Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 9 [part 1]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs/images used in this post (or any other for that matter). If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

I cannot tell you how much I’m dreading reading this chapter. I was just thinking about the last chapter and it’s making me upset. Ugh. People actually think this is a good book and it just makes me sad.

ANYWAY here we go.

RECAP: Ugh I don’t even want to relive this. So Christian finds out that Ana is a virgin and he freaks out because apparently pretty people can’t be virgins, and then he’s all COME WE MUST RECTIFY THIS SITUATION and they go to his bedroom to have sex. Thus begins one of the most uncomfortable sex scenes I’ve ever had the misfortune to read. We find out that Ana has never masturbated (or at least has never made herself orgasm), and in fact she can’t even refer to her own vagina by name, instead opting to refer to it as “there“. I have decided that her vagina’s name is actually Cheryl. Christian then proceeds to “rip through her virginity” (actual quote that Ana thinks) and is in no way gentle, and Ana starts bleeding but we’re not sure how much (of course that doesn’t stop them from having sex). OH also Christian makes Ana orgasm just by touching her boobs. And then Ana orgasms each time Christian tells her to, and then they fall asleep. Ana wakes up and finds Christian has gone out to his living room to play the piano because of…reasons? and the piano song makes her sad, and then they go back to bed.

ALRIGHT let’s see how gross this chapter will get!

-Chapter Nine-

Ana wakes up and spends the next 10 minutes staring at how beautiful Christian Grey is, and the whole paragraph is so disgustingly ridiculous that I want to throw up on her eyeballs.

…he’s so lovely when he’s asleep. I don’t have to worry about what I’m saying, what he’s saying, what plans he has, especially his plans for me.

judging britney

MAYBE, IF YOU’RE THAT WORRIED AROUND HIM ALL THE TIME, YOU SHOULDN’T BE WITH HIM.

“Man, I am an anxious wreck around this guy and he scares me to death, but I’m going to stay with him anyways!”

Eesh. What a healthy relationship this is already.

Then Ana goes to the bathroom and looks at herself in the mirror and is trying to decide if she looks any different, because apparently no longer being a virgin somehow fundamentally changes who you are as a person.

[hint: it doesn’t. at all.]

…my subconscious has woken. She’s staring at me with pursed lips, tapping her foot. So you’ve just slept with him, given him your virginity, a man who doesn’t love you. In fact, he has very odd ideas about you, wants to make you some sort of kinky sex slave.
ARE YOU CRAZY?
 She’s shouting at me.

Aaaaaaaand out comes the slut-shaming! How lovely!

The concept of “virginity” is a lie. Having a dick in your vagina doesn’t make you a different person, and it doesn’t make any difference whether or not the owner of said dick “loves” you or not. Everyone’s concept of love is different, first of all, and second of all, who gives a shit?

Sex is fun, and as long as you’re safe and it’s consensual, there is nothing wrong with it, whether you’re a virgin or your partner is a virgin or you’ve both had sex with 300 people or whatever.

Also, once again, Ana demonstrates a complete lack of understanding about how Dom/Sub relationships work.

The Dom doesn’t MAKE someone his/her Sub. The Sub WANTS to be the submissive, they WANT to be treated that way, they enjoy it. You don’t “make” anyone do anything, or at least you don’t make them do something they don’t want to do.

Ughhh I just want to publish a book called “50 Shades of ACTUAL BDSM: the complete guide.” The first page will say “everything you think you know about BDSM after reading 50 Shades of Grey is wrong. So stop thinking those things right now.”

Ugh and then Ana goes and finds her purse to text Kate (because she forgot, and now her wife Kate is probably super worried about Ana. While in her purse, Ana finds two hair ties and puts her hair in pig tails, because this is apparently just bad porn. Jesus H. Christ. Next they’re going to order a pizza and some muscled dude in short-shorts is going to deliver it and say “Who’s ready for some sausage.”

…I sort of want that to happen now. Oops.

And now Ana keeps referring to Christian as Bluebeard? As in the pirate who murdered all of his wives and hid their bodies in a room on his ship?

That’s probably not that far off, actually. I’m still waiting for Christian to reveal his serial killer nature.

And then Ana just starts cooking? And listening to her iPod and dancing around?

NO ONE ACTS LIKE THIS.

And while she’s cooking she keeps getting distracted by thinking about her night with Christian (being distracted is a horrible idea while cooking but whatever).

I close my eyes as my body hums at the recollection, and my muscles contract deliciously deep in my belly. My subconscious scowls at me…fucking – not lovemaking –  she screams at me like a harpy. I ignore her, but deep down I know she has a point.

face palm startrek

NO. NO SHE DOESN’T HAVE A POINT.

WHO GIVES TWO FUCKS IN SPACE WHETHER IT WAS FUCKING OR LOVEMAKING.

DID YOU ENJOY IT?

YES.

DONE. THAT’S IT. END OF STORY. NO ONE CARES IF IT WAS FUCKING OR LOVEMAKING. IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER.

UGH.

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