Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Prologue

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

From Amazon.com:

Daunted by the singular tastes and dark secrets of the beautiful, tormented young entrepreneur Christian Grey, Anastasia Steele has broken off their relationship to start a new career with a Seattle publishing house.

But desire for Christian still dominates her every waking thought, and when he proposes a new arrangement, Anastasia cannot resist. They rekindle their searing sensual affair, and Anastasia learns more about the harrowing past of her damaged, driven and demanding Fifty Shades.

While Christian wrestles with his inner demons, Anastasia must confront the anger and envy of the women who came before her, and make the most important decision of her life.

This book is intended for mature audiences.

WOAH SPOILER ALERT.

WHO KNEW ANA AND CHRISTIAN WERE GOING TO GET BACK TOGETHER.

GEE, THANKS AMAZON FOR RUINING THE WHOLE BOOK FOR ME.

Just kidding, I’m sure it will be just as horrifying as I imagined, even if I do know that they get back together (which they shouldn’t. they really, really shouldn’t).

Also lol, nice use of verbs. I’m sure whoever wrote that was probably paid double if they could find a way to slip the word “Dominate” in there.

This book is intended for mature audiences? Really? I somehow doubt that. I’m pretty sure this book is intended for middle aged women who still think like 13 year olds, since it’s BASED ON A BOOK FOR 13 YEAR OLDS.

There should be a big sticker on the cover of every copy of these books that says “THIS IS TWILIGHT FANFICTION. BAD TWILIGHT FANFICTION.”

Anyway, this book starts with a prologue, so that’s where we’ll dive in today.

I’ll do a brief recap of the ending of Fifty Shades of Grey, in case you’ve forgotten what happened on Monday.

RECAP: Ana gets back from Georgia and spends the night with Christian. They bone at least 4 times. Ana wakes up the next day around 5 AM because of the time difference between Seattle and Georgia. She goes and finds Christian playing the piano and being angsty, because that’s what he does. They start talking about their relationship, and Ana does something wrong, rolls her eyes or something, I don’t know, I’m too lazy to look. Christian starts playfully chasing Ana and then they talk about the punishment aspect of the relationship some more and Ana decides that she wants to know how bad it can get. So Christian agrees to show her how extreme he’ll go, and he takes her into the playroom and beats her with a leather belt. Ana does nothing to stop him, doesn’t say “no,” doesn’t use any of the safe words, she just starts crying. She then stands up and tells him he’s “fucked up” (I could have told you that, sweetheart), and runs out of the room and sobs in her bedroom. She decides to break up with him, even though this is a PERFECTLY FIXABLE PROBLEM, and Christian could just, you know, NOT BEAT HER, because clearly he’s done a good job of restraining himself because if you can’t control your urge to beat your girlfriend there’s a special vacation resort for you to visit that’s called PRISON, YOU ABUSIVE ASSHOLE. Anyway. They break up. Lots of feelings ensue. Ana gives back her phone, computer, and car keys. Taylor drives her home. She sobs in her own bedroom, and that’s the end of that.

I know I said that would be brief, but I’m still so mad about how that book ended.

Either one of them could have prevented that break up. Ana could have stopped Christian (or just not asked him to HIT HER AS HARD AS HE COULD BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO KNOW HOW BAD IT COULD GET) OR, even more logically, CHRISTIAN COULD HAVE JUST NOT HIT HER WITH A BELT.

PERFECTLY AVOIDABLE SITUATION.

Anyway.

Here we go!

-Prologue-

He’s come back. Mommy’s asleep or she’s sick again.
I hide and curl up small under the table in the kitchen. Through my fingers I can see Mommy. She is asleep on the couch. Her hand is on the sticky green rug, and he’s wearing his big boots with the shiny buckle and standing over Mommy shouting.

Oh for the love of god. Kill me. One paragraph in. The writing is supposed to be all childlike and I can’t even make it one paragraph without wanting to scream. I hate that gimmick. I just…

drinking sad

The book opens with a delightfully “sinister” (that’s in quotes because I think that’s the mood E.L. James was going for, though she didn’t do a good job of capturing it) dream had by “Christian,” who is never mentioned by name but it’s obviously him (E.L. James probably thought she did a good job of being all cryptic and shit), and he is reliving some of the nightmare that is his past with his crackwhore mother before he was adopted.

Right off the bat, I’m going to call shenanigans on the ages here. He was adopted when he was 4 years old… ADOPTED, not taken from his birth mother. I can only assume that he had to spend some time in a foster home before being adopted, since adoptions take awhile. So let’s say he was like 2 and a half, mayybeee 3 years old when his birth mother died. Do people really have detailed memories of things that happened when they were that young? I mean, I don’t, but I never had anything traumatic happen to me. It seems like shenanigans, but I could very well be wrong on that.

How did a woman in that situation even raise a child for 2-3 years? How was he not born with horrible health complications?

I’m guessing this book is going to try and explain to us why Christian is so fucked up. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t interested to learn about his past. To be honest, I’m more interested in him than I am in stupid Anastasia Steele. I mean, I hate Christian with a burning passion because he’s a giant piece of shit, but at least he’s an interesting piece of shit.

He hits Mommy with a belt. Get up! Get up! You are one fucked-up bitch. You are one fucked-up bitch. You are one fucked-up bitch. You are one fucked-up bitch. You are one fucked-up bitch. You are one fucked-up bitch.

Six times.

SIX TIMES.

HE HAS TO REPEAT IT SIX. GODDAMNED TIMES.

jack black stop

Is that really necessary? Really.

I know I shouldn’t laugh at such a traumatic thing (basically Christian’s birth mother’s boyfriend beat him and his mother and burnt him with cigarettes, at least that’s my assumption), but it’s just…the writing is so awful.

Surely we didn’t need to read those words in italics 6 times. Maybe 3 times. MAYBE. But SIX TIMES?

Unless 6 is some weird repeated number? Since he did beat Ana with a belt 6 times at the end of the last book…

But then shouldn’t it be 6 Shades of Grey and 6 Shades Darker…which would make more sense than the stupid title now.

He turns and I can see his boots as he stomps into the kitchen. He still has the belt. He is trying to find me.
He stoops down and grins. He smells nasty. Of cigarettes and drink. There you are, you little shit.

Would 2-3 year old Christian really be able to recognize the smell of cigarettes and alcohol? This all just seems very far fetched and ridiculous.

A chilling wail wakes him. Christ! He’s drenched in sweat and his heart is pounding. What the fuck? He sits bolt upright in bed and puts his head in hands. Fuck. They’re back. The noise was me. He takes a deep steadying breath, trying to rid his mind and nostrils of the smell of cheap bourbon and stale Camel cigarettes.

Okay now for real. How the hell would he be able to remember the specific brand of the cigarettes and the kind of alcohol his mom’s boyfriend smoked/drank. Is that a thing that’s even possible? Because it sounds completely preposterous, and either I’m ignorant or E.L. James is stupid, or potentially both.

-End of the Prologue-

That’s how the prologue ends.

That’s it.

Done.

WELP.

We’re off to a wonderful start already.

Chapter 1 on Friday!

It feels like these books will never end. Ugh.

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