Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 9 [part 3]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs/images used in this post (or any other for that matter). If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

Still not over that last bit.

“On first name terms if you will.”

This is an actual book that is actually read by people who pay actual money for it.

Sometimes I think that I’m making it up, that this book is so bad that it can’t be real.

NOPE. IT’S REAL ALRIGHT. HORRIFYINGLY, ASTONISHINGLY REAL.

That was inside me! It doesn’t seem possible.

so fucking done

WELP. Now we get the hand-job training scene. Christian is teaching Ana how to give him a hand-job. How…delightful.

Except apparently Ana isn’t content with just a hand-job, and leans forward and puts his dick in her mouth, because apparently there’s a lot of it sticking up out of the water?

In case you’re wondering how big his dick is, I have drawn a very detailed and accurate picture to help you out:

UNNATURAL

Christian…doesn’t have arms, I guess.

NO ARMS. ONLY DICK.

No, but seriously, how much dick is realistically sticking up out of the water? I assume there’s a decent amount of water in the tub, probably at least…idk…a foot? And then take away like 6 inches because of his legs…so that’s 6 inches of water…and then several inches out of the water…

His dick is AT LEAST 8 inches long, but probably more like 9 or 10.

FUN FACT. BIGGER IS NOT BETTER (for most people). 10 INCHES HURTS. CHERYL DOES NOT LIKE 10 INCHES. CHERYL DOES NOT WANT 10 INCHES. CHERYL’S CERVIX GET’S UPSET ABOUT 10 INCHES.

THIS IS NOT REALISTIC AT ALL.

“Woah…Ana.” His eyes fly open and I suck harder.
Hmm…he’s soft and hard at once, like steel encased in velvet, and surprisingly tasty- salty and smooth.

you have got to be kidding

Steel encased in velvet? What the fuck does that even feel like??

Also smooth isn’t a taste, but okay.

I can do this. can fuck him with my mouth.

Um…good for you?

ass trophy

 

I pull him deeper into my mouth so I can feel him at the back of my throat and then to the front again. My tongue swirls around the end. He’s my very own Christian Grey flavor popsicle.

fuck this thing godzilla

Ughhhh, “Christian Grey flavor popsicle?”

Is this an actual thought that anyone has ever had while giving someone else a blowjob? Seriously?

I’m going to vomit.

And then he cums in her mouth and she just swallows it because apparently she’s got no gag reflex and is a blow-job master?

Well, you get an A in oral skills. Come, let’s go to bed, I owe you an orgasm.”

Well I guess it’s good that he reciprocates…although I don’t know why he wouldn’t let her orgasm before in the bath? Whatever.

Uh-oh…I think we’re about to find out why there’s a gray tie on the cover of the book…

Christian goes and gets a gray tie from his closet and uses it to tie Ana’s wrists together. Wow. How kinky.

blinking

 

He runs his fingers down my pigtails.
“You look so young with these,” he murmurs and moves forward.

WOW! He’s a murderer, cannibal, AND pedophile! HOW ADORABLE.

So Christian puts Ana on the bed and tells her to keep her hands above her head, and when she moves them to touch his hair he stops kissing her and glares at her?

Jeez, go easy on the girl, this is her first mild intro to BDSM. Glaring at her doesn’t help.

Bleagh. And then he starts licking her foot.

I can no longer watch him. It’s too erotic. I’m going to combust.

Do me a favor, Ana, and actually combust. This book would be way better.

And I know what he’s going to do, and part of me wants to push him off because I’m mortified and embarrassed. He’s going to kiss me there! I know it.

Yes, he’s going to kiss Cheryl. What is wrong with you. He already did that over your underwear last night. Just let it happen.

“I like this.” He gently tugs at my pubic hair. “Perhaps we’ll keep this.”

UM

EXCUSE ME

WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU PULLING ON HER PUBES.

YOU WEIRDO.

And then she orgasms, and then immediately after that they start having sex, even though he literally already said that he wouldn’t have sex with her because she was too sore, but she said it was okay so I guess I can’t be mad.

And then while they’re cuddling after sex, they hear voices outside Christian’s door.

“Shit! It’s my mother.”

WELP.

-End of Chapter Nine-

This chapter was so ridiculous I don’t even know what to say.

I skipped a lot of things again, mostly because I would just be repeating myself over and over again, posting quotes and saying “Gross” after them, because this whole thing is just icky.

Can’t wait to meet Christian’s mother on Wednesday! See you guys then.

 

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