Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 8 [part 4]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs/images used in this post (or any other for that matter). If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

Not even halfway done with this chapter. Kill me now.

So Christian finds out that Ana doesn’t masturbate, and he’s all “Well, we’ll have to see what we can do about that.”

This sex scene is doing literally the opposite of its job. I have never been less turned on in my life. Ugh.

He kisses her over her panties, and she’s a wriggling little wreck, and then Christian says the only thing he’s said thus far that has even come close to being sexy (in my opinion): “We’re going to have to work on keeping you still, baby.”

I will admit, that’s pretty hot. But I’m still so turned off by what a misogynistic piece of shit Christian is that I can’t get my lady-boner up.

And then he starts playing with her boobs, and Ana gets nipple boners.

He blows very gently on one [nipple] as his hand moves to my other breast, and his thumb slowly rolls the end of my nipple, elongating it.

ew

Um.

Gross.

I never want the word “elongate” being used in reference to my nipples. No thank you.

Ana then thinks about how wet she is, and I’m not sure how she knows that she’s wet, if she’s never masturbated before or had sexual relations with anyone beyond kissing.

I do not understand this at all.

And then Christian practically makes Ana orgasm just by playing with her boobs? Which is just giving thousands of women unrealistic expectations.

Hey ladies! If your man can’t make you cum by playing with your boobs, you should dump him because he’s not good at sex, and it definitely doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that everyone’s bodies are different!

Being able to orgasm like that is REALLY rare, at least from what I understand, so if you don’t orgasm that way, it’s nothing wrong with you.

Welp. Then he actually DOES make Ana orgasm just by playing with her boobs, and he tells her to “let go” and she just does and she just has an orgasm.

God I wish having an orgasm was that easy.

His hand moves down my waist, to my hips, and then cups me, intimately…Jeez. His finger slips through the fine lace and slowly circles around me – there.

grumpy cat

Um…wait, THROUGH the fine lace? Did he really just poke a hole in your panties?

How…nice…of…him?

Suddenly, he sits up and tugs my panties off and throws them on the floor. Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free. Holy cow…

schwing

He kneels up and pulls a condom onto his considerable length. Oh no…Will it? How?
“Don’t worry,” he breathes, his eyes on mine. “You expand too.”

disgusted

I am so grossed out right now, ugh.

ALSO, vaginas don’t expand depth-wise so much as they expand width-wise.

So Christian Grey’s 17-inch monster-cock is going to be painful.

“I’m going to fuck you now, Miss Steele,” he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex. “Hard,” he whispers, and he slams into me.

JESUS CHRIST WHAT HAPPENED TO MAKING LOVE?!

SHE’S A VIRGIN, YOU DON’T CHARGE IN THERE GUNS BLAZING. YOU TAKE IT SLOW THE FIRST TIME. IT’S NOT LIKE RIPPING OFF A BANDAID.

WHAT THE FUCK.

“Aargh!” I cry as I feel a weird pinching sensation deep inside me as he rips through my virginity.

You will now say “aargh” in Mr. Krab’s voice.

Also, that is a completely USELESS piece of dialogue. Just say she cried out. We don’t need to know WHAT she cried out, because it doesn’t fucking matter.

Also who the fuck LITERALLY says “argh” when they’re in pain.

ALSO WHAT THE FUCK, “RIPS THROUGH MY VIRGINITY.”

I just picture a piece of paper covering her vagina that says, in big red letters, “VIRGINITY!”

And then Christian is all slow on the pull-out (when he should have been slow on the penetration first, but whatever), and then he slams into her again, because he apparently has no concept of being gentle and wants to cause Ana as much pain as possible. Also, considering how his cock is apparently monstrous (we never get a measurement, but Ana calls it “considerable” so I’m thinking it’s probably at least 8 or 9 inches long, which is WAY above average), he’s probably hitting her cervix, which hurts, a LOT.

But Ana is apparently enjoying it? Have fun with your bruised cervix, Ana.

And then he starts going faster and she orgasms again because apparently Ana orgasms at the drop of a hat.

Now I know what all the fuss is about. Two orgasms…coming apart at the seams, like the spin cycle on a washing machine, wow.

…how are orgasms anything like the spin cycle on a washing machine? How is that even a comparison that makes sense.

“I’d like to do that again,” I whisper. […]
“Would you now, Miss Steele?” He murmurs dryly. He leans down and kisses me very gently at the corner of my mouth. “Demanding little thing, aren’t you?”

“Yes, hi, Christian, I’d like very much if you’d have sex with me again.”
“Omfg so demanding.”

HOW IS THAT DEMANDING.

WHAT.

Ugh.

Also, apparently Christian was wearing his shirt this whole time?? Ookay…?

WELP THEY’RE GOING TO HAVE SEX AGAIN.

I don’t even know if Christian came? But I guess that’s not important? Even though it kind of is. I don’t even know if he’s still wearing the condom.

“I’m going to take you from behind, Anastasia,” he murmurs, and with his other hand, he grasps my hair at the nape in a fist and pulls gently, holding me in place.

And then he starts fingering her with his thumb? What. And then he has her suck on his thumb.

I taste the saltiness on his thumb and the faint metallic tang of blood. Holy fuck. This is wrong, but holy hell is it erotic.

HOW IS IT WRONG.

What’s wrong is the fact that there’s blood on his thumb and he didn’t even ask you if that was okay? Also you’d think that since your VAGINA IS BLEEDING, maybe he’d take it easy. But this is Christian Grey we’re talking about, and he doesn’t give two shits about anyone but himself.

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