Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 16 [part 1]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs/images used in this post (or any other for that matter). If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

Sorry for dropping the ball yesterday! I thought I’d have time to get chapter 16 up for y’all before the game started, but I got home later than I thought and I just didn’t have time. It’s the Stanley Cup, y’all, probably the most exciting sports championship ever. You should watch it!

Anyway.

RECAP: So Christian comes over and brings a bottle of champagne so they can discuss the contract some more. They get into kind of a fight because Christian keeps buying Ana all this expensive shit and it makes Ana uncomfortable, and when she voices these feelings Christian basically tells her she’s being silly, and she should just accept the gifts because it makes HIM happy, because everything Christian does is only for his pleasure and no one else’s feelings ever cross his mind. They start discussing the contract and soft/hard limits, and Ana says she doesn’t want to get fisted or have anal sex, to which Christian replies “I’ll agree to the fisting, but I’d really like to claim your ass,” which is probably the grossest thing I’ve ever heard. He also says he’ll need to “train” her ass. What the actual fuck. Whatever.

They discuss the punishment/pain stuff, which Ana is nervous about, and she asks if he has to do it and he says yes, which is stupid because no one is forcing him to hit the women he sleeps with but I guess he can’t get boners without it or something. Christian agrees to try to be more romantic and actually date Ana, which is nice I guess, although I still think he’s a pile of scum. Oh, and Christian buys Ana a car. A pretty expensive, brand new car. Without asking her if that’s okay or if that’s the car she wants or anything. When Ana is made uncomfortable by this gift, Christian gets really mad for no reason, and Ana even tells him that he scares her when he’s angry (WOW WHAT A GREAT RELATIONSHIP). They have sex, it’s gross, Ana refers to Christian’s “happy trail” as his “Oh-so-happy trail,” which is repulsive and disgusting, and then they magically orgasm at the same time, like always.

Ugh, last chapter was stupid.

I bet this chapter will be too!

-Chapter Sixteen-

After yet another mindblowing orgasm which apparently put her into a coma, Ana awakens and smells Christian and it’s really great because apparently there is nothing unattractive or unappetizing about the man.

She touches his chest over the t-shirt he’s still wearing, but that bothers him so he grabs her hand to stop her.

“Why don’t you like to be touched?” I whisper, staring up into soft gray eyes.
“Because I’m fifty shades of fucked up, Anastasia.”

I see what you did there

HE DID IT GUYS!

HE SAID THE THING!

“I had a very tough introduction to life. I don’t want to burden you with the details. Just don’t.”

i don't care

I know I’m supposed to care, but…I don’t. Whoops.

Having a hard childhood doesn’t give you a free pass to be a douche-nozzle, Christian. Go see a doctor and sort out your problems.

And then they exchange some flirty banter, which isn’t really that flirty or cute or interesting at all.

Also, there’s this thing that Christian says that I don’t know where it comes from or why it’s there or what it has to do with anything but I’m 90% sure it’s bullshit. Here, look:

[Also, just in case you forgot, while they had sex, Christian told Ana to undress him and then had her be on top for the sex, which was sort of like her controlling him except not really. Just for some context.]

“If you imagine for one minute that I think you ceded control to me, well you haven’t taken into account my GPA.” I smile shyly at him. “But thank you for the illusion.”
“Miss Steele, you are not just a pretty face. You’ve had six orgasms so far and all of them belong to me,” he boasts, playful again.

I don’t…what. What just happened.

Ana: lol *playful banter* I’m not stupid, I know you didn’t actually let me have control
Christian: lolol you’re really smoking hot but you’re WAY more than that! You’ve also had 6 orgasms in your life and they’re all MINE! *maniacal laughter*

Like, am I missing something? Or did Christian tell Ana that not only does she have a pretty face, she also has the ability to orgasm for him?

I don’t understand at all.

Except then Ana guiltily explains that she had an orgasm in her sleep after having a sexy dream about him with a riding crop. Surprisingly, he doesn’t get mad at her for having an orgasm without his consent. Although he does start to get mad at her when she’s too embarrassed to tell him what the dream was about. He gets mad at her for the stupidest shit. How is this relationship even slightly okay.

Then Christian starts to leave, and Ana is all OMG NO.

“When is your period due?” He interrupts my thoughts.
What?!
“I hate wearing these things,” he grumbles. He holds up the condom, then puts it on the floor, and slips on his jeans.
[…]
“Next week.” I stare down at my hands.
“You need to sort out some contraception.”

shut this the fuck down

TIME

THE FUCK

OUT.

EXCUSE ME.

WHAT THE FUCK.

Alright, listen, I get it. Sex feels better without condoms. For both parties, usually, but definitely for the guy. Some condoms are better than others, but it’s a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good dick would prefer not to wear condoms.

[if you catch what I’m referencing there, I love you]

But…the thing is…while condoms are often uncomfortable or inconvenient, demanding that your partner to either:

A: take a pill which fucks with her hormones

B: get a shot or have something inserted into her arm which ALSO fucks with her hormones OR

C: shove something up in her vagina (fun fact: this also fucks with her hormones)

all because you are too lazy or self-centered to deal with wearing condoms….that’s just really, really shitty.

This should be a DISCUSSION. Here’s how it could have gone:

Christian: I don’t really like wearing condoms, would you be willing to talk about alternate methods of birth control? I don’t want to pressure you into doing something simply  because my dick feels a little slimy and uncomfortable now, because that would be completely ridiculous and would make me an asshole.
Ana: I’ve never taken birth control or any other contraception, and in fact I’m not even sure what’s out there or what the risks might be. I’ll talk to my doctor about the pros and cons and then you and I can discuss this.
Christian: If you want, we could start researching things together right now. The burden to prevent babies isn’t all on you; we’re in this together, and we should both understand the benefits and risks of all the available options so we can decide what is best for the both of us.

See? Is that so hard?

It isn’t the woman’s job to make sure no babies happen. It’s the COUPLE’S job to discuss it and decide what would be best for them.

I just think it’s 110% ridiculous that Christian is slightly uncomfortable wearing condoms, so he’s going to make Ana take contraception that has a lot of REALLY SCARY RISKS. LIKE BLOOD CLOTS. WHICH CAN KILL YOU. UNLIKE CONDOMS.

I shouldn’t have expected anything different. Christian is just being the same old controlling asshole that he always is. Big surprise.

2 thoughts on “Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 16 [part 1]

  1. Pride and prejudice lol… Although the only version I’ve read is Pride and Prejudice and Zombies… Wonder if there’ll be a horror parody version of 50Sog too, where Grey is actually a serial killer. That would be great. Then Ana can come back to life as a hag and kill her boyfriend too.

  2. Almost spat milk out my nose. And I’m not even drinking milk, so I don’t even know what that means.

    “It’s a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good dick would prefer not to wear condoms.”

    So awesome.

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