Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 18 [part 2]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs/images used in this post (or any other for that matter). If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

After chaining up Ana’s wrists (they’re attached to some kind of grid on the ceiling? I’m not really sure. It all sounds very complicated and very serial-killer-esque) Christian finally gets around to pulling off Ana’s underwear. After taking them off, he smells them, which I personally find weird, but hey, if that’s what you like, that’s what you like.

He then hits Ana with the riding crop “against [her] sex” (Ana still can’t bring herself to refer to cheryl her vagina by name, like she’s scared of it) and Ana practically orgasms right there. He keeps doing this and it feels amazing and whatever.

God this sex scene is so boring. I’ve read better porn for free on the internet, probably written by 13 year olds.

Christian wipes the riding crop around Ana’s vagina and then makes her suck it. Nothing really interesting happens. Then Christian kisses her.

“Oh, Anastasia, you taste mighty fine,” he breathes.

blinking

Who says that? “Mighty fine?” In the middle of kinky sexy times? Really?

Then Christian hits Ana with the riding crop on her clitoris (she has no problem saying that word) until she orgasms, because she literally orgasms at the drop of a hat.

I hope you all realize that that is pretty rare and unusual. If you’re like that, good for you! However, if you’re like the other 99% of women, don’t feel bad. You’re perfectly normal. Don’t beat yourself up because it’s difficult for you to orgasm, or because you don’t orgasm quickly or whatever.

I just feel like this book sets up a lot of unrealistic expectations for both women and men. It makes women feel unnatural if they don’t orgasm this easily, but it also makes them put a lot of unneeded pressure on men because they think that if the man was as good as Christian Grey, they’d orgasm easier.

I don’t know. I just hate the expectations for both genders that are happening in this book. Also it’s just not very well written and it’s annoying and frustrating and almost everything in it is dumb.

Anyway, back to the weird, boring sex scene.

…except the sex scene is already done?

After she cums (or comes or however you want to spell that) Christian has sex with her and then 2 seconds later they both cum/come together as they always do because they live in a magical fairyland where orgasms happen whenever you want them to.

Then they start cuddling on the floor and Christian asks Ana if she had a good time and she says yes and that she’d do that again, but apparently Christian isn’t done with her yet?

Will he let me sleep, perchance to dream?

urge to kill rising

Are you serious.

Did you just really quote Shakespeare in this awful book.

ALSO THAT QUOTE IS ABOUT SUICIDE, YOU GIANT PILE OF HORRIBLE FUCKS.

HAMLET IS DEBATING SUICIDE.

“To sleep! perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil…”

HE’S CONSIDERING KILLING HIMSELF. STOP CHEAPENING BEAUTIFUL QUOTES FROM BRILLIANT AUTHORS BY USING THEM IN YOUR AWFUL PIECE OF SHIT NOVEL.

STOP.

IT.

RIGHT.

NOW.

So then Ana nuzzles Christian’s chest, which is a no-no zone, and he tells her to stop.

I flush and look back at his chest in longing. I want to run my tongue through the hair, kiss him, and for the first time, I notice he has a few random and faint small, round scars dotted around his chest. Chicken pox? Measles? I think absently.

Alright so Christian was probably abused as a small child. That’s really awful and I feel bad for him, but that doesn’t give him an excuse to be a sexist, condescending, controlling, stalkerish piece of shit.

He then tells Ana to go kneel by the door again. Oh goodie.

While she’s kneeling there, she starts to fall asleep a little bit? But then he wakes her up. And then he binds her wrists together with cable ties, which that sounds kind of painful, but he has a pair of scissors nearby so he can cut them off of her at any time.

…or maybe the scissors are for murdering.

They start having sex and they both orgasm again even though they LITERALLY JUST DID THAT 5 MINUTES AGO.

Pretty sure it takes dudes a little longer than that to get it back up?

But oh, I forgot, Christian isn’t a man, he’s a fucking sex god. Jesus.

Then Christian puts Ana to bed like she’s a 3 year old, tucks her in, and kisses her goodnight.

-End of Chapter Eighteen-

Why are all the sex scenes so boring! They’re not sexy, and they’re not even bad enough to hold my interest. It’s just…boring. Nothing interesting or unusual, really. But then I guess that’s okay, since this book’s target audience is people who don’t read/watch much porn.

Ugh I just want Ana and Christian to break up.

And then I want Ana to go make out with Kate.

And then they can get married and be perfect together forever.

Too bad that’ll never happen. Maybe I should just rewrite this book.

See you guys on Friday!

 

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