Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 5 [Part 3]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

“So, the rest of your list. Invading your privacy.” His mouth twists as he contemplates this. “Because I know your bank account number?”
“Yes, that’s outrageous.”
“I do background checks on all my submissives. I’ll show you.”

Since when does a background check give you a person’s bank account number?

Christian then shows Ana a manila folder full of all the background check stuff he has on her. Her birth certificate, the signed NDA from book 1, her social security number, resumé, employment record…. absolutely ridiculous.

“This is fucked up. You know that?”
“I don’t see it that way. What I do, I have to be careful.”

Okay, I get it that as a big famous person you want to be careful. I get it.

However, to say that you don’t see this as being fucked up is a little ridiculous.

“I’m not fucked up, I just keep detailed records of all the people I sleep with, including their bank accounts, email passwords, pin numbers, embarrassing high school photos, their favorite foods, their romantic history, their DNA sequence, a list of their doctors, their shoe size, their cup size, their menstrual cycle, and at least one embarrassing snapshot of them at a Christmas party.”

[Please get that joke. Please. Someone.]

ANYWAY.

Seriously it’s fucked up, Christian. Very fucked up. Just admit it. It’s okay to be fucked up, you’ve admitted it before. I don’t know why you’re trying to deny it now.

Then they start talking about how much money Christian makes, and apparently he makes One Hundred Thousand Dollars an HOUR.

Fuck you.

Fuck you so hard.

You make enough in an hour to do all of the following:

  • Pay off all my student loans
  • Pay off the rest of my sister’s student loans
  • buy me a car
  • AND pay for a family vacation down to Florida for 3 weeks.

AND THERE WOULD STILL BE SOME LEFT OVER.

SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK.

People see this as wish fulfillment? Really? Reading this makes them feel GOOD?

Reading this just pisses me off. Rich fucking bastard.

Then Ana decides that arguing is pointless (because it is) and offers to cook.

“What would Sir like to eat?”
He smirks. “Whatever Madam can find,” he says darkly.

How do you smirk and then say something darkly? How does that even happen. I mean, unless you’re a serial killer…which, honestly, isn’t off the table yet.

WHAT IF CHRISTIAN’S EX SUBS ARE ACTUALLY HIS VICTIMS.

AND LEILA IS THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY AND HE NEEDS TO FIND HER AND KILL HER SO SHE DOESN’T TELL.

I THINK I JUST WROTE A BETTER PLOT IN 5 SECONDS THAN E.L. JAMES DID IN HOWEVER MANY YEARS THIS PILE OF SHIT TOOK TO WRITE.

A bunch of really boring stuff happens. Ana cooks, they make out, Taylor comes home and gives Christian some news which Christian refuses to share with Ana, they eat, Christian talks about growing up and learning french and martial arts and shit. It’s all really fucking boring. Your welcome.

Christian tells Ana that he’s ordered additional security for the next few days because of the Leila situation, and he doesn’t want Ana going anywhere alone. I guess that’s pretty sensible, now that Leila has a gun and shit. I still think he’s a controlling fuck, but I guess it’s sort of good in this situation, maybe.

Later, Ana is in her room on her computer and Christian comes in with a tube of lipstick. He proposes that they map out the areas where Ana can touch him, which Ana suggested before.

With lipstick? Really? Alright?

“What about something more permanent like a Sharpie?”
“I could get a tattoo.” His eyes are alight with humor.
Christian Grey with a tatt? Marring his lovely body, when it’s marked in so many ways already? No way!
“No to the tattoo!” I laugh to hide my horror.

THIS JUST IN: TATTOOS ARE GROSS AND MAKE YOU UGLY, ACCORDING TO ANASTASIA STEELE, THE EXPERT ON EVERYTHING.

Seriously? I’m sorry my tattoo is “marring” my body. I mean, you can not like tattoos, but to basically say tattoos ruin how someone’s body looks is absolutely preposterous.

So Christian guides Ana’s hand and helps her draw a square around his rib cage/chest area, and then he has her mirror the same square on his back. While doing so, Ana counts 7 small, round scars (I think they’re cigarette burns) on his chest and 9 on his back. That’s pretty sad, I’m not going to lie.

And then when she’s done, Ana throws herself at him and they start making out, and I assume they start boning, although it’s not explicitly said.

-End of Chapter Five-

Well that was a largely boring chapter.

In the next chapter they’re going to a party at his parents’ house though, so I’m sure next chapter will be splendidly awful in every possible way.

See you Friday!

Sorry these got posted so late! I would say it won’t happen again, but you know me, I’m horrible at blogging. I’ll do my best, though!

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One thought on “Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 5 [Part 3]

  1. Just want to point out that if Christian truly made 100,000 an hour, in a week, assuming he worked a 40 hour workweek, he would make 16,000,000 a month. I don’t even think we need to mention how ridiculous that is, considering the president only makes 500,000 A YEAR. Basically Christian Grey is bankrupting the world five times over on a yearly basis. How did EL seriously not think that through? Not a thousand dollars per hour, which is still obscene, but a hundred thousand? Seriously? It is impossible to make that much money an hour.

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