Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 5 [Part 2]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

Christian and Ana get back to Ana’s apartment so she can pack some things for her stay with Christian.

While packing, Ana tells Christian that Kate’s brother is coming back on Tuesday, and he’s staying in the apartment until he can find his own place in Seattle. Christian is instantly super jealous and weird about it, because apparently the thought of Ana being in the same place as a dude infuriates him.

They get outside and are going to take Ana’s new(ish) car, except Christian refuses to let Ana drive it? And when she calls him out on it he’s just an asshole and demands she get in the car.

What the fuck, dude, you can’t just give her a car and then refuse to let her drive it? You, my friend, are an asshole.

While in the car, they talk briefly about Christian’s past subs. We find out they were all brunette, which seems like an important piece of information that will come up again later, considering how much page time was spent on it.

They discuss his business relationship with Mrs. Robinson, and Christian sort of implies that something bad happened to her husband? Or something?

[Mrs. Robinson] lent you her husband’s money?”
He nods and a small mischievous smile appears on his lips.
“That’s terrible.”
“He got his own back,” Christian says darkly as he pulls into the underground garage.

What does that even mean? I hope it means something bad. I want this book to turn into a bad soap opera, with tons of spying and intrigue and murder and shit. As it is now, it’s just bad. Turning into a bad soap opera would actually make this book better, which is something I never thought I’d say about anything.

They get up to Christian’s apartment and he says he has to go make phone calls (when is he not on his fucking phone?). Ana wanders down to the room that was supposed to be “her” room according to the old Dom/Sub arrangement. The closet is still full of clothes, and one of the dresses still has a price tag attached. Apparently it cost $2,998, which is LUDICROUS because the last dress I bought was $30 and the most expensive dress I’ve ever had was my prom dress which cost about $450 I think. And I had a damn nice prom dress. So basically that price tag is BLOWING MY FUCKING MIND.

Ana is upset about the amount of money spent on her, and decides to call her mom to help her calm down.

“What’s wrong? Still not worked it out with Christian?”
“Mom, it’s complicated. I think he’s nuts. That’s the problem.”
“Tell me about it. Men, there’s just no reading them sometimes.”

thank you for your input

Seriously? Seriously.

Ana: Mom, my boyfriend seems crazy.
Mother: LOL BOYS WILL BE BOYS.

You are a shitty mother. If I called my mom and told her my boyfriend was nuts, she would teleport to meet me using the sheer power of her concern for my well-being. That’s what parents do. They worry. And if you tell them something like that, they usually get REALLY CONCERNED.

But Ana’s mom is just totally fine with her daughter dating a crazy dude, because that’s just how guys are?

No wonder the woman has been married four times.

Christian comes in, and Ana hangs up with her mom. They discuss their relationship briefly, and Ana asks why Christian wants her, instead of some obedient submissive woman, and he basically says that he’s bored of submissive people and Ana makes him look at the world differently.

Again, this book is sending the message that if you just love someone enough, they’ll completely change their wants and needs for you.

THAT ISN’T HOW IT WORKS.

Ughhh I hate this book so much and it’s only chapter 5. Jesus.

Welp, Franco shows up.

Franco is small, dark, and gay. I love him.

annoyed with paper

I’m glad one of his defining features is his sexuality.

If he was straight, would you have said “small, dark, and straight?” Probably not. Who gives a shit if he’s gay.

“Such beautiful hair!” he gushes with an outrageous, probably fake Italian accent.

UGHHH THE STEREOTYPES IN THIS BOOK ARE LITERALLY INSANE.

WHY IS HE SO OVER THE TOP.

WHY COULDN’T HE JUST BE A NORMAL HAIRDRESSER.

“But he’s so fun to read!”

YES, PERPETUATING SILLY STEREOTYPES BY WRITING SHITTY, ONE-DIMENSIONAL, INSULTINGLY STEREOTYPICAL SIDE CHARACTERS IS REALLY FUN.

I’M HAVING SO MUCH FUN RIGHT NOW.

HAH

HAH

HAH.

Franco cuts Ana’s hair, and then they go out and show Christian the finished product, because Christian was waiting in the living room.

“See! I tell you he like it,” Franco enthuses.
“You look lovely, Ana,” Christian says appreciatively.
“My work ‘ere is done,” Franco exclaims.

WOW, E.L. James is HORRIBLE at writing accents.

I’m not even close to being Italian and even I’m offended.

Am I overreacting? I might be overreacting.

I just find it kind of ridiculous that E.L. James thinks that Italians who speak English automatically sound like fucking Mario.

Luigi Franco leaves, and Ana and Christian start dancing around the discussion that they’ve been trying to have all chapter. Finally, Ana spits it out.

“What’s bothering me? Well, there’s your gross invasion of my privacy, the fact that you took me to some place where your ex-mistress works and you used to take all your lovers to have their bits waxed, you manhandled me in the street like I was six years old–and to cap it all, you let your Mrs. Robinson touch you!” My voice has risen to a crescendo.

See, this list is super legitimate and Ana has every right to be pissed about all of these things, but then she says “to cap it all,” as if letting Mrs. Robinson touch him is the worst thing on the list. Worse than invading Ana’s privacy by knowing her bank account number, buying the company she works for (and threatening to buy EVERY company she works for if she should ever leave where she works now), knowing her address, her mother’s address, the address of the old place Ana used to work…the list of stalking goes on and on.

ALSO, the “manhandling” part is a legitimate thing to be concerned about, except she shouldn’t be upset because it was childish, she should be upset because Christian BLATANTLY DISREGARDED EVERYTHING ANA WAS SAYING AND PICKED HER UP BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T WANT TO GO WITH HIM.

THAT IS REALLY. REALLY. FUCKED UP.

Then Christian gives her some bullshit line about how he lets Mrs. Robinson touch him because “she knows where” and Ana touching him freaks him out because “it just means more…so much more.”

Ugh. Puke. Over-sentimental bullshit. Ughh.

But then she tries to touch him and he freaks out and backs away and says “Hard limit.” He refuses to say WHY it’s a hard limit, though, except we kind of already know it has to do with his “Crack Whore” birth-mother, and for whatever reason he can’t talk about it even though it happened when he was THREE GODDAMNED YEARS OLD.

Everything about this is stupid.

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