Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 24 [part 2]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs/images used in this post (or any other for that matter). If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

They continue gliding, and it sounds like a horrifying nightmare, but I don’t like roller coasters or airplanes or falling, so I don’t think gliding is really my thing anyway.

There’s a joystick in front of Ana, which Christian tells her to grab onto (hurr hurr, dick symbolism), and suddenly Ana is flying the glider, which sounds like a HORRIBLE idea, considering how “clumsy” she’s supposed to be. Also she’s not very bright so I wouldn’t be surprised if she crashed the glider right now.

[please crash. please crash. please crash.]

They land, which sounds terrifying and bumpy and dangerous, but they survive. Once out of the glider, Christian begins making out with Ana, and he gets a huge boner in the middle of the field they’re in. How…romantic.

They leave the glider in the middle of the field, and Christian says “Someone will take care of that,” because he’s a rich bastard so he doesn’t have to worry about taking care of anything himself. They then get in the car to go have breakfast.

….they end up at an IHOP.

Is this supposed to make me feel like Christian is less of a rich bastard? Because it doesn’t. Also I hate IHOP. Go find an adorable hometown diner, you mainstream asshole.

[no offense if you don’t like IHOP. The food there just never…um…agrees with my digestive system.]

[also mom-and-pop diners have way better food and you’re supporting local businesses instead of huge corporations so it’s just better for everyone involved.]

Oh jesus christ. They start having sexy thoughts in the IHOP.

“I know what I want,” he breathes, his voice low and husky.
I glance up at him, and he’s staring at me in that way that tightens all the muscles in my belly and takes my breath away, his eyes dark and smoldering. Holy shit. I gaze at him, my blood singing in my veins answering his call.

boner alert

“I want what you want,” I whisper.
He inhales sharply.
“Here?” he asks suggestively, raising an eyebrow at me, smiling wickedly, his teeth trapping the tip of his tongue.

Um…

Okay, let’s try an experiment.

The experiment is simple. All you have to do is bite the tip of your tongue and try to say “Here.” That’s it. That’s the experiment.

If you sound anything less than completely ridiculous, you are doing it wrong.

See, the way that sentence is structured makes it so that all of those things are happening at the same time. He says “here” suggestively (somehow), while at the same time raising an eyebrow, smiling wickedly, and biting the tip of his tongue.

The correct way of saying that (since it’s literally impossible to say “here” suggestively, or really anything suggestively, while biting the tip of your tongue) is: “Here?” he asks suggestively. He raises his eyebrow, smiling wickedly, the tip of his tongue poking out from between his teeth.

That just sounds better. I changed it, I know, but I couldn’t just leave the “trapped between his teeth” thing because it sounds ridiculous.

Adding that period separates the actions so they aren’t all happening at the same time.

Maybe I’m being too hard on good ol’ E. L. James, but first of all, she should know better than that if she’s going to be publishing best-selling novels, and second of all…there is no second of all. Learn to write. Grammar is your friend.

Anyway, Ana starts biting her lip and having sexy thoughts about sex in the IHOP, because really there is no more romantic place, but Christian gets mad at her for biting her lip and tells her they can’t have sex now. I’m not going to lie, I’m a little bummed.

They discuss their relationship a little bit, and Christian says he’s okay with Ana being submissive in the “playroom” (creepy murder room) and being able to punish her whenever she misbehaves or whatever, but that will be the extent of their Dom/Sub relationship. Ana will sleep in his bed and be his girlfriend and all that stuff, which is a nice compromise and maybe this relationship will sort of work.

Maybe.

“Can I treat you?” I ask Christian.
“Treat me how?”
“Pay for this meal.”
Christian snorts.”
“I don’t think so,” he scoffs.
“Please. I want to.”
He frowns at me.
“Are you trying to completely emasculate me?”

angry stepmom

EXCUSE ME.

WHAT.

Hold on, the giant feminism monster in my heart just vomited fire.

This is so sexist I don’t even know how to proceed.

Jesus, where do I even start with that?

Having your lady-friend pay for a meal does not “emasculate” you.

“BUT WOMAN NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE MONEY. MONEY IS MAN-THING. WOMAN HAVING MONEY MAKE MEN SAD.”

That is what I’m hearing out of Christian Grey’s mouth right now.

“Oh he’s so romantic and dreamy and he’s just the perfect guy!”

No he’s not. He’s a sexist piece of shit.

IMPORTANT NOTE: I am not saying that it is sexist for a man to pay for a meal.

I AM saying that it is sexist for a man to be REQUIRED to pay for the meal by the laws of chivalry or whatever bullshit you want to call it.

If a woman offers to pay for the meal, either let her pay for the meal, or, if you’re not comfortable with that, offer to pay for half of it.

Having a woman pay for the meal does not “emasculate” anyone. Paying for food isn’t a “masculine” thing, it’s a goddamned human thing because EVERYONE DOES IT AND HAS BEEN DOING IT FOR CENTURIES SO SUCK MY DICK.

I’m so mad right now.

If she wants to pay for the meal, let her pay for the goddamned meal. It’s not a threat to your masculinity, your dick isn’t going to shrink because a person with a vagina is paying for your food.

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