Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 1 [Part 4]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

When they get inside the gallery, some woman comes up and welcomes them, and then stares for a long time at Ana, and then at Christian. The woman then says “Oh, it’s you, Ana. We’ll want your take on all this, too.”

So that’s…creepy.

Ana has no idea who this woman even is, and the woman walks away before Ana can ask how she knows her name.

José comes running over and hugs Ana, and Ana just about starts crying because José is her only friend while Kate is away, which is actually really sad and I wish Ana had more friends. She’d probably have more friends if she wasn’t with Christian Grey, to be honest. He seems to scare people off. Or at least he scares smart people off.

José notices that Ana has lost weight, and he keeps saying Dios Mio! because we need to be reminded that José isn’t white, because this book is just so diverse.

Ana mentions that she came with Christian, and José is instantly a lot less friendly, because he probably still has all the boners for Ana and doesn’t like competition, AKA he’s not a very good friend.

Or maybe he just doesn’t like Christian and it has nothing to do with Ana, which is perfectly fine because Christian does suck a lot.

Ana keeps getting weird looks from people, and José tells her he needs to warn her about something, but is pulled away to talk to a reporter before he can explain.

We turn the corner, and I can see why I’ve been getting strange looks. Hanging on the far wall are seven huge portraits–of me.
I stare blankly at them, stupefied, the blood draining from my face. Me: pouting, laughing, scowling, serious, amused. All in super close up, all in black and white.
Holy crap! I remember José messing with the camera on a couple of occasions when he was visiting and when I’d been out with him as driver and photographer’s assistant. He took snapshots, or so I thought. Not these invasive candids.

benji does not want

UM

SHOULDN’T YOU

INFORM YOUR FRIENDS

IF YOU’RE GOING TO USE IMAGES OF THEM IN YOUR PHOTOGRAPHY SHOW AND POTENTIALLY MAKE MONEY BY SELLING PICTURES OF THEIR FACES TO RANDOM STRANGERS?

MAYBE?

JESUS CHRIST.

That is so creepy, I can’t even process how creepy that is.  Jesus. It’s like it’s not even trying to hide how creepy it is.

How much you want to bet that Ana will just magically be okay with it and not get mad at José?

Christian, however, does not seem pleased, and excuses himself to go do god knows what. Maybe punch José in the face, I have no idea.

Oh, he went to go buy one of the photographs. Of his ex girlfriend.

WHY IS EVERYONE SO GODDAMNED CREEPY.

“Did you just buy one of these?”
“One of these?” he snorts, not taking his eyes off them.
“You bought more than one?”
He rolls his eyes. “I bought them all, Anastasia. I don’t want some stranger ogling you in the privacy of their home.”

certified creeper

THAT’S IT.

THAT’S DONE IT.

EVERY PERSON IN THIS BOOK IS EITHER STUPID OR CREEPY OR BOTH.

CHRISTIAN BOUGHT NOT ONE BUT AN ENTIRE FUCKING COLLECTION OF PHOTOGRAPHS OF HIS EX GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE HE DIDN’T WANT OTHER PEOPLE TO LOOK AT THEM.

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK.

THERE IS SO MUCH WRONG HERE I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN.

JESUS. CHRIST.

“You look very relaxed in these photographs, Anastasia. I don’t see you like that very often.”

MAYBE YOU’D SEE HER MORE RELAXED LIKE THAT IF YOU DIDN’T HIT HER WITH A FUCKING BELT.

“You have to stop intimidating me if you want that,” I snap.
“You have to learn to communicate and tell me how you feel,” he snaps back, eyes blazing.

SHE HAS TOLD YOU HOW SHE FEELS.

SHE TOLD YOU SHE DOESN’T WANT YOU TO HIT HER.

BUT APPARENTLY YOU NOT HITTING HER ISN’T EVEN AN OPTION.

“It’s very confusing being with you. You don’t want me to defy you, but then you like my ‘smart mouth.’ You want obedience, except when you don’t, so you can punish me. I just don’t know which way is up when I’m with you.”

OH WOW LOOK. SHE’S COMMUNICATING WITH YOU, CHRISTIAN.

YOU GONNA GO BEAT HER AGAIN FOR TALKING BACK TO YOU OR SOMETHING?

