble.
Why can’t anyone talk above a goddamned whisper in this book, what the fuck.
And gentlemen, I suppose, but mostly ladies.
It’s time for Auntie Caitlin’s masturbation talk.
Basically, masturbate. Masturbate as little or as often as you like, but you should try it out. Maybe you try it and you don’t like it. Maybe you’re just not interested in sex. That’s totally fine and normal and a lot of people feel that way.
BUT. Try it.
Get to know your
Cheryl vagina. Don’t touch it the way you think you’re supposed to, don’t play with yourself the way you see people play with vaginas in porn. Explore your own body. Try fingering yourself, try playing with your clit, try vibrators and other sex toys, play with your boobs, play with your ass, do whatever you think feels good and don’t let anyone tell you that you shouldn’t masturbate or that touching yourself is wrong. Never feel guilty for masturbating.
If you’re going to have sex with someone else, you should know how to make yourself feel good. If you don’t know how to make yourself orgasm, how is anyone else supposed to figure it out? You should be an expert on your own body.