Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 23 [part 3]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs/images used in this post (or any other for that matter). If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

Ana goes up to Christian’s hotel room and finds him on the phone. While he talks about business shit, Ana takes the opportunity to describe the interior decoration for the billionth time, even though the interior decoration doesn’t matter and really had no effect on the story whatsoever, and the story could take place in a cardboard box and it wouldn’t make a difference, so really this is just a waste of page space, but whatever.

Ana asks if Christian loved Mrs. Robinson, and he says he didn’t.

i don't care

But apparently Ana does.

They then immediately begin being flirty and teasing each other, and GUESS WHAT it leads to them getting ready to have sex, because that’s ALL THEY EVER DO.

FUN FACT: YOU CAN’T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP BASED SOLELY ON SEX. YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO COMMUNICATE YOUR FEELINGS AND HAVE CONVERSATIONS AND FUCKING TALK TO EACH OTHER.

I hate both of them so much, you have no idea.

“We should talk,” I whisper.
“Later.”
“There’s so much I want to say.”
“Me, too.”

SO THEN STOP KISSING AND DISCUSS SHIT, YOU GIANT SACKS OF HORSE MANURE.

“Are you bleeding?” He continues to kiss me.

tgs puke gif

I have never felt more like vomiting.

“Are you bleeding?” Jesus christ. Just ask if she’s on her period, weirdo.

They go into the bathroom and Christian tells Ana to put her hair up.

“I’m going to have you in the bathroom, Anastasia.”

nope misha

NO

THANK

YOU.

Alright I know this is my own personal bias. I know it’s natural and whatever, and sex while on your period is nice because it helps with cramps and there’s more…lubrication, so that’s easier. I just personally think period blood is gross, and I don’t want it to be on me, let alone on anyone else, and the whole idea weirds me out a whole lot.

That being said, if you like having sex on your period, good for you! That’s perfectly fine and you shouldn’t not do that just because some random person who writes stuff on the internet thinks its gross.

He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string – what?! – and gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet.

my eyes my eyes

nope train

gross pirates

SERIOUSLY.

SERIOUSLY. ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.

IS THAT A THING THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

HE PULLED ON HER TAMPON STRING LIKE IT WAS A GODDAMNED PARTY FAVOR.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

OH GOD I NEED TO GO THROW BLEACH IN MY EYEBALLS.

Also, fun fact, you shouldn’t throw tampons in the toilet because it can fuck up the whole sewage/plumbing system and it’s real bad.

So good job, Christian, you don’t know shit about tampons.

And then they have sex and they both cum at the same time. Whoop di doo.

They start cuddling (while Ana is still period-ing all over this bathroom, which is probably completely white, as most hotel bathrooms seem to be) and then they decide to take a bath.

Ana notices a bunch of scars on Christian’s chest, which I think she may have mentioned before. We know they’re not chicken pox because of what Christian’s adoptive mother, Grace, said, and Ana thinks they’re cigarette burns, but she doesn’t know who they might be from.

Ana asks if Mrs. Robinson did that to him, and Christian says she didn’t, that she wasn’t a monster.

“I just wonder what you would be like if you hadn’t met her. If she hadn’t introduced you to your…um, lifestyle.”

He’d probably be exactly the same, Ana. People who are into BDSM aren’t into it because they had bad childhoods, or because they were “seduced” (or molested) while teenagers. Sometimes that might be the case, but that’s definitely not true for most people. Sometimes people just enjoy BDSM, they enjoy the control or being in control, maybe they enjoy the pain aspect, maybe they enjoy the role playing or any number of other aspects of it.

Being in a BDSM relationship or enjoying the BDSM lifestyle isn’t always some kind of symptom of mental trauma. Sometimes (in fact, most times) it just happens. People are they way they are. You either accept that or you don’t.

“I would probably have gone the way of my birth mother, had it not been for Mrs. Robinson.”
Oh! I blink at him. Crack addict or whore? Possibly both?
“She loved me in a way I found…acceptable,” he adds with a shrug.

Ummmm just because your mother was a crack whore doesn’t mean you’re destined to become a crack addict or a whore. In fact you were adopted by a rich family, why would you resort to being a whore? Drugs, maybe, but I doubt Grace would have let that happen.

But apparently being molested at the age of 15 by a 40+ year old woman is the cure to mental problems! QUICK CALL UP THE PSYCHIATRISTS. WE NEED TO PATENT THIS TREATMENT ASAP.

“She distracted me from the destructive path I found myself following. It’s very hard to grow up in a perfect family when you’re not perfect.”

No one is perfect.

Also that sounds like typical teenage angst. I felt literally the exact same way when I was 15, and I turned out just fine, without being seduced and molested by a 40+ year old woman, sooo… I don’t know that I’d call that a “path of destruction” but I guess there are probably things we don’t know.

They start discussing Mrs. Robinson again, and Christian tells Ana that he discusses pretty much everything with Mrs. R, including Ana herself, because Christian needs advice, I guess.

That’s…a little weird. I don’t know. This friendship is getting weirder and weirder the more I hear about it.

They then start discussing how Ana feels about their agreement. Ana tells him she probably wouldn’t be able to be his submissive for a whole weekend, and he agrees, because she’s really only good at being submissive during sexy times, I can’t imagine her being good at it any other time.

“Why do you need to control me?”
“Because it satisfies a need in me that wasn’t met in my formative years.”

Ummm………what? Is that really a need that all people have when they’re kids? The need to control people? I don’t understand.

And then their conversation devolves into playful flirty bullshit and then it’s back to sexy times because that’s all they ever fucking do. Jesus H. Christ.

“We’re wet and slippery and moving against each other.”

Oh for the love of god. That’s disgusting and it’s just a bad line. Eugh. Vomit.

And then it cuts to the two of them laying in bed staring at each other. They start (sort of) having an actual conversation about favorite movies and stuff, but it all goes back to playful flirty bullshit in the end. Thankfully, this time their flirty bullshit ends in sleep, not sex.

-End of Chapter Twenty-Three-

IT’S OVER.

That was a long one. Took me an hour and a half to liveblog the whole thing.

Get ready for Chapter 24 on Wednesday! I’m sure it will be…interesting.

 

 

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