Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 1 [Part 1]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

RECAP: Alright, so in the last chapter, the prologue, a “mysterious person” has a “mysterious dream” about being abused as a very small child. GEE. I WONDER WHO THAT COULD POSSIBLY BE. IT’S DEFINITELY NOT CHRISTIAN GREY. [spoiler alert: it’s Christian Grey.] So there’s really not much to recap there. But, in case you forgot, Ana and Christian broke up at the end of the last book because Ana asked Christian to beat her with a belt and then later decided she didn’t like it and got mad and cried a lot.

And so it begins…

-Chapter One-

I have survived Day Three Post-Christian, and my first day at work.

Living without Christian isn’t the goddamned apocalypse. What, do you want a cookie because you managed to keep breathing for 3 days without your boyfriend there to help you?

The time has flown by in a haze of new faces, work to do, and Mr. Jack Hyde. Mr. Jack Hyde… he smiles down at me, his blue eyes twinkling, as he leans against my desk.
“Excellent work, Ana. I think we’re going to make a great team.”
Somehow, I manage to curl my lips upward in a semblance of a smile.

“I manage to curl my lips upward”?

All I can think of:

jizz in my pants

If they end up making the 50 Shades of Grey books into movies, all I want is for Andy Samburg to play Anastasia Steele. Their initials are even the same! I should be in charge of casting, clearly I’m perfect at this.

Also, creepy boss, gee how original. How much you want to bet he’s going to have to fight Christian at some point in this book.

“I’ll be off, if that’s okay with you,” I murmur.

WHY DOESN’T ANYONE TALK AT FULL VOLUME EVER IN THESE GODDAMNED BOOKS.

USE

SOME

DIFFERENT

FUCKING

VERBS.

So Ana leaves work and continues moping. Gee, these first few chapters are going to be so fast-paced and interesting, I can already tell. They definitely won’t be filled with nothing but angst.

Out in the early evening air of Seattle, I take a deep breath. It doesn’t begin to fill the void in my chest, a void that’s been present since Saturday morning, a painful hollow reminder of my loss.

Getty Creative

YOUR “LOSS” IS YOUR OWN GODDAMNED FAULT.

How come you can “man-up” and take a beating from Christian because it’s what he “needs,” but you can’t “man-up” and STOP BEING A SELF-PITYING ASSHOLE AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE.

Also, screw the phrase “man-up.” Ana, you need to woman-up and stop letting Christian control your life. You’ve got a kick-ass life. You got a full-time job right out of college (WITH A FUCKING ENGLISH DEGREE. HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN…oh right, it doesn’t), you live in a huge apartment in the middle of fucking Seattle, with three bedrooms and a ton of living space and you don’t have to pay rent on any of it! I’d say your life is PRETTY DAMN AWESOME, with or without Christian.

Ana goes home to her super fucking awesome apartment, which is currently empty, because Kate is on vacation in Barbados, and Ana doesn’t have any other friends. Literally. No one else. She went to college for 4 years and has a total of 1 friend, maybe 2. That’s…actually really sad.

Suddenly, there’s a knock at the door (well…the buzzer goes off. whatever) and it’s a delivery for Ana.

I sign for the package and take it upstairs. The box is huge and surprisingly light. Inside are two dozen long-stemmed white roses and a card.

Congratulations on your first day at work.
I hope it went well.
And thank you for the glider. That was very thoughtful.
It has pride of place on my desk.
Christian.

so fucking done

YOU TWO ARE TERRIBLE AT BREAKING UP.

CHRISTIAN. YOU BROKE UP. YOU DON’T SEND YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND A DOZEN FUCKING ROSES BECAUSE SHE HAD HER FIRST DAY OF WORK.

YOU GIVE HER FUCKING SPACE BECAUSE SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE A FUCKING LUNATIC WITH MOMMY ISSUES, AND YOU NEED TO STEP THE FUCK BACK AND LET HER LIVE HER FUCKING LIFE.

FUCK.

And then, of course, instead of throwing them out, Ana keeps them, because apparently she likes causing herself pain.

So then Ana thinks some more about how sad she is, and how she cries all the time, and it’s all quite boring and annoying. I get it. You’re sad. Break ups suck. Deal with it.

I have become my own island state. A ravaged, war-torn land where nothing grows and the horizons are bleak. Yes, that’s me. I can interact impersonally at work, but that’s it. If I talk to Mom, I know I will break even further–and I have nothing left to break.

god fucking dammit

FUCK

THIS

SHIT.

Alright, I get it, break ups are really, truly awful and horrible in every way. I was engaged for 2 years and I got broken up with and I didn’t leave my bed for an entire day, and I barely ate and I didn’t sleep well and I made a lot of stupid decisions and I was very sad all the time.

I

get

it.

HOWEVER.

That break-up was so awful because I’d been together with that guy for nearly 4 years and I also found out that he did a lot of bad things behind my back, so I felt very betrayed by someone who I thought was my best friend and who I thought I’d be with forever.

ANA. YOU ARE NOT IN THAT SITUATION. YOU NEED TO WOMAN. THE FUCK. UP. AND FUCKING DEAL WITH YOUR SHIT.

YEAH. I GET IT. IT HURTS.

BUT YOU ONLY KNEW CHRISTIAN FOR LIKE FOUR FUCKING MONTHS. AND YOU WERE ONLY DATING FOR LIKE TWO OF THOSE MONTHS.

YOU BARELY KNEW HIM. YOU WERE BARELY DATING. YOU HADN’T SAID “I LOVE YOU” YET.

NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT HE WAS ABUSIVE AS FUCK AND CONSTANTLY STALKED YOU.

OH BUT YEAH LET’S PINE AWAY AFTER THAT GUY WHO THREATENED TO RAPE YOU SEVERAL TIMES AND ALSO STALKED YOU AND YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING FAMILY AND FOUND OUT EVERYTHING HE COULD ABOUT YOU USING PRIVATE FUCKING INVESTIGATORS BEFORE HE EVEN ASKED YOU OUT.

I know it’s hard, and I’m not trying to say that Ana’s pain doesn’t matter or it isn’t justified to feel really awful in this situation.

But to let yourself wallow in it is really fucking stupid.

Get out of the house. Make new friends. Read some new books. Go to a concert. Buy a boat. Cut your hair. Learn to rock climb. I don’t give a fuck what you do, but do SOMETHING, do ANYTHING, get your mind off of stupid Christian and his giant fucking magic-wang, and GET THE FUCK ON WITH YOUR LIFE.

And if you CAN’T get over it, if you’re still sad and you can’t seem to find a way out of it, that’s okay! That happens! That’s when it’s time to go see a professional who can help you deal with these feelings in a healthy and constructive manner.

CRYING CONSTANTLY AND STARING NUMBLY AT WALLS IS NOT “DEALING WITH FEELINGS IN A HEALTHY AND CONSTRUCTIVE MANNER.”

ALSO

HE

FUCKING

BEAT

YOU

WITH

A

BELT.

PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT IT IS EXACTLY THAT YOU MISS SO MUCH ABOUT HIM.

One thought on “Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 1 [Part 1]

  1. The parallel with Twilight is so obvious here, but it’s also sad. Now we have two popular serieses in the public lexicon that have women moping around and pining for their lost boyfriends.

    Ick.

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