Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 5 [Part 1]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

I have a really horrible headache right now. Just took some ibuprofen and drank some tea and now I’m drinking water. GONNA POWER THROUGH.

Also instead of scheduling these, I’m posting them in real time. And I have to go eat dinner at 9:30, so there will probably be a break in the action. Just FYI.

ANYWAY.

RECAP: Ana and Christian finish boning, eat dinner, start arguing about the fact that Christian just bought Ana’s company because he wanted to protect her or some bullshit, and Christian just ignores all of Ana’s ideas like always and then she gives up arguing. They then decide to have sex involving vanilla ice cream, resulting in one of the stickiest sex scenes I’ve ever read. After, they’re talking and we find out that Creepy Stalker Girl is one of Christian’s ex-subs named Leila, who tried to commit suicide in Christian’s apartment while Christian was in Georgia stalking visiting Ana. The next day, Ana gets mad at Christian because he gives her back the car that he bought for her without asking her, and it’s all really stupid but they just give up arguing and don’t solve any of their problems. Then Ana wants to get her hair cut and Christian takes her to a salon that he owns, because he just owns everything, but apparently the manager or co-owner of the store is Mrs. Robinson, and DUM BUM BUMMM she’s at the salon that day.

Shit is about to get real, you guys.

-Chapter Five-

Ana asks the receptionist who Christian is talking to, and the receptionist confirms that it’s Mrs. Robinson, whose real name is Mrs. Lincoln, which is weird because she’s supposed to be divorced. Or something. Christian spends FOREVER talking to her, and we get like 20 billion pages of Ana describing their gestures, and all of it is boring and useless information, like 90% of this book seems to be.

Finally, Christian comes over to talk to Ana. When Ana turns out to be mad at him, he’s all shocked, like he doesn’t understand why she’s mad, even though he knows very well how Ana feels about Mrs. Robinson.

AND THEN when Ana says she wants to leave, Christian is all like “omg why”.

MAYBE BECAUSE YOUR EX-DOM WHO ANA CLEARLY DOESN’T LIKE IS THERE AND ANA DOESN’T WANT TO TALK TO HER?

What the fuck do you mean “why.” Christian, you are really dumb sometimes. I mean, Ana’s reaction to Mrs. Robinson is kind of over the top, but you already knew how she felt, why even act confused?

They leave the salon, and talk a little bit, and Ana says she still wants to get her haircut, just not there, and Christian offers to have one of the stylists, Franco, come to Christian’s apartment to cut Ana’s hair, because apparently when you’re rich enough you don’t ever have to leave your house to do anything.

Christian answers his phone, and we hear him say “Killed in a car crash? When?” which is kind of alarming, and suddenly I’m way more interested in this chapter.

[PS, it’s been like 10 pages without a single thing happening, and nothing worth quoting. I’m bored out of my mind currently.]

Christian continues talking on the phone, and it’s actually a good way to build suspense because I just want to know what the fuck is going on.

“She’s here,” Christian continues. “She’s watching us.”

Jesus christ, what the fuck is going on?!

“Leila left her husband about three months ago and ran off with a guy who was killed in a car accident four weeks ago.”

Welp. That was…anticlimactic. Back to not caring about this whole chapter.

Then Christian demands that Ana come back to his apartment and stay there because Leila is on the loose and I guess now they think she’s dangerous to people other than herself? And he calls and asks the salon to send Franco to come meet them to cut Ana’s hair. He also blatantly disregards Ana’s request to finish their discussion about Mrs. Robinson, but that’s pretty much his MO, avoiding all meaningful discussion about important issues. What a great boyfriend.

“You are coming back to my apartment if I have to drag you there by your hair.”

seriously black widow

Seriously? Seriously.

Maybe if you didn’t CONSTANTLY THREATEN HER, Ana would trust you more and would actually communicate with you.

And THEN, when Ana refuses to go with him because she’s pissed at him, he says he’ll pick her up and carry her, and then she says he wouldn’t dare, and then BIG SURPRISE, he picks her up anyway because what Ana wants doesn’t matter to him when it conflicts with what HE wants, because he’s a misogynistic asshole.

“He’s doing it for her protection!”

She’s a fucking adult, she doesn’t need a man’s protection. If she doesn’t want to go with Christian, she doesn’t have to. She’s a human being, not his fucking pet.

Ana finally says she’ll walk, and Christian puts her down. Ana spends the rest of the walk really fucking pissed at Christian, for good reason.

It then dawns on her that Christian didn’t ask her to stay at his place the day before, so Leila must be a threat now, so something must have changed.

“[Leila] managed to obtain a concealed weapons permit yesterday.”

Oh SHIT.

PLEASE GOD GIVE ME A CRAZY EX WITH A MACHINE GUN. OR A FLAME THROWER. OR SOMETHING AWESOME.

MAYBE SHE CAN THROW KNIVES AND SHIT. THAT WOULD BE PRETTY SWEET.

I just want this threat to actually be something scary and not just “Oh she has a gun but WOOPS she dropped it so now it’s safe and nothing bad ever happens to us so let’s just go take a bath in my solid gold bathtub full of money.”

Is it bad that I just want a ton of bad things to happen to every character in this book?

The worst thing that’s happened so far is that Christian beat Ana with a belt (after she asked him to) and then she left him. But that problem got resolved LITERALLY two chapters later, so it wasn’t much of a problem.

Bad things happen in stories. It’s a fact of life. Bad things happen to good people, and it sucks, but they deal with it, because that’s how life works. No one wants to read a story about someone who has a constantly awesome life and tons of money and tons of awesome sex.

…except apparently people DO want to read that story. I guess it’s a form of wish fulfillment or something. Doesn’t make it any less ridiculous and frustrating though.

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4 thoughts on “Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 5 [Part 1]

  1. You talk about equality and independence a lot, as well as how it’s important for people to have their own opinions and be respected for that. Please refrain from using ‘Jesus’ as a curse, because it’s important for Christians to have their own opinions too.

    • I’m sorry that you’re offended by my use of “Jesus,” but as I am not really a Christian I am not bound by the laws of Christianity that tell you to not take the Lord’s name in vain. I understand that you find this wrong, but telling me that I’m not allowed to use the word “Jesus” how I want because your religion doesn’t allow it is like telling me that I’m also not allowed to eat meat on Fridays during Lent.

      I am not telling Christians that they aren’t allowed to believe in Jesus or God or whatever they want. My use of the word “Jesus” doesn’t take away Christians’ rights to their opinions, just as my use of the phrase “Dick-waffles” doesn’t make “dick-waffles” a real thing.

      Again, I am sorry that you are offended by my use of Jesus’ name. My own personal belief is that Jesus would be pretty cool with it. If you disagree, that’s fine. I respect your opinion, but I am not bound by it.

  2. Uhm… question:

    Leila has tried to commit suicide roughly about a fortnight ago. Her mental situation must have been documented by the hospital. I’m not overly familiar with the weapons law in the USA (and neither is E.L. James, I trust), but how can Leila get a permit with that medical history? (Mind you, according to Grey, she got her permit yesterday.)

    That means Grey has covered the whole wrist cutting thing up by calling his super-private doctor, and the both of them just sent a suicidal person away with some half-arsed bandages. Smooth move.

    • I’m actually not familiar with USA weapons laws either, but I honestly wouldn’t be surprised to find out that they regularly allow mentally ill people to buy firearms.

      HOWEVER. Christian refuses to get the police involved EVEN WHEN LEILA IS ARMED AND DANGEROUS, and that’s pretty dumb. Everything Christian does is pretty dumb, to be honest.

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