Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 7 [Part 1]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

RECAP: Christian and Ana bone a lot. They sometimes start to discuss feelings and things, but then almost immediately stop doing that to resume boning. After they bone like 30 times, Ana starts getting ready for some fancy ball at Christian’s parents house. Christian comes in and suggests Ana puts in the silver vagina balls for the night, even though that doesn’t sound like any fun at all. She does, and then finishes getting ready. Christian gives her a mask, because apparently it’s a masquerade ball. Once at the ball, we get a bunch of useless descriptions of things, like the dinner menu and the decorations. Boring. Ana ends up taking out the silver vagina balls and shoving them in her purse, which I’m sure is very sanitary. After dinner, there’s an auction, and Ana goes into a trance or something and unwittingly bids $24,000 on a week long stay at Christian’s vacation home in Aspen, Colorado. That is coincidentally the same amount of money that Christian got for selling Ana’s car without asking her. Needless to say, Christian is pissed.

And now onto Chapter 7! Hopefully it’s not as horrendously boring!

-Chapter Seven-

Holy shit, did I really just do that? It must be the alcohol. I’ve had champagne plus four glasses of four different wines.

Jesus, Ana, it’s like your trying to get drunk.

[although if Christian Grey were my boyfriend, I’d probably spend a lot of time drunk too.]

Also, if you’re really *that* drunk, why is your narration so coherent?

OH RIGHT that’s because E.L. James isn’t a very good writer. This is in First Person, Present Tense. Which means Ana is explaining everything to us as she’s experiencing it. So if she’s drunk enough to unwittingly bid on something at an auction, this whole chapter should be much more jumbled up and her perception should be completely fucked.

But it’s not, because she’s not actually that drunk, E.L. James just needed her to bid on that vacation in Aspen to push the plot forward, but instead of Ana doing something bold under her own power, James instead had her do something while not under her own power, probably because James knew that the reader wouldn’t be able to believe it if Ana were to suddenly develop a backbone of any kind.

Basically Ana is a weak, shitty character and no one should want to be her or should idolize her and this whole book is a pile of poop.

Moving on.

[Christian] kisses my cheek and then moves closer to whisper in my ear in a very cold, controlled voice.
“I don’t know whether to worship at your feet or spank the living shit out of you.”

YOU ALREADY TOLD HER YOU WOULDN’T HIT HER LIKE THAT AGAIN. YOU TOLD HER NO PUNISHMENTS. YOU’RE FULL OF SHIT.

Also why are you debating whether to worship her. What did she do that makes you happy. I don’t understand.

And then suddenly they’re both like, really turned on? God, can’t these two go two fucking minutes without fucking?

Slowly and surreptitiously, so I don’t realize his game until it’s too late, he eases my hand up his leg and against his erection. I gasp, and my eyes dart in panic around the table, but all eyes are fixed on the stage. Thank heavens for my mask.
Taking full advantage, I slowly caress him, letting my fingers explore. Christian keeps his hand over mine, hiding my bold fingers, while his thumb skates softly over the nape of my neck. His mouth opens as he gasps softly, and it’s the only reaction I can see to my inexperienced touch.

too old for this shit

Ana, you are secretly jerking your boyfriend off through his pants while at dinner at his parents’ house.

ARE YOU IN FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL.

ARE YOU GONNA GO DRY HUMP UNDER A BLANKET WHILE PRETENDING TO WATCH A MOVIE.

ARE YOU GONNA START STEALING HIS PARENTS’ ALCOHOL AND DRINKING SECRETLY WITH YOUR FRIENDS IN THE BASEMENT?

STOP IT.

This is seriously just disgusting. Also, he’s wearing dress pants. Everyone will be able to see his majestic Boner To End All Boners through his flimsy dress pants, unless he’s got the damn thing tied down like a wild dog.

ALSO WHAT IS THE END GAME HERE. What, are you just going to make him jizz in his pants? Really? Really. What the fuck is even happening.

Sadly, the jizzing never occurs, because Mia comes over and tells Ana that it’s time for the First Dance Auction. Damn. I really wanted to see if he’d really cum in his own pants at a fancy party.

“The first dance will be with me, okay? And it won’t be on the dance floor,” he murmurs lasciviously into my ear.

Ohhhh so that’s what this is. It’s one of those things where they auction off ladies to dudes who want to dance with them. How charming.

“Now, gentlemen, pray gather round, and take a good look at what could be yours for the first dance. Twelve comely and compliant wenches.”
Jeez! I feel like I’m in a meat market.

“Caitlin, it’s just a joke, c’mon, lighten up! He clearly doesn’t mean it! Can’t you take a joke?”

*Immediately bursts into flames from my incredible rage*

Even if it is a joke, it’s not particularly funny. I’ve never really found calling women “wenches” to be amusing.

So the first woman gets purchased (the guy who wins the bid is literally referred to as her “purchaser,” which is repulsive) for $5,000.

“See? This is fun!” whispers Mia. “I hope Christian wins you, though…We don’t want a brawl,” she adds.

Oh, yes, because Mr. “I make ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS AN HOUR” Grey can totally lose an auction like this.

Then Mia reveals that apparently Christian used to be very “hot-headed” when he was younger. Gee, what a shocker.

Apparently he used to get in fights all the time when he was a teenager, and it all mysteriously stopped when he was around 15…conveniently the age when he and Mrs. Robinson began their…uh…relationship.

Interesting.

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