Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 8 [Part 1]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

[insert trumpet fanfare]

I LIVE!!

There’s still a bunch of phlegm in my throat for no reason, but I’m 94.7% better than I was on Monday!

Alright, let’s get this show on the road.

RECAP: After drunkenly bidding on and winning a vacation in Aspen at this charity ball at Christian’s parents’ house, Ana starts giving Christian an over-the-pants handjob at the dinner table. Unfortunately (fortunately for us), Mia interrupts and steals Ana away so she can take part in the First Dance auction, where women are auctioned off to men like cattle and referred to as wenches and the whole thing is so blatantly sexist that I don’t even know what to say about it. When it’s Ana’s turn, Christian bids first, of course, but then some other dude tries to outbid him. Of course, Christian still wins, because he makes $100,000 an hour, and that’s actually what he bids on Ana. Apparently Ana is worth an hour of Christian’s hard work! How sweet! The two steal off to Christian’s old bedroom, and Ana wants Christian to spank her, which he does, even though he said he wasn’t going to do that ever again, and Ana didn’t want him to do it ever again? I’m confused. Then they have sex for 30 seconds, orgasm simultaneously, and then get dressed. They head back downstairs and start dancing, but then the guy who tried to bid on Ana asks to step in, and he’s apparently Christian’s shrink. He and Ana talk for a few minutes while dancing, and then Christian takes her back.

Ana leaves to go to the bathroom, but on her way there she runs into Mrs. Robinson (LE GASP). Mrs. Robinson tries to talk reasonably to Ana, but Ana flips out (I’m still on the fence about whether or not this is justified). Mrs. Robinson also threatens to hurt Ana if she ever hurts Christian again. Christian intervenes, and Ana finally goes to the bathroom. When she comes out, Mrs. Robinson is gone, and Christian is on the phone with her telling her to leave Ana alone. They go back to the dance. Ana dances with Christian’s father, who reveals some information about Christian’s past (apparently Christian didn’t talk for 2 years after they adopted him). There are some fireworks, then the party ends, and they say goodbye to everyone.

On the way to the car, Christian tells Ana that he’s arranged to have Dr. Greene, the OB/GYN, come to his apartment to see Ana and give her a different method of birth control, because Ana is dumb and forgot to keep taking her pills. Ana tries to stand up to Christian and tells him that it’s her body, but Christian shoots that down and says “it’s mine, too,” and Ana just goes oh yeah you’re totally right, even though that’s BULLSHIT but whatever. They get in the car and find a note from Mrs. Robinson to Ana, giving Ana her number in case she wants to go out to lunch or something. They go back to Christian’s place, but find out that Ana’s car was vandalized, and the perpetrator might be in the apartment? And then Christian is a dumbass and decides he’s going to go into the apartment first because he thinks the perp is Leila, even though Leila has a goddamned GUN, and I really hope Christian gets shot.

WHEW. That was a long one. It’s been awhile. Anyway, here we go.

-Chapter Eight-

The security guys get yelled at by Taylor through their earpieces for letting Christian go in alone. Then, Ana, like an idiot, asks to go in, but the security guy, Sawyer, tells her she can’t.

What the fuck are you going to do to help, Ana? Ask Leila to shoot you and then yell at her for doing it?

And then Christian just comes back and is fine.

Why didn’t any of his security people go in after him?? I don’t understand anything.

Christian puts Ana to bed, because apparently she’s a child. She falls asleep, and then wakes up a few hours later, alone. In her groggy state, she thinks she sees a woman at the end of her bed, all in black, but after she turns on the lamp next to the bed, there’s no one there. I’m going to assume that was supposed to be Leila, because why spend all that time talking about this shadowy figure if it’s not actually important. Apparently Leila is a goddamned ninja.

Ana gets up to go find Christian, and finds him on the phone, because apparently 99.9% of his life is spent on the goddamned phone. We find out that he’s talking to Mrs. Robinson and telling her to leave Ana alone. He hangs up, and Ana comes in, and she asks to take his shirt off? Because these two literally can’t go two fucking pages without getting up on each other. Jesus.

They go back to the bedroom and find the balcony door open, even though it was definitely closed when they went to bed. Ana tells Christian about the shadowy figure, and he flips out, and rightly so, because that’s super fucking scary and I don’t know why Ana waited so long to tell Christian about it.

Ana and Christian get ready to leave, I guess they’re going to go stay in a hotel until the apartment is secure. We find out that apparently Ana’s stepdad Ray was in the army and has taught Ana how to use a gun.

Yes, let’s show the *clumsy* girl how to use a gun. I hope she’s actually really badass with a gun. We’ll probably never even find out.

They get in the car and head to a hotel where they’ll stay until it’s safe. While on the way, Ana asks Christian to tell her about his past, but he refuses because he doesn’t want to scare her off. Because nothing says “healthy relationship” like hiding information about yourself from your significant other because you’re scared of them leaving you. Yup. This is definitely a good romance.

GOD WHY IS THIS CHAPTER SO BORING.

IT’S ALREADY HALFWAY OVER.

blam fake suicide

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