Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 4 [Part 1]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

I’m back! And I’m drinking Twinings English Breakfast Tea, which, if you’re not aware, is the signature tea of our favorite “heroine,” Anastasia Steele.

I didn’t prepare it the way she does though, mostly because I prefer drinking actual tea instead of tea-flavored water junk. Maybe I’ll make a video one of these days of me making tea the Anastasia Steele way and drinking it and getting angry. I also want to make a liveblog video where I play the 50 Shades drinking game that I invented.

Too bad I’m poops at making videos. But you never know!

ANYWAY.

RECAP: Ana goes to work and is invited out to drinks by her increasingly creepy boss, Jack Hyde. She goes, because the rest of the office is going too, and Christian agrees to come pick her up after. On her way out, she runs into some creepy woman who says “I just wanted to look at you” and has a bandage on her wrist. The creepy woman clearly has some connection to Christian, but she leaves before we find out more. Ana goes to the bar, Jack is creepy, and Christian saves the day by basically peeing it a circle around his girlfriend. Christian reveals to Ana that he has bought the company she now works for because he “wants her to be safe?” What. Ana is mad but then Christian completely derails the argument and none of Ana’s points get discussed, because she’s a woman so obviously her opinions don’t matter. They go back to Ana’s apartment and start to make dinner because Ana hasn’t eaten, but then instead they end up having sex. What a surprise. In our first sex scene of this book, Christian makes Ana call the shots, which is a good idea, except is really annoying to read (particularly the part where she’s too embarrassed to tell him that she wants him to eat her out, and has to say “I want you to kiss me” and then she points to her vagina because she can’t say it’s name). They end up cumming at the same time just like literally every other sex scene in this stupid series. Cool.

-Chapter Four-

As sanity returns, I open my eyes and gaze up into the face of the man I love.

Oh, good. I already want to vomit, and it’s only the first line of the chapter.

“As sanity returns?” Honey, if you’re still in love with Christian Grey, your sanity is about as far gone as it can get.

He plants a gentle kiss on my lips as he eases himself out of me. “I’ve missed this,” he breathes.
“Me too,” I whisper.

IT’S BEEN 5 FUCKING DAYS SINCE YOU LAST BONED. YOU CAN’T GO FIVE DAYS WITHOUT BONING? ARE YOU SERIOUS.

Ana thanks him for the iPad, and they talk about it briefly.

“Come cook me some food, wench. I’m famished,” he adds, sitting up suddenly and dragging me with him.

khaleesi rolling eyes

I get it. It’s a joke. Hah hah hah. Funny.

It’s just like all the “get back in the kitchen” jokes that aren’t funny 99.9% of the time.

“No, but see Caitlin, it’s funny because he doesn’t ACTUALLY think that way! He’s being sarcastic! Or whatever!”

Nope. Pretty sure Christian DOES actually think that women exist to serve him. He may not exactly call them wenches, but he DOES call his birth mother a crack whore constantly, and he also thinks that allowing a woman to buy his meal is “completely emasculating.”

[In other news my tea is DELICIOUS. I brewed it for 4-5 minutes and added a tiny bit of sugar and a splash of vanilla almond milk and oh my goodness I’m in love. I thought you would like to know.]

As they’re getting out of bed, Christian finds the helicopter balloon under Ana’s pillow, the balloon that he gave her awhile back, that she’s been sleeping with because she’s weird. When I go through a break up, I don’t sleep with a thing that reminds me of that person because that’s fucking stupid and makes it real hard for you to get over that person.

Whatever. So he finds it and he thinks it’s cute or whatever. It’s actually a really boring and useless interaction that should have been cut out of the final draft of this book in my opinion, but maybe that balloon will end up being important and Ana will end up suffocating Christian to death with it, or vice versa. I’d honestly be happy with either of those outcomes.

They go and finish making dinner and start eating.

Christian leans against the couch, his long legs stretched out in front of him. He’s wearing his jeans and his shirt with his just-fucked hair, and that’s all.

…what do you mean “that’s all.” THAT’S HIS WHOLE OUTFIT. Is he not wearing underwear? Who gives a shit. Also, wearing no underwear with jeans seems extremely uncomfortable, especially for someone with a 4-foot dick flopping around down there. But what do I know.

They start discussing Ana’s past, where she learned to cook, who she lived with growing up, that sort of thing. She tells him how she had to learn how to cook when she lived with her stepdad Ray, because otherwise they would have eaten fast food and other crap. Christian makes some comment about how she likes to take care of people.

“I want to take care of you.” His luminous eyes glow with some unnamed emotion.

WHAT A HORRIBLE SENTENCE.

Why the fuck did you put “luminous” and “glow” in the same sentence. They mean the same fucking thing.

Just say “His eyes are luminous” or “His eyes glow.” That’s it. That’s all you need.

Except you don’t need any of that because WHY THE FUCK TELL US HIS EYES ARE GLOWING IF YOU WON’T TELL US WHY.

WHY EVEN TELL US THAT IT’S SOME UNNAMED EMOTION. IF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO TELL US WHAT EMOTION IT IS, WE AREN’T GOING TO GIVE A SHIT.

I swear to god, this is the worst written shit I’ve ever read. I’ve read all 4 Twilight books, I’m a goddamned writing tutor and an editor for goodness’ sake, and this is still worse than anything I’ve read, because this is published. Someone thought this was as good as it was going to get and published it.

I recently talked to a literary agent about my unfinished novel, and she told me not to bring her the manuscript until I’d finished it and rewritten it several times and edited the shit out of it myself. After I give her the manuscript, she’ll probably have me edit it 10 more times to get it good enough to publish.

Yet this piece of shit gets published.

It’s like a giant middle finger smashed in the eyeballs of all literary-minded people.

“Caitlin, I think you’re taking this too personally…”

SHUT UP IMAGINARY READER, YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT. MAYBE I’LL TAKE YOUR FACE TOO PERSONALLY NEXT! TAKE THAT!

I…I’m sorry. This is getting out of hand.

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