Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 3 [Part 2]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

I check myself in the mirror. What a difference a day can make. I have more color in my cheeks, and my eyes are shining. It’s the Christian Grey effect.

grumpy cat

…are you serious.

“The Christian Grey effect?

Hey, ladies! Apparently, when you break up with a guy, you just suddenly turn really ugly, but if you get back with him, you’ll look beautiful again! Don’t just sit there being ugly, go find a man to make you pretty again!

Ana, it’s not the “Christian Grey effect,” it’s called EATING. FUCKING. FOOD.

“Gee, I haven’t eaten a full meal in like 4 days, I wonder why I look like shit? I also haven’t been eating or sleeping…what a weird coincidence that I suddenly look not as good as normal!”

Yup. That’s definitely because you didn’t have Christian to make you pretty. It definitely has nothing to do with the fact that you stopped taking care of yourself and it fucking showed.

Ana goes outside and runs into some woman who knows her name.

“Miss Steele?”
I turn expectantly, and an ashen young woman approaches me cautiously. She looks like a ghost–so pale and strangely blank.
“Miss Anastasia Steele?” she repeats, and her features stay static even though she’s speaking.
“Yes?”
She stops, staring at me from about three feet away on the sidewalk, and I stare back, immobilized. Who is she? What does she want?

Woah, this is kind of a plot twist. Something is actually happening! By “plot twist” I mean there’s an actual plot. Which is rare for these books.

“Can I help you?” I ask. How does she know my name?
“No…I just wanted to look at you.”

certified creeper

What a creep. Jesus.

One time I was on the train with my friend Erin and this guy was literally staring at us the entire time, and then when he went to get off the train he stopped next to us and said “It was nice looking at you ladies,” and then he left. It was SUPER CREEPY and that’s all I can think of right now.

Her voice is eerily soft. Like me, she has dark hair that starkly contrasts with her fair skin. Her eyes are brown, like bourbon, but flat. There’s no life in them at all. Her beautiful face is pale, and etched with sorrow.

um loki

What.

“Like bourbon?”

Since when does Anastasia Steele look at bourbon enough to compare things to it?

This book is in first person, which means that this is all Ana’s actual thoughts, and it’s in present tense, which means these thoughts are happening in real time. Which means that we’re expected to believe that Ana saw this girl’s eyes and immediately thought of bourbon. Which means Ana must spend a lot of time around bourbon.

SECRET DRINKING PROBLEM!

I mean, it’s not a bad analogy, don’t get me wrong. But it doesn’t make ANY SENSE coming out of Anastasia “I Didn’t Get Drunk For The First Time Until Two Months Ago” Steele.

You’re writing too hard, Ms. James.

Also, when some creepy person says “I just want to look at you,” most people wouldn’t be like “gee…her eyes look like an alcoholic beverage that I have extremely limited experience with.” Most people would be like “GET AWAY, CREEPY MCCREEPERPANTS. WHERE’S MY PEPPER SPRAY.”

NOTHING ABOUT THAT LINE MAKES ANY SENSE.

Ugh.

On closer inspection, she looks odd, disheveled and uncared for. Her clothes are two sizes too big, including her designer trench coat.

Maybe she just needs a dose of the Christian Grey Effect!

“What do you have that I don’t?” she asks sadly.
My anxiety turns to fear. “I’m sorry–who are you?”
“Me? I’m nobody.” She lifts her arm to drag her hand through her shoulder length hair, and as she does, the sleeve of her trench coat rides up, revealing a soiled bandage around her wrist.
Holy fuck.

JESUS CHRIST. This went from mildly weird to GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE in less than 2 seconds. What the fuck is going on.

…And then the girl just leaves?

What the fuck.

Confused, I cross the street to the bar, trying to assimilate what has just happened, while my subconscious rears her ugly head and hisses at me–She has something to do with Christian.

Well no shit. This whole series is about Christian, which is why it’s called “Fifty Shades”.

I mean…WHAT?! SHE HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH CHRISTIAN?! I DEFINITELY DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING FROM 40 MILES AWAY. HOW CLEVER YOU ARE TO HAVE FIGURED THAT OUT, ANA.

I’m assuming that girl is one of Christian’s ex subs, but the “soiled bandage” thing creeps me the fuck out.

Also who the fuck uses the word “assimilate” like that.

NEWSFLASH: USING BIGGER WORDS DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BETTER WRITER.

Just say “trying to figure out what just happened”, because that’s how people ACTUALLY TALK. No one would say “assimilate” like that. You’re dumb.

So Ana starts drinking, and people just keep buying her beers? And she takes them, and is way too trusting, and I’m fully expecting her to get roofied SO HARD right now.

Her coworkers start going home, leaving her, the girl Claire from reception, who’s talking to some dude, and Jack. Jack comes over to talk to Ana, and SURPRISE SURPRISE he’s a creepshow.

“Ana, think you made the right decision coming here?” Jack’s voice is soft, and he’s standing a bit too close.

Personal space, dude.

“Do you live far?”
“The Pike Market district.”
“Not far from me.” Smiling, he moves even closer and leans against the bar, effectively trapping me. “Do you have any plans this weekend?”

KICK HIM IN THE NUTS. GET OUT OF THERE.

I AM SO UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THIS.

I feel him before I see him. It’s as if my whole body is highly attuned to his presence. It relaxes and ignites at the same time–a weird, internal duality–and I sense that strange pulsing electricity.

I swear to god, every time some condescending English major douchebag uses the word Duality unironically, I nearly cry laughing.

I say again: USING BIG WORD DOES NOT MAKE YOU SOUND COOL. IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU A GOOD WRITER. YOU SOUND LIKE A CONDESCENDING DOUCHEBAG WHO THINKS THAT SHOWING OFF HIS/HER VOCABULARY WILL GET HIM/HER LAID. WHICH IS PROBABLY EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE. GO HOME.

Oh, in case you weren’t already aware, Ana is talking about Christian in that section. Christian has finally arrived at the bar. Thank god. I never thought I’d be so excited to see Christian show up in a scene in my life.

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