Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 12 [part 2]

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“I felt that your e-mail warranted a reply in person,” he explains dryly.

THAT DOESN’T MAKE YOU ANY LESS OF A CREEPY FUCK.

“Are you biting your lower lip deliberately?” he asks darkly.
I blink up at him, gasping, freeing my lip.
“I wasn’t aware I was biting my lip,” I murmur softly.

sarcastic clapping

WOW THAT WAS SOME GREAT DIALOGUE.

IT WAS ALMOST LIKE REAL PEOPLE WERE TALKING.

SO CONVINCING AND REALISTIC. REAL PEOPLE TOTALLY TALK LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME.

God damn this book is awful.

“Well, I thought I should come and remind you how nice it was knowing me.”

Gross. We’re getting another sex scene. Gonna vomit.

His tongue is in my mouth, claiming and possessing me, and I revel in the force he uses.

Christian sounds like the worst kisser ever.

So then Christian pulls out the same grey tie he used to tie Ana up before, except this time he ties her wrists to the headboard with it, so she can’t move at all.

I hope to god they’ve closed the door. Poor Kate is going to hear some really gross sex noises pretty soon.

“I think you’ve seen too much,” he chuckles slyly. He sits astride me again, pulls my t-shirt up, and I think he’s going to take it off me, but he rolls it up to my neck and then pulls it up over my head so he can see my mouth and my nose, but it covers my eyes. And because it’s folded over- I cannot see a thing through it.

Wow. Blindfold. How kinky.

*sarcasm*

This is the book that’s been spicing up everyone’s sex life? Because no one had heard of blindfolds and tying people up before?

I guess reading this book gave people the courage to try things, which is pretty cool, but I really wish we lived in a culture where people could just explore their sexuality, their wants and needs, without fear of being judged and without the need for some excuse. People should be able to say “Hey, let’s try some light bondage,” and not have to say “I read about it in Fifty Shades of Grey” like it’s something you should feel guilty about and need an excuse for.

Ughh.

So then Christian decides to go get a drink and leave Ana there, which amps up the anticipation quite a bit.

I hear the ice clink against the glass, and he puts it down again and leans down and kisses me, pouring a delicious crisp liquid into my mouth as he does. It’s white wine. It’s so unexpected, hot, though it’s chilled, and Christian’s lips are cool.

WHY IS THERE ICE IN WINE.

Isn’t that a huge no-no? Or am I making that up. Ice would water down the wine…I don’t understand.

Also

Having someone spit wine into my mouth while I’m naked and blindfolded doesn’t sound like a fun time. But I guess to each his own?

And then Christian pours some wine into Ana’s…bellybutton? And if she spills the wine he’s going to punish her?

Why. Why is any of this happening.

And then he pushes the shirt up off Ana’s head so she can see. I missed that the first time I read this, I thought E.L. James just forgot her character was blindfolded, but I guess she’s not as awful at writing as previously imagined.

Then Christian flips Ana over, spanks her once, and then “plunges inside her,” and she just INSTANTLY ORGASMS.

IS THAT HOW ORGASMS WORK FOR ANYONE EVER.

ugh. Either E.L. James doesn’t understand how orgasms work for ladies, or she orgasms at literally the drop of a hat.

So then they start talking about the contract and all that bullshit after they get dressed, and Ana asks if Christian would collar her and he says no, and then he says that he was collared by the woman Ana is referring to as “Mrs. Robinson.”

Apparently Christian and Mrs. Robinson are still good friends and talk all the time, and Ana makes the very good point that it’s not fair that Christian has someone he can talk to about this relationship but Ana doesn’t, and Christian’s proposal to fix that is to tell Ana that he can introduce her to one of his former submissives, and she can talk to her about it.

OR MAYBE YOU COULD STOP BEING A DICK AND LET ANA TALK TO KATE ABOUT THE WHOLE THING.

whatever.

Christian then leaves, because he doesn’t sleep with anyone, and those two nights with Ana won’t happen again according to him.

[how much you want to bet it will].

 

[Christian is really stupid].

[this whole book is really stupid].

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