Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 11 [part 2]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs/images used in this post (or any other for that matter). If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

Damn, I thought it was the end of the contract, but apparently there are appendices.

KILL ME.

Except oh wait, these are things we’ve already seen.

SO GLAD WE DECIDED TO WASTE VALUABLE PAGES AND PAPER PRINTING THINGS THAT WE’VE ALREADY PRINTED.

THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE.

I do want to bring up one thing that I already talked about, because it is quite ridiculous.

  • “The Submissive will agree to any sexual activity deemed fit and pleasurable by the Dominant excepting those activities which are outlined in hard limits (Appendix 2). She will do so eagerly and without hesitation.”

Um. What.

This contract keeps going back and forth. It talks about consent, and then it says things like how the Submissive WILL agree to any sexual activity, which makes it sound like consent isn’t a thing. It talks about safe words and then it says that the Submissive has to participate in all things eagerly and without hesitation.

MAKE UP YOUR MIND.

This is why you can’t have a contract outlining your sexual escapades.

And now we have an appendix that we haven’t seen before, one called “Soft Limits,” which I guess are things to be discussed and agreed upon between both parties. These include:

  • Masturbation
  • Fellatio
  • Cunnilingus
  • Vaginal intercourse
  • Vaginal fisting [WHAT]
  • Anal intercourse
  • Anal fisting

Also discussed are things like:

  • Spitting or swallowing.
  • Sex toys
  • Bondage
  • Pain tolerance
  • Various kinds of pain/punishment (spanking, whipping, nipple clamps, hot wax, etc)

I mean, it’s all pretty straightforward, but the fisting…idk. I know some people are into fisting, and that’s totally cool if you are, but I personally am so far from okay with it that I just do not understand it at all. A whole hand in my vagina? No thanks.

My head is buzzing. How can I possibly agree to all this? And apparently it’s for my benefit, to explore my sensuality, my limits – safely – oh please! I scoff angrily.

YES. GOOD. YOU SHOULDN’T AGREE TO IT. IT’S RIDICULOUS.

And then we get a whole page which makes me very happy, where Ana seems very set on not agreeing to do this, because she doesn’t want to obey him in all things, and she’d never see her friends on the weekends which would be lame.

No, no I can’t do this. I put my head in my hands. This is no way to have a relationship.

tom hanks cry

I’M SO PROUD OF YOU!

And that’s the end of the book! Or maybe it should keep going and the rest can be about Ana being a strong, independent woman making her way through the publishing industry and kicking ass and taking names and not needing anyone to make her feel whole because she’s already whole and she doesn’t need anyone to make her happy!

Ugh. I wish. I wish that so hard.

I stare at myself in the bathroom mirror. You can’t seriously be considering this… My subconscious sounds sane and rational, not her usual snarky self. My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old. Please, let’s do this…otherwise we’ll end up alone with lots of cats and your classic novels to keep you company.

what the fuck kane

WHAT IS EVEN WRONG WITH ENDING UP WITH LOTS OF CATS.

IF CATS MAKE YOU HAPPY, HAVE CATS.

WHO GIVES A FUCK.

AND YOU SHOULDN’T AGREE TO DO SOMETHING YOU’RE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE SCARED TO END UP ALONE.

YOU DON’T NEED A MAN TO MAKE YOUR LIFE COMPLETE.  HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THAT.

FUCK. EVERYTHING.

So then Ana goes to bed and wakes up the next morning at 8 AM to a delivery man who’s brought her a fucking MacBook Pro, because she doesn’t have a computer (HOW THE FUCK DO YOU GET THROUGH COLLEGE WITHOUT A COMPUTER) and of course Mr. MoneyBags (aka Christian) decided to rectify that situation (he’s just all about rectifying situations, I suppose).

The guy teaches Ana how to use it, because apparently technology is completely alien to her (even though this is set in 2011 and how the fuck do you get through college not having a computer to type up papers on and not knowing how to use computers and not having an email address). Once the guy leaves, Ana checks her email and sees a message from Christian saying he looks forward to dinner on Wednesday.

They then email back and forth several times, all of which is boring and stupid and wastes a lot of page space.

At one point Ana says that she “does not want or need a computer,” which is just really fucking stupid, because if you’re applying for jobs and working in the publishing industry YOU DEFINITELY NEED ACCESS TO A COMPUTER.

Ughhhh this book exists in a fantasy land full of things that irritate me to no end.

 

One thought on “Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 11 [part 2]

  1. That Tom Hanks gif is killing me right now. Bwahaha.

    Also, you know how 50 Shades is supposed to be every sexually repressed housewife’s guilty pleasure? Your livetweet of this is totally my guilty pleasure. I feel like I’m stalking you by leaving a bunch of comments. But I don’t care. Because it’s awesome.

    Can’t wait for more!

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