“Come, let’s go eat.”
“We’ve only been here for half an hour.”
“You’ve seen the photos; you’ve spoken to the boy.”
“His name is José.”
“You’ve spoken to José–the man who, the last time I met him, was trying to push his tongue into your reluctant mouth whil you were drunk and ill,” he snarls.
“He’s never hit me,” I spit at him.
Christian scowls at me, fury emanating from every pore. “That’s a low blow, Anastasia,” he whispers menacingly.

ANA YOU NEED TO GO FIND A NEW SET OF DUDES TO DATE BECAUSE ALL THE ONES AROUND YOU ARE FUCKING CREEPY AS FUCK.

Christian does make a good point about José, and I do hate José for that whole sexual assault incident (although Ana doesn’t, which is really annoying but whatever, it’s her life, she can be friends with whoever she wants).

HOWEVER.

Ana just referenced the fact that Christian hit her, and Christian responded by basically saying “How dare you bring up something that actually happened. When you say it like that it makes me sound like a bad person so I’m mad at you now and I might just murder you in a back alley tonight because I’m a terrifying psychopath with mommy-issues and a boner for beating women.”

Christian, you can’t get mad at Ana for bringing up something that you actually did. You hit her, she didn’t like it, and that’s that. Oh, what, it makes you sound like a bad person? MAYBE YOU ARE A BAD PERSON. DEAL WITH IT, ASSHOLE.

ALSO.

STOP TRYING TO FORCE ANA TO LEAVE THE SHOW EARLY. YOU’RE HERE AS A FAVOR TO HER. SHE DECIDES WHEN SHE WANTS TO LEAVE. YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE, CHRISTIAN.

“I’m taking you for something to eat. You’re fading away in front of me. Find the boy, say good-bye.”
“Please, can we stay longer?”
“No. Go. Now. Say good-bye.”

go fuck yourself

I swear to fucking god, Christian.

Ana, just get a cab home. Ask José to drive you home. Rent a car. DO SOMETHING. Do not let this asshole bully you. You don’t owe him anything. YOU FUCKING BROKE UP WITH HIM. Tell him to leave you the fuck alone and then ignore him forever because he’s the world’s largest ball of dicks.

So many women think Christian is the most romantic dude ever and is the perfect man and I am reading this and all I can think is that those women are severely deluded and need mental help.

Ana goes and says goodbye to José, and when she hugs him goodbye she can see Christian across the room being angry, so she hugs José tighter to piss him off more.

Excellent idea, Ana. Piss off the dude who beats you for fun. Real smart.

They leave the gallery.

[Christian] looks quickly up and down the street then heads left and suddenly sweeps me into a side alley, abruptly pushing me up against a wall.

UM. MURDER. WHAT THE FUCK.

He grabs my face between his hands, forcing me to look up into his ardent determined eyes.
I gasp, and his mouth swoops down. He’s kissing me, violently. Briefly our teeth clash, then his tongue is in my mouth.

WHAT THE FUCK. SEXUAL ASSAULT NOW TOO?! JESUS.

Desire explodes like the Fourth of July throughout my body, and I’m kissing him back, matching his fervor, my hands knotting in his hair, pulling it, hard.

the stupid it burns

“Desire explodes like the Fourth of July”? Seriously? Like fireworks, okay. But last time I checked, the Fourth of July is a holiday, and holidays don’t generally explode, considering the fact that they’re abstract concepts, not physical things, therefore can’t explode.

Basically what I’m trying to say is that E.L. James is astonishingly dumb and is bad at writing.

“You. Are. Mine,” he snarls, emphasizing each word.

SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU, MOTHERFUCKER.

So then Christian calls Ana out on the thing with José, which is apparently why Christian fucking assaulted Ana in a goddamned Alley, because he had to assert his dominance, and I guess he wasn’t in the mood to pee on her to mark her as his.

Jesus. Fucking. Christ. I hate this book so much.

“Come, we need to talk, and you need to eat.”

No, Christian, you need to leave her the fuck alone.

-End of Chapter One-

WE DID IT.

FIRST REAL CHAPTER = COMPLETE.

ONLY…21 MORE CHAPTERS TO GO!

I don’t know if I’m going to make it, guys. This chapter was such a harrowing, awful experience. It took all the dumb things from the last book and amplified them by ten and threw them all into one chapter.

Ugh.

See you on Monday!

Advertisements

One thought on “Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 1 [Part 4]

  1. Oh my god. I love you so much! Haha! This has to be the best review of a shit book ever. You are hilarious and amazing! Hahaha! I’m going to continue to laugh my ass off! Haha!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s