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“I’m still mad at you for buying SIP [the publishing company Ana works for now].”
He smiles “I know but you being mad, baby, wouldn’t stop me.”
“AH YES PUNY WOMAN-THING. YOUR ADORABLE OPINIONS DO NOT MATTER TO BIG STRONG MANLY-MEN SUCH AS MYSELF. YOU ARE SO SILLY, THINKING THAT I WOULD ACTUALLY CONSIDER YOUR THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS BEFORE DOING SOMETHING THAT DIRECTLY AFFECTS YOUR LIFE AND JOB. HAH HAH! YOU ARE SO FUNNY.”
Are you fucking serious.
You can’t just buy fucking everything, Christian. And you should CONSULT YOUR GIRLFRIEND before you BUY THE COMPANY SHE WORKS FOR BECAUSE YOU WANT HER TO BE SAFE.
I know he said that he did it because he’d been wanting to get into publishing, and that’s fine, except he mentioned that AFTER saying that he did it to keep her safe, which makes me think that that wasn’t the real reason he did it.
Christian just disregards EVERYTHING Ana says. Every opinion she has, every thought she expresses.
AND THEN HE WONDERS WHY SHE HAS A HARD TIME COMMUNICATING WITH HIM.
Maybe she has a hard time communicating with you because when she DOES communicate with you YOU BLATANTLY DISREGARD WHAT SHE SAYS.
“If I leave and find another job, will you buy that company too?”
“You’re not thinking of leaving, are you?” His expression alters, wary once more.
“Possibly. I’m not sure you’ve given me a great deal of choice.”
“Yes. I will buy that company too.” He is adamant.
I don’t even know what to call this. Stalking? Is this still stalking her? I guess it’s just him being over-controlling. I don’t even think there’s a word for this, to be honest. This is a whole other level of horrifying. I think this relationship just got upgraded to a Category 5 Shitstorm. What the fuck.
I seriously didn’t think Christian could be MORE of a psychotic asshole, but apparently I underestimated him!
And then Ana just fucking drops it. I mean, I guess that’s smart of her, because clearly he’s not backing down from this ludicrous plot of his, but she should seriously fucking dump his ass…again. Since it didn’t work the first time.
“Would you like dessert?”
“Now you’re talking!” he says, giving me a lascivious grin.
“Not me.” Why not me? My inner goddess wakes up from her doze and sits upright, all ears. “We have ice cream. Vanilla.” I snicker.
“Really?” Christian’s grin gets bigger. “I think we could do something with that.”
Please. No food-sex.
NOT THE FOOD SEX.
DON’T RUIN ICE CREAM FOR ME.
Turning, he opesn the freezer and takes out the carton of Ben & Jerry’s finest vanilla.
“This will do just fine.” He looks up at me, eyes dark. “Ben & Jerry’s & Ana.”
WHY. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING. WHY AM I READING THIS.
So they go back to her bedroom and take the blankets and pillows off the bed, leaving just the sheets, which are apparently going to get very messy and I’m going to vomit all over my computer.
Christian ties Ana’s arms to the bed, so she’s lying face up and can’t move her arms. He then undresses.
He is gloriously naked. My inner goddess is doing a triple axel dismount off the uneven bars, and abruptly my mouth is dry.
WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN.
I guess it means she’s turned on?
WHY THE FUCK CAN’T YOU JUST SAY “LOOKING AT HIM TURNS ME ON” OR SOMETHING.
WHY ARE YOU EVEN BOTHERING WITH THE “INNER GODDESS” BULLSHIT.
IT’S NOT CLEVER. IT’S NOT FUNNY. IT’S NOT INTERESTING. IT ADDS LITERALLY NOTHING TO THE BOOK, IT GIVES US NO CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, NO PLOT DEVELOPMENT, NOTHING OF ANY VALUE.
So then Christian sits on top of Ana’s stomach and starts eating the ice cream all sexually and talking about how “hard” it is.
How does this book exist.
Christian goes to offer Ana some ice cream, but eats it himself instead, and keeps making obviously sexual comments and I have never wanted to vomit so badly in my life. Vomiting is more fun than reading this. In fact, vomiting is probably more erotic than reading this as well.
Then he starts force-feeding her ice cream. Is there a word for when you’re the opposite of turned on? I’m pretty sure I’d be more turned on watching C-SPAN than I am reading this scene.
Taking another spoonful, he offers me more. This time I keep my mouth shut and shake my head, and he lets it slowly melt on the spoon so that the melted ice cream drips, onto my throat, onto my chest. He dips down and very slowly licks it off. My body lights up with longing.
“Mmm. Tastes even better off you, Miss Steele.”
New drinking game rule: drink every time you feel like you’re going to throw up because this book is so repulsive.
Also this whole thing just sounds sticky. I don’t know how you guys feel, but being sticky is one of the least sexy feelings in the entire world.
Ugh. How long is this scene going to last. Should I go get a bucket for all my puke?
He takes another spoonful and lets the ice cream dribble onto my breasts. Then with the back of the spoon, he spreads it over each breast and nipple.
Yup. Gonna need that bucket.
He then puts a big spoonful of ice cream on her belly button and orders her to stay still so it doesn’t get all over the bed.
And I try, I try to stay still despite the heady combination of cold and his inflaming touch. But my hips start to move involuntarily, gyrating to their own rhythm, caught up in his cool vanilla spell. He shifts lower and starts eating the ice cream in my belly, swirling his tongue into and around my navel.
Never has ice cream sounded less appealing.
Also, another new drinking game rule: drink every time Anastasia uses the word “heady” to describe something. She uses that stupid fucking word at least once per chapter and it pisses me off more and more every time. What a stupid word.
Christian starts fingering Ana, and she cums like 2 seconds later, and then he puts on a condom and they start having very sticky sex.
WOOPS and now they’re doing it doggy style. Or at least it was doggy style for a second and then he pulls her torso up so he can play with her boobs while they fuck. And then he starts talking to her, and it’s all just really unappealing.
“You are mine, Anastasia.”
“Yes, yours,” I pant.
“I take care of what’s mine,” he hisses and bites my ear.
Again with the fucking hissing shit. At least this time there are some S’s, so hissing is actually possible.
Christian Grey: Not-So-Secretly a King Cobra since 2011.
“Come on, baby,” he growls through gritted teeth and on cue, like the sorcerer’s apprentice I am, I let go, and we find our release together.
“like the sorcerer’s apprentice I am.”
WE’VE DONE IT.
WE’VE FOUND THE MOST RIDICULOUS LINE IN ALL OF LITERATURE.
WELL DONE, NICE JOB GUYS.
TIME TO CRACK OPEN THAT CHAMPAGNE AND POUR IT INTO OUR FUCKING EYES BECAUSE WE WILL NEVER, EVER UNSEE THE HORROR THAT WE’VE JUST WITNESSED.