[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]
I’m back! And exhausted!
I saw The Postal Service last night in Chicago. They announced that it would be their last show ever, and I seriously can’t even begin to describe how amazing it was.
What was NOT amazing was getting home at 3 AM, falling asleep around 4 or 4:30, and then waking up at 9 AM to go help out at dance camp.
But here I am! Let’s read some shitty literature!
RECAP: Christian and Ana leave Mrs. Robinson’s salon, and Christian gets a phone call about Leila. He demands that Ana come and stay at his place until Leila is captured. When Ana initially refuses, because she’s still really pissed at him, he threatens to drag her there by her hair, and then ends up picking her up against her will to take her to a place she expressly said she doesn’t want to go. What a dick. We find out Leila has obtained a weapons permit, and I hope she comes and shoots them all in their stupid faces. Christian has an insultingly stereotypical gay Italian man come to his place to cut Ana’s hair. Ana yells at Christian some more, but, as per usual, he manages to avoid most of the argument and never really addresses any of Ana’s concerns. We also find out that Christian apparently makes ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS PER HOUR, which I’m pretty sure isn’t even fucking possible. Christian decides to have Ana draw on him with lipstick to outline the places where she’s allowed to touch him. After she’s done, she throws herself at him.
Ugh the chapter opens with them making out. Really? Really. Is this really necessary.
“I want to feel you,” he says greedily against my mouth as his hands move behind me to undo my bra.
I want to vomit on everything.
Boy, I want him inside me, now.
Why the FUCK did you start that sentence with “boy.” That’s like saying “Gee golly wiz, I want his dick so bad.”
It goes from Leave It To Beaver to…well, the porn parody of Leave It To Beaver. I’m sure one exists. The word “beaver” is already in the title. It’s practically begging for a porn parody.
With his mouth, he toys with my nipple, pulling at it, making me squirm and write and yearn for him. I sense his longing mixed with–what? Veneration. It’s as if he’s worshipping me.
I mean, I know that’s how I worship things. Nipple-sucking. It makes going to church pretty awkward.
How do you “sense” veneration? Are your nipples just Emotion Antennae? None of this makes any sense, as usual.
And then they start boning and it’s pretty much the same as every other time except Ana is on top, which they’ve done before in the first book but not in this one yet. Ooo how new and exciting.
They don’t do any other positions, they just bone for maybe a minute and then orgasm at the same time.
THIS IS NOT HOW MOST SEX WORKS. I DOUBT IT’S HOW ANY SEX ACTUALLY WORKS. 60 SECONDS OF THRUSTING DOES NOT CREATE TWO ORGASMS.
Unless, of course, you’ve got the patented Christian Grey Miracle Dick.
[please someone make that a dildo.]
Afterwards, they start cuddling, and somehow conversation shifts to Ana’s lack of self esteem and how she doesn’t realize how pretty she is even though literally every character in this book who is in possession of a penis is in love with her.
Ana then wants to touch Christian everywhere that she’s allowed, and she does except somehow that means that conversation rolls back around to Mrs. Robinson.
“You see red whenever I mention her. My past is my past. It’s a fact. I can’t change it. I’m lucky that you don’t have one, because it would drive me crazy if you did.”
What a delightful double standard! “You’re not allowed to get mad about my past relationships but if you had any past relationships I would be SO MAD ABOUT THEM.” What.
Ugh and then they have sex again, but we’re not forced to read about it. Thank god.
Later, Ana goes and takes a shower, and we are subjected to pages upon pages of her useless internal dialogue.
To be honest…I’d rather read the sex scenes.
As Ana is getting ready (they’re going to some fancy party at Christian’s parents’ house), Christian comes in and ogles her while she’s putting on her lingerie, which includes a corset for no real reason. I guess it’s to wear under her dress? Idk.
Christian then holds out his hand, and in it are two silver balls. The silver balls that, several chapters ago, he put in Ana’s vagina before he spanked her, and apparently they felt amazing.
“I thought you could wear these tonight.”
Like a piece of vagina jewelry? What?
Christian offers to put them in after Ana has put her shoes on. For whatever reason, she can’t put them in herself?
Also the shoes she’s wearing cost $3,000, and are 5 inches high. That’s a brilliant idea. Put the apparently super clumsy girl in giant monster heels. I’m sure that will go well. Of course, Ana is only clumsy when it’s convenient to the plot, so I guess she’ll be fine.
So they put the balls in and it’s all erotic and Christian gets a boner, but I’m pretty sure he just always has a boner, so whatever.
Christian gives Ana a pair of earrings that he apparently got for her before she broke up with him, and the earrings are diamond and probably cost more than my college education. Rich bastard.
Ana finishes getting ready and heads down to find Christian. She looks stunning, of course, and I’m surprised Christian’s boner doesn’t rip out of his dress pants. He gives her another present, this time a silver masquerade mask, because I guess it’s a masked ball.
I see what you did there, whoever designed the cover of this book.
Something really important better happen at this damned ball.