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Well, it looks like this chapter is going to take FOREVER.
I might have to split this one up and finish it on Friday… We’ll see.
Finally, Ana is up for auction. Christian starts the bidding at $10,000, which is roughly what he makes in 6 minutes, so I’m not very impressed.
But then, what’s this? There’s a counter offer for $15,000.
Apparently Ana’s babe powers are even stronger than I previously realized.
But then Christian isn’t mad at the other guy? And seems to know him? And just smiles “ironically” at him? I don’t know how Ana knows it’s an ironic smile, but whatever.
Oop, but then Christian bids $100,000. Good job! You worked so hard for a whole hour to make that much money! At least it’s going to charity, I guess. Christian wins, and then escorts Ana towards the exit. Apparently they have 30 minutes until the auction ends, and you and I both know what they’re going to do in those 30 minutes. The rest of the people in that room probably know too. I mean, jesus, can you get more obvious? Especially since I’m sure they can still all see his boner.
Oh for the love of god. He takes her to his old bedroom.
THIS COULD NOT POSSIBLY GET MORE HIGH SCHOOL. SNEAKING OFF TO HIS BEDROOM TO FUCK. JESUS. H. CHRIST.
Apparently the room hasn’t changed much since he lived there.
The walls are hung with movie posters: The Matrix, Fight Club, The Truman Show, and two framed posters featuring kick boxers.
Oh, yeah, Christian would totally have a poster of Fight Club. Because that totally makes sense. Because Fight Club totally isn’t about taking down huge corporations and trying to destroy capitalism.
I wish Chuck Palahniuk was writing Fight Club now, in a post-50 Shades world. The things that Tyler Durden could complain about…
So they start undressing and Ana starts…begging…to be…spanked?
DID YOU ALREADY FORGET
WHAT MADE YOU
BREAK UP WITH HIM?
WHAT THE FUCK. WHY DID YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT THE PUNISHMENT FOR LITERALLY AN ENTIRE FUCKING BOOK, ONLY TO SAY “OH LOL JK I LIKE IT NOW HAHA”.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS HAPPENING.
So Christian makes Ana promise to safeword if she needs to, and he’ll stop immediately, which is good, but even if the pain was too much she probably wouldn’t safeword because she’s a spineless fucking lunatic who puts up about as much resistance to Christian’s wants and needs as a RealDoll.
He spanks her 12 times and then they have sex for about 10 seconds before they both cum at the same time, as they always fucking do, because that’s totally how it works every time in real life.
While they’re getting dressed, Ana notices a picture up on Christian’s wall that’s of a young woman who looks kind of familiar, but it’s not Mrs. Robinson and Christian refuses to tell Ana who it is, so she just drops it and they head back to the dance floor.
OH and apparently Ana is just a great dancer, because Christian is a great dancer, and it’s almost like Ana isn’t even clumsy at all ever, even though she calls herself clumsy all the time! It’s almost like she’s only clumsy when it’s convenient, and her clumsiness is forgotten about in every other part of the book, like the person who wrote this book wasn’t very good at writing or something! HOW STRANGE.
Oh shit. Then Christian’s therapist asks to dance with Ana. SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET REAL.
Except then it doesn’t. At all. And they just have boring conversation. Apparently Dr. Flynn is from London. It’s amazing how uninteresting this is. It’s like E.L. James went out of her way to make this part as uninteresting as possible.
OH GOD EXCEPT THEN ANA GOES TO THE BATHROOM BUT ON THE WAY THERE SHE RUNS INTO MRS. ROBINSON.
OKAY NOW SHIT IS ACTUALLY ABOUT TO GET REAL.
“I’m so glad you’re on your own,” she says softly. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you all evening.”
I HOPE MRS. ROBINSON MURDERS ANA.
PLEASE GOD GIVE ME A MURDER. PLEASE.
“I’ll be brief, Anastasia. I know what you think of me…Christian’s told me.”
OH SHIT GUYS.
COME ON LET’S GET A FIGHT UP IN HERE.
“It must be obvious to you that Christian is in love with you. I have never seen him like this, ever.” She emphasizes the last word.
That…doesn’t sound like the opening of a fight.
Come on, Ana, fuck her up!ayin
“I wish you both the best of everything. But what I wanted to say is if you hurt him again, I will find you, lady, and it won’t be pleasant when I do.”
Um…or…Ana can just continue not sg anything and Mrs. Robinson will continue being a pretty reasonable person…
WHERE’S THE MURDER. I SPECIFICALLY REQUESTED MURDER.
Then Ana like…giggles? Because she didn’t expect to hear that coming from Mrs. Robinson (aka Mrs. Lincoln)?
And then Mrs. Robinson is basically like oh you think this is funny bitch?
“I’m laughing at your audacity, Mrs. Lincoln. Christian and I have nothing to do with you. ANd if I do leave him and you come looking for me, I’ll be waiting–don’t doubt it. And maybe I’ll give you a taste of your own medicine on behalf of the fifteen-year-old child you molested and probably fucked-up even more than he already was.”
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have better things to do than waste my time with you.”
I’m sort of torn, though. I mean, Mrs. Robinson DID have a BDSM relationship with Christian when he was 15, which is weird and sounds like it was probably abusive, or at least was very confusing to a 15 year old.
On the other hand, Mrs. Robinson was being perfectly reasonable this whole time.