Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 2 [Part 4]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

So Ana falls asleep in Christian’s lap in the car (no seatbelts…tsk tsk), and when she wakes up, they’re back in Seattle.

“I could watch you sleep forever, Ana.”

disgusted

Creepiest character of the century. Of course, I shouldn’t have expected any less, since he’s based on Edward Cullen. Ugh.

We find out that they’re going back to Ana’s place and dropping her off, which means they’re not going to have sex tonight, which is baffling to me.

“Anastasia, I am not going to touch you again, not until you beg me to.”
“What!”
“So that you’ll start communicating with me. Next time we make love, you’re going to have to tell me exactly what you want in fine detail.”

That’s……actually a good idea. Weird.

Christian gives Ana a gift, but tells her to open it when she gets inside. Apparently he’s not even coming in with her? Dang. They really aren’t going to have sex tonight.

She tells him that her boss, Jack, asked her to go get drinks tomorrow, which clearly makes Christian uncomfortable, but he’s not being so controlling anymore, which is…surprising.

WHAT IS HAPPENING. CHRISTIAN GREY IS ACTING LIKE A RATIONAL HUMAN BEING INSTEAD OF A CONTROLLING DICK-MONSTER.

AM I HALLUCINATING? THIS CAN’T BE REALITY.

Christian agrees to come meet Ana at the bar to pick her up after getting drinks with her boss, which is perfectly reasonable and rational and I am so bewildered right now by this complete change in character.

They get outside and Christian gives Ana a bunch of kisses, and then he leaves.

Once inside, Ana opens the present. Inside are her MacBook, her Blackberry, and another mysterious rectangular box.

What could it be?!?

Oh for the love of fuck. It’s a goddamned iPad.

There’s a note with it:

Anastasia–This is for you.
I know what you want to hear.
The music on here says it for me.

FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK. IT’S A FUCKING MIXTAPE IPAD.

WHAT THE FUCK.

THIS ISN’T REAL LIFE.

THIS IS SO RIDICULOUS I DON’T EVEN…

WHAT.

THE.

FUCKK.

That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard of. Is that really the future? People are going to start giving Mix-iPads and Mix-iPods instead of mixtapes and mix cds?

That is the most over the top thing to give someone. I guess it’s supposed to be cute but to me it’s just more evidence that Christian is a rich motherfucker who just throws money at people to make them love him.

I would love an iPad. I’ve wanted a tablet for almost a year now. And I probably won’t be able to afford one for at least another year, because unlike Christian Grey, I live in REALITY, where THINGS COST MONEY, and JOBS ARE HARD TO GET, and YOU DON’T JUST GET MAGICALLY RICH FROM DOING “BUSINESS.”

THIS ISN’T REAL LIFE.

“But Caitlin, it’s fiction…”

FUCK YOU I KNOW IT’S FICTION. But it’s supposed to be realistic fiction and it isn’t because NONE OF THIS IS REALISTIC AND NO ONE LIVES LIKE THIS AND I HATE CHRISTIAN GREY.

So then we get a whole bunch of pages of Ana telling us what stupid songs are on her stupid new iPad that she didn’t even have to pay for because she lives in Magic Christmas-land.

All of the songs secretly mean that Christian loves Ana and wants to try again and blah blah blah. I suppose it’s romantic but I’m still so pissed off about this whole situation and this whole book and this whole series that I don’t even care.

Ugh, and then Ana starts emailing Christian a whole bunch. It’s all stupid stuff, thanking him for the iPad, telling him she loves him (YOU’VE KNOWN HIM FOR FOUR FUCKING MONTHS. IT’S A LITTLE SOON, DON’T YOU THINK) and all that.

They start doing their stupid flirty email thing that makes me want to shove knives down my throat and into my eyeballs.

Ana gets ready for bed and falls asleep listening to one of the songs he gave her.

UGH I think I know what song. I think it’s Heartbeats by José Gonzales. I love that song. NOW IT’S RUINED FOREVER.

-End of Chapter Two-

Well, I don’t think that was as bad as Chapter One, but it’s still infuriating.

I also like how Christian turned into a completely different person this chapter. A+ character development there, E.L. James. Good job.

Alright, see you guys Wednesday!

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2 thoughts on “Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 2 [Part 4]

  1. I just want to thank you for taking your time in reading these horrible books and making people realize that Christian Grey is not the perfect man that most people think he is. I have friends who have read the book and loved it and are in love with him and I’d love to read all of your entries for them. This blog makes me want to translate it to my mother tongue so more people are able to understand that this person has serious problems and that no one, ever, should tolerate the kind of things that Christian makes Anastasia do.
    I originally read the first book and couldn’t force myself to read the other two books, but I found your Tumblr and read your previous liveblogs.
    By the way, I hate how the author is always using “Dios mío”.

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