Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 3 [Part 1]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

Happy Wednesday! I spent nearly all day yesterday thinking it was Wednesday, and it was very confusing. Anyway.

RECAP: Christian and Ana go to a restaurant. Christian orders for Ana because they “don’t have time” or some shit, and then when she calls him out on it he’s like omg you’re being childish. Christian threatens Ana with bodily harm if she doesn’t eat (I’m not even kidding. What the fuck), so finally Ana eats her steak and SURPRISE it’s delicious. Then they talk about their relationship and how they miss each other, and it’s only been 4 or 5 days since they’ve broken up but apparently they can’t be apart for more than a few days because otherwise they just spontaneously combust with angst. Ana tries to tell Christian that she doesn’t want to get back with him because she can’t be what he wants her to be. He says he has a new proposal. They leave the restaurant and get in a car to drive back to Seattle In the car, Christian tells Ana that he wants to try a “vanilla” relationship, with no rules, no punishments, although they’d still do the “Kinky Fuckery” (actual phrase. I couldn’t make that shit up). Ana agrees and they cuddle and fall asleep in the car.

Christian gives Ana a present and drops her off at her house, because he’s not going to sleep with her until she begs him to, which is actually reasonable because he wants her to tell him what to do in the bedroom because she’s timid as fuck and is too scared to actually say when she likes/doesn’t like something. Christian is really reasonable in this chapter which is REALLY WEIRD because he’s not reasonable ANYWHERE ELSE IN THIS SERIES but okay. Ana gets inside and opens her present and finds the Blackberry and the MacBook that Christian gave her (that she gave back), and a mysterious box. Inside the mysterious box is a fucking iPad that’s full of songs about love and bullshit and it’s basically a fucking mixtape iPad and Christian has so much money it makes me furious. Ana emails Christian to thank him and then falls asleep all happy and shit even though she probably just ruined her life by getting back with that asshole. Hurray.

-Chapter Three-

Ana listens to her new iPad while on the bus to work (she keeps it in her purse so it doesn’t get stolen but still. That seems horribly inconvenient to carry around. Why didn’t he just give her an iPod or something) and arrives all smiley and stupid because her happiness apparently depends entirely on Christian’s presence in her life.

“Good morning, Ana. You look…radiant.” [Jack’s] remark flusters me. How inappropriate!

I mean, I guess that’s inappropriate? But him staring at you the other day was WAY more inappropriate, and you didn’t get your panties in a bunch then.

I mean, saying someone looks radiant isn’t the worst thing you could say.

Jack asks Ana to read the first chapters of some manuscripts and write up reports on them, whatever that means. Is that what happens when you’re the editor’s assistant at a small, independent publishing company? I mean, I have no idea. It just seems…I don’t know. I guess I just assume that E.L. James doesn’t know anything about any of the things she writes about, so she just makes stuff up and it’s usually wrong. Maybe this is what really happens. I don’t know. It seemed like she was hired to be Jack’s secretary more than anything else, but whatever.

So Ana switches on her computer to get to work, and finds an email from Christian asking if she ate breakfast and telling her he missed her.

How much you want to bet that Ana won’t get anything done at work today and will spend all her time emailing Christian?

Ugh they email back and forth doing their weird flirty email thing, and it takes up a whole bunch of page-space that could have been better spent on, oh, I don’t know, ACTUAL CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT?

This whole email-is-the-only-way-we-communicate thing is getting real old, real fast.

Ana eats lunch, and then decides to email Christian again. Christian responds and tells her that her work email is monitored, and she’s all “omg whaaat I didn’t knowww.”

Shut up, stupid, you should have known better. Don’t send personal emails with your work email. You have a personal email for a reason. Also half of your emails are practically sexting, so you DEFINITELY shouldn’t use your work email for that. You are really, REALLY dumb sometimes.

At 5:30 PM, Jack invites Ana out for drinks.

“Drink, Ana? We usually like to go for a quick one at the bar across the street.”
“We?” I ask, hopeful.
“Yeah, most of us go…you coming?”
For some unknown reason, which I don’t want to examine too closely, relief floods through me.

annoyed natalie portman

What do you mean, “unknown?”

He creeps you out, obviously. Why don’t you want to examine it too closely? You SHOULD examine it closely, and decide if he’s doing things that are inappropriate, and then you need to take proper action and report his sexual harassment to the HR part of the company.


Also, E.L., by having Ana avoid examining her feelings, you’re not being mysterious or anything, you’re just making your main character sound like an idiot. Good job.

Ana agrees to go out for drinks with her coworkers. She emails Christian where they’re going so he can meet her there. They email back and forth a bunch more times, more stupid shit, as always. Christian says “Sooners rather than laters, baby.” Gag me. Ugh.


One thought on “Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 3 [Part 1]

  1. I hate how Christian changes so much when Ana breaks up with him. All this time he’s been saying he can’t do relationships. It’s not until he’s negatively affected that he even tries with her. And when he tries, he makes it look SUPER easy, like it’s something they could have begun with when she first asked for it.

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