Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 10 [part 1]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs/images used in this post (or any other for that matter). If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

Alright, Chapter 10 of 26, here we go!

RECAP: After their nighttime trip to SexTown, USA, Ana wakes up the next morning and decides to start cooking randomly. While cooking, Ana proceeds to slut-shame the hell out of herself, with her imaginary friend Subconscious guilt-tripping her because she had sex with Christian even though Christian doesn’t “love” her (which is a heaping pile of bullshit because why does it matter if they “love” each other, but whatever). Christian finds her and makes several creepy statements that sound like he’s a serial killer (surprise surprise). They decide to take a bath, during which Christian says they will work on Ana’s “oral skills.” Christian introduces Ana to his massive, god-like penis, suggesting that she come to know his “favorite part of his body” on “first-name terms, if you will” (I couldn’t even make this shit up if I tried). Ana is apparently a wizard at blow jobs, even though it’s the first time she’s touched a penis in her life. They then go back to his bedroom and he eats her out (after licking her feet), and then he starts fucking her (even though he explicitly said he wouldn’t do that because she was still sore from the night before). After they both orgasm, they hear voices outside his room, and one of those voices allegedly belongs to his mother.

…I don’t think there’s any way I could ever be prepared for this.

-Chapter Ten-

“Come on, we need to get dressed – that’s if you want to meet my mother.” He grins, leaps up off the bed, and pulls on his jeans, no underwear!

How do dudes not wear underwear? I mean, it’s uncomfortable enough going commando with a vagina, but if you’ve got a penis flopping around I can’t imagine jeans are very comfortable, especially not if said penis is 14 trillion inches long. Maybe he tucks the tip into his socks.

ALSO, if my mom just barged into my apartment while I was in my bedroom with a dude (or a lady, let’s be real here), I would not be grinning.

His mother! Holy crap. I have no clean clothes, and she’s practically walked in on us in flagrante delicto.

FLAGRANTE DELICTO (I think it’s latin?)
1 : in the very act of committing a misdeed : red-handed
: in the midst of sexual activity

Okay…so she almost caught you having sex…you’re both in your 20’s, I think she could handle it. Second of all…who the fuck uses fancy medieval latin terms in their every-day language? WHO TALKS LIKE THIS.

[answer: no one]

And then Ana is all freaked out and suggests that maybe she should stay in the room, and Christian literally demands that she wear some of his clothes and tells her that if she’s not out of the room in 5 minutes he will come and drag her out.

Don’t believe me?

“I will expect you in that room in five minutes, otherwise I’ll come and drag you out of here myself in whatever you’re wearing.”

WOW WHAT A SWEETHEART. *SWOON*.

grumpy cat

So Ana puts on some of her clothes from the night before, except she puts on some of Christian’s boxers, because she doesn’t want to wear dirty panties (also I’m pretty sure Christian put a hole in them the night before, or else his finger just teleported through the material).

Christian’s adoptive mother is a bombshell, of course. There are literally no unattractive people in this book. Not that it’s a bad thing that Ana finds everyone attractive, it’s just a little frustrating because when I say there’s no one unattractive, I mean that every character so far has been very traditionally attractive. They’re all skinny and muscular with good teeth and perfect eyes and they’re all impeccably dressed (except for Ana, of course, although she’s not bad either). They’re all beautiful and sexy and gorgeous and stunning and they all look like angels from heaven.

Just once I’d like to see someone who’s maybe overweight. Or someone with freckles, or some scars somewhere, or frizzy hair or mismatched eyes, something non-traditional.

Everyone is beautiful in their own way. There isn’t just one way of being pretty. I’d like to see that represented, but I know that’s a lot to ask of a book that can’t even get a good grip on how to not make the main love interest seem like a serial killer.

So Christian’s Mom, who insists on being called Grace, seems very inviting and kind to Ana, which doesn’t surprise me. In the middle of talking, Ana’s phone rings, and she goes to answer it, expecting it to be Kate.

NOPE.

Instead it’s asshole-friend José! How delightful.

“Where are you? I’ve been trying to contact you. I need to see you, to apologize for my behavior on Friday. Why haven’t you returned my calls?”

are you fucking kidding me draw

Maybe she hasn’t returned your calls because you’re a giant pile of fucks and don’t deserve her attention?

Maybe she hasn’t returned your calls because you fucking TRIED TO ASSAULT HER WHILE SHE WAS INTOXICATED IN THE PARKING LOT OF A BAR, AND IF CHRISTIAN HADN’T SHOWN UP YOU PROBABLY WOULD HAVE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF HER?

IS THAT ENOUGH REASONS FOR HER TO NOT RETURN YOUR CALLS, JOSE?

No, probably not. You seem like such a classy gentlemen. I should have expected you to try and guilt-trip Ana the first chance you got.

He should have immediately started apologizing as soon as she picked up the phone, he should have said how he was so sorry and how he’d understand if she didn’t want to talk to him again, because that is WELL WITHIN HER RIGHTS.

But instead he’s going to play the victim card and act like Ana is a bitch for not returning his calls even though she has EVERY RIGHT to cut him out of her life.

NOT THAT I’M STILL MAD ABOUT THAT OR ANYTHING.

 

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