Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 15 [part 4]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs/images used in this post (or any other for that matter). If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

So Ana and Christian finally agree that the car is “on loan” to Ana. Christian keeps trying to say “indefinitely” but Ana says “no, for now.”

He grabs me suddenly and yanks me up against him, one hand at my back holding me to him and the other fisting in my hair.
“You are one challenging woman, Ana Steele.”

HOW WAS SHE BEING CHALLENGING.

She was VOICING HER OPINION.

I know you’re probably used to women just doing whatever you ask them to do, but for your information WE HAVE THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS AND THE RIGHT TO STAND UP FOR OURSELVES.

Christian just always expects women to do everything he says and that is so full of bullshit I can’t even deal with it.

“It’s taking all my self-control not to fuck you on the hood of this car right now, just to show you that you are mine, and if I want to buy you a fucking car, I’ll buy you a fucking car,” he growls. “Now let’s get you inside and naked.”

um.

What.

Just because you two sleep together doesn’t mean she belongs to you and that definitely doesn’t mean you’re allowed to do things, even nice things, that she’s not comfortable with.

Why is there so much bullshit in this book! How do people read this and find this romantic!

“Please don’t be angry with me,” I whisper.
His gaze is impassive; his gray eyes cold shards of smoky glass.
“I’m sorry about the car and the books,” I trail off. He remains silent and brooding. “You scare me when you’re angry,” I breathe, staring at him.

you just know he's gonna kill you

List of qualities to look for in a sexual partner:

  • doesn’t listen when you voice your opinion/discomfort in a situation
  • refers to you as property and implies that your opinion/feelings don’t matter
  • pouts whenever you disagree with him/her
  • threatens to have sex with you whether you want him/her to or not, just to prove some kind of point.
  • gets angry over stupid things, angry to the point of BEING FUCKING SCARY.

SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK.

HOW IS THIS THE MAN THAT WOMEN EVERYWHERE ARE SWOONING OVER.

HE IS A VICIOUS SOCIOPATH WHO USES SEX AS A WEAPON AND CAN’T HANDLE PEOPLE DISAGREEING WITH HIM.

HE IS ALSO A STALKER, QUITE POSSIBLY ABUSIVE, AND IS SO SELFISH AND NARCISSISTIC THAT I DON’T EVEN THINK HE COULD BE A REAL PERSON BECAUSE HE SEEMS TO HAVE NO REDEEMING QUALITIES OTHER THAN HIS SEXUAL PROWESS AND GIANT COCK.

tulio headdesk

so done right now.

And then after Ana tells him he’s scaring her, he doesn’t even apologize! He just takes a deep breath and tries to be less scary, which I guess is an improvement, but when someone says they’re scared of you, you should fucking APOLOGIZE, and then you should TALK TO THEM ABOUT WHY YOU’RE SCARING THEM AND WHAT YOU CAN DO TO STOP DOING THAT.

He probably likes that she’s scared of him. He’s probably got all kinds of boners for her fear.

Ugh.

He starts undressing her, and then starts playing with her boobs, and instantly Ana gets raging nipple-boners for him.

“mmm…” he murmurs into that space behind my ear as he starts to extend my nipples with his long fingers, mirroring my hands in his hair.

Ew. Stop it. Stop talking about him elongating your nipples. It is severely creeping me out.

Then he says she’s “displeased him” so maybe he “won’t let her come after all,” which is kind of a shitty thing to do, but I know some people are into the orgasm denial thing, so whatever.

His fingers hook into my panties at the back, stretching them, and he pushes his thumbs through the material, shredding them and tossing them in front of me so I can see…holy shit.

really amy poehler

 

HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK.

ARE YOUR PANTIES MADE OF RICE PAPER?

WHAT THE FUCK.

Then Christian tells Ana to undress him, except she has to leave his shirt on because she may need to touch him, and touching him is okay if he has clothes on? I don’t know. Whatever. So Ana pushes him onto the bed (that’s pretty brave, coming from meek little mouse girl) and she starts taking off his shoes and socks.

I crawl up the bed and sit astride him to undo his jeans, sliding my fingers under the waistband, feeling the hair in his oh-so-happy trail.

i wanna fucking murder you

AGAIN.

BEST SELLING NOVEL.

THEY ARE MAKING A MOVIE OF THIS EVENTUALLY.

AND IN THIS NOVEL THERE IS THE PHRASE “OH-SO-HAPPY TRAIL.”

I DON’T EVEN…

WHAT.

WHAT AM I EVEN READING.

WHO SAID ANY OF THIS WAS OKAY.

Ugh and then she starts blowing him because she’s the God of Blow Jobs, but then he makes her stop because he doesn’t want to cum yet. And then they decide to have sex with her on top, which is cool, it’s nice to see them having sex in a position that requires Ana to be in control.

And then they both magically orgasm at the same time, like they always do, even though that’s pretty unrealistic in my experience (and in just about everyone else’s experience too).

And that’s the end.

Except they still have another condom, so they’ll probably have sex again in the next chapter, 5 minutes later, because that’s realistic too.

-End of Chapter Fifteen-

Ugh. So many infuriating things in this chapter.

See you wednesday!

 

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