[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs/images used in this post (or any other for that matter). If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]
Ana turns around while cooking and finds Christian sitting and staring at her, because announcing your presence is for losers. They proceed to have awkward conversations while they both are obviously thinking about the sex from last night, but neither of them will mention it.
“Are you hungry?”
“Very,” he says with an intense look, and I don’t think he’s referring to food.
CHRISTIAN GREY ONLY FURTHER PROVES THAT HE IS IN FACT A MURDERER/CANNIBAL.
He gently pulls my pigtail.
“I love these,” he whispers. “They won’t protect you.”
Um….what the fuck.
They start eating, and then Christian says something about continuing Ana’s “Basic Training.”
“Well, as you’re sore, I thought we could stick to oral skills.”
[I’ve had that gif for forever and haven’t had anywhere to use it].
But on a more serious note…
gross. More oral. How much you want to bet that E.L. James will find a way to make it repulsive?
Then Christian is weird about Ana finishing her food again, and I guess this is supposed to be something that we’re curious about, something that will eventually turn into character development later on, but as of right now I don’t care in the slightest. He just seems like a weirdo. Yawn.
And then Kate calls Ana and is all OMG DID YOU HAVE SEX, GIVE ME THE DETAILS, and Ana refuses because she signed the Non-Disclosure Agreement (NDA), but she doesn’t tell Kate that. Then she asks Christian what the NDA covers, and whether or not she can ask Kate questions about sex, to which Christian replies “You can ask me.”
Um. Christian. Sometimes ladies need to talk to other ladies about lady things, because although I’m sure you’ve touched many vaginas, if you don’t have one it’s kind of hard to give advice.
“Your roommate is making the beast with two backs with my brother. I’d really rather you didn’t.”
WHO SAYS THAT.
WHY IS THAT STILL EVEN A PHRASE THAT PEOPLE USE.
“Come, let’s have a bath.” He leans down and kisses me. My heart leaps and desire pools way down low…way down there.
Goddammit, Ana, Cheryl is getting REALLY upset that you refuse to call her by her name. I think you and Cheryl need to go have a nice long conversation, get to know one another a little bit more, before you and Christian do anything else.
But does she listen to me? Of course not.
Ugh, Christian has a fancy tub that’s shaped like an egg, because he’s fucking loaded, in case you forgot, and he also pours in some jasmine bath oil because…apparently he owns jasmine bath oil? Which is fine? But a little weird? Idk, I never take baths and I think they’re a lot better in theory than in practice, so bath salts and oils are just kind of foreign concepts to me.
So then they get in and Ana is biting her lip and Christian gets all mad and GLARES AT HER. FOR BITING HER LIP.
WHAT THE FUCK.
But Ana is all omg so hot.
NO ANA. HE’S BEING A FUCKING WEIRDO. HE’S MAD AT YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE MAKING HIM HORNY BUT YOU’RE SORE SO HE CAN’T HAVE SEX WITH YOU.
HE’S MAD AT YOU BECAUSE HE CAN’T HAVE SEX WITH YOU.
THERE IS NO PART OF THAT THAT IS OKAY. STOP IT.
So while in the bath Christian starts washing Ana, and he…washes…her…armpits?
Weird. Just weird.
And then Christian gets a boner (hopefully not in response to her armpits).
It’s such a turn-on knowing that it’s my body making him feel this way. Ha…not your mind. My subconscious sneers.
I don’t know about you guys, but I know that brains ALWAYS turn me on.
No but seriously what the hell? Since when is it a problem for someone to be turned on by your body? Since when is that a bad thing? Ana keeps shaming herself because her and Christian aren’t “in love,” but what the fuck does that even matter? Who cares if he gets a boner because she’s a babe? I don’t get it.
And then he starts rubbing her clit, and she’s like 2 seconds away from having an orgasm and he just…stops…? And he says that he has other plans for her.
THIS NEXT BIT MIGHT BE MY FAVORITE LINE FROM THIS BOOK:
“I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this.”
It’s so big and growing.
WHAT DID I JUST READ.
I AM GOING TO VOMIT AND LAUGH AND VOMIT SOME MORE.
“IT’S SO BIG AND IT’S GROWING.”
LORD HAVE MERCY.
I…I CAN’T HANDLE THIS.