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THE BLACKHAWKS WON THE STANLEY CUP.
STILL NOT OVER IT.
Also we lost power Monday night (which was a nightmare) but it came back on around 2:30 AM today, which is pretty neat, because that means I can post some more liveblogs!
Alright, let’s do this.
RECAP: Ana and Christian send a bunch of weird emails back and forth, because apparently they can’t communicate like normal human beings and instead can only honestly communicate through emails. Ana says she felt uncomfortable when Christian spanked her, and Christian basically tells her to suck it up for him because he likes it and she should just get over her feelings on the matter. Christian also tries to make Ana think that she enjoyed the spanking because she didn’t try to stop him, which is the biggest pile of bullshit ever. Christian makes some more creepy rape-ish comments. Christian buys Ana a Blackberry cell phone so they can email on the go (instead of…I don’t know…TALKING ON THE PHONE?!). Christian is all overbearing and weird because Ana went out without telling him (although she did go out with José alone without telling Christian which is pretty shady and not okay). Ana and Kate move into their new apartment in Seattle, and then the next day Ana goes to visit Christian’s apartment, where Christian has called a Gynecologist to come meet her, all because Christian just can’t stand wearing condoms (and it’s all about him).
Here we go.
Dr. Greene is tall, blonde, and immaculate, dressed in a royal blue suit. I’m reminded of the women who work in Christian’s office. She’s like an identikit model – another Stepford blonde.
WHY IS EVERY WOMAN WHO ISN’T ANA A FUCKING BLONDE IN THIS BOOK.
So Dr. Greene makes Christian leave the room, and then examines Ana and they discuss birth control. She decides to go with the mini pill, which I’m assuming is just the normal BC pill that you take every day at the same time.
$20 says Ana forgets to take the pill sometime in the next week.
They leave the room and go find Christian again, and he asks if they’re done.
“Yes, Mr. Grey. Look after her; she’s a beautiful, bright young woman.”
Um…Dr. Greene, you looked at her vagina for like 10 minutes, and discussed birth control with her.
How does that make you qualified to call her “bright?”
Ana doesn’t need Christian to “look after her.” She’s a 22 year old woman who just graduated college and already has 2 interviews for full-time paid internships. I think she can handle herself.
Ana and Christian do some weird flirty things and joke around and it’s so bafflingly out of character that I mostly just felt uncomfortable. There’s a HUGE problem with character consistency in this book. Christian Grey is usually a weird robot-man with zero emotions and a dick the size of the moon. He doesn’t do “jokes.” He doesn’t smirk. He doesn’t say “gotcha!” and then grab Ana and pull her into a hug. If he has an actual problem with physical contact, so much so that he can’t bear to have her touch his chest, why is he suddenly all touchy-feely?
Nothing about anyone in this book makes any sense. Hurray.
They go into the kitchen to eat, because Christian is all weird about food (of course).
Christian asks Ana about the birth control, and seems doubtful that Ana will remember to take the pill every day. He even says he’ll put an alarm on his calendar in his phone to remind him to remind her.
JUST USE CONDOMS, JESUS.
Whatever. Everything Christian does pisses me off, even if he’s got good reason to doubt Ana (because Ana is an idiot 95% of the time).
And apparently these two can’t eat a goddamned salad without wanting to fuck each other, so here we go, we get another awful sex scene.
“Are you going to hit me?”
“Yes, but it won’t be to hurt you. I don’t want to punish you right now. If you’d caught me yesterday evening, well, that would have been a different story.”
Holy cow. He wants to hurt me…how do I deal with this?
YOU DEAL WITH IT BY RUNNING AWAY BECAUSE HE’S GOING TO MURDER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP.
They go into Christian’s creepy murder-room, the one with all the whips and shit everywhere, the one that’s literally covered in red leather.
“When you’re in here, you are completely mine,” he breathes, each word slow and measured. “To do with as I see fit. Do you understand?”
Here we go. I can almost smell the murder waiting to happen.
Christian undresses Ana and makes her call him “Sir” and makes her kneel by the door in just her underwear for some reason? I mean, whatever floats your boat, I suppose.
And then while she’s kneeling by the door he just…leaves? For like ten minutes?
Oh he just came back. He had to change pants. For…reasons.
[probably so he can murder her and not worry about getting blood on his nice pants]
Then he chains her wrists and hits her palm with a riding crop (brown leather, just like the one from the weird sexy dream she had a few days ago).
I’m entrusting myself to a beautiful man who, by his own admission, is fifty shades of fucked up. I suppress the brief thrill of fear. Kate and Elliot, they know I’m here.
YOU DO REALIZE THAT’S NOT A NORMAL REACTION TO HAVE…RIGHT?
YOU SHOULDN’T BE THIS SCARED OF THE MAN YOU’RE ENTERING INTO A BDSM RELATIONSHIP WITH.
YOU SHOULD TRUST HIM WITH YOUR LIFE, NOT BE WORRIED HE’S GOING TO MURDER YOU.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.