Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 8 [Part 2]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

I didn’t even quote the book once in the last post. It’s been too boring to even make fun of. Or maybe this chapter is just not as awful as the rest so I can’t make fun if it as well.

…Nah. Definitely just boring.

Christian and Ana check into the hotel (as Mr. and Mrs. Taylor, because I guess they’re trying to be sneaky, even though I guarantee that won’t work). Apparently the hotel is the most expensive one in Seattle, which I should have expected.

They get up to the hotel room and immediately begin drinking, which…I would make fun of this response but honestly if a potentially armed ex-lover broke into my apartment and threatened my significant other, I’d probably want a drink too.

“You never cease to amaze me, Anastasia. After a day like today–or yesterday, rather–you’re not whining or running off into the hills screaming. I am in awe of you. You’re very strong.”

seriously black widow

Yes, because all you need to do to be a strong woman is to just stand there and let men take care of all the danger and bad things while you wring your hands.

Literally all Ana has done in this situation is DO NOTHING, so I don’t really know how that makes her strong?

Ugh, and then Ana starts undressing Christian again.

STOP IT. YOU’VE BOTH HAD A LONG DAY, CAN’T YOU GO 2 SECONDS WITHOUT BONING? YOU NEED TO GO TO BED.

I want nothing more than to run my tongue through his chest hair to savor his taste.

tgs puke gif

Nothing has ever sounded so unappetizing. Having hair in your mouth is one of the worst feelings ever, why would you LICK someone’s CHEST HAIR. That’s like saying “Damn, I dropped this lollypop on the floor of a dirty hair salon…DELICIOUS.”

Going to vomit. Ugh.

And then Ana just starts taking charge of the whole sexy thing?

I mean, this is cool and all, and I’m all in favor of ladies taking charge in the bedroom, but this is completely unprecedented, there hasn’t even been a HINT of character change, so this makes NO SENSE for Ana’s character.

Ana does what she’s told. Always. Even when she doesn’t like it. She might try and argue, but in the end she always does what she’s told.

And you’re telling me that suddenly, after a stressful day/night and a single glass of alcohol, she’s all dominant and in charge?

This is the girl who is too shy to even REFER TO HER CHERYL VAGINA BY NAME.

This is the girl who turned bright red when she even had to point to her own vagina, because she was that embarrassed by the fact that she owned a vagina.

This is NOT a girl who is self confident enough to take charge in the bedroom yet. Nothing about this scenario is believable.

So they have sex, and it’s pretty much the same sex they always have, except this time Christian wants it “slow,” so I guess it lasts a full 2 minutes, instead of 30 seconds.

But 2 minutes in heaven is better than 1 minute in heaven. Cause it’s business time.

[if you don’t understand that reference go watch this video right now: http://youtu.be/-GpTTf175aE]

They cuddle afterwards for a little while, and then fall asleep.

When Ana wakes up, Christian is watching her, because he’s a fucking creep.

“I could watch you sleep for hours, Anastasia. But I’ve only been here about five minutes.”

Yup, Christian was definitely based on Edward Cullen alright.

They eat breakfast, and then Dr. Greene shows up. Oh goodie.

“And you just stopped taking it? Just like that?”
I flush, feeling beyond foolish.
“Yes.” Could my voice be any smaller?
“You could be pregnant,” she says matter-of-factly.

oh snap

PLEASE GIVE ME SOME DRAMA. I BEG OF YOU.

“Here, go pee in this.” She’s all business today–taking no prisoners.

Yep, that’s definitely professional. That’s how my OB/GYN talks. “Here go take a piss in this cup, then we’ll do some sciencey shit on it to find out if you’re knocked up.”

Ana, of course, is petrified of being pregnant. Of course, she doesn’t seem to be scared of the responsibility of it, or how people’s opinions of you change when you get pregnant. No, what Ana is scared of is how Christian will react, because, in her words, “he’ll freak.”

A+ RELATIONSHIP, EVERYBODY. THIS IS DEFINITELY ROMANCE AND IS DEFINITELY NOT ABUSIVE IN ANY WAY.

HAH

HAH

HAH.

But, alas, Ana is not pregnant, because that would be too interesting, and we can’t have anything interesting happen in these books, that would just be preposterous.

Dr. Greene leaves, and Ana is in a weird mood, but doesn’t want to tell Christian why. When she finally does tell him, he’s clearly relieved that she’s not pregnant, but then Ana gets all pissy for some reason? And tells him that maybe they should abstain? And she keeps snapping at him for no reason and he doesn’t know what to do about it.

“Ana, I’m not used to this,” he murmurs. “My natural inclination is to beat it out of you, but I seriously doubt you want that.”

what tyra

WOMAN-FRIEND IN BAD MOOD. MUST BEAT WOMAN-FRIEND UNTIL IS HAPPY.

How is that even your first reaction to anything. Jesus. If that’s how you want to treat women, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with ANYONE.

They go and take a shower, and Christian asks Ana to wash of the remainder of the lipstick line that she drew on him in Chapter 6, to outline the areas where she shouldn’t touch. This is a really big step for him I guess, and her touching him in those areas bothers him a lot and it makes Ana cry because he’s been through so much.

I know this is supposed to be a really emotional scene and whatever, but I just…I don’t care. At all.

Ugh and then Ana starts telling him that she loves him and that he’s worthy of love and he keeps saying that he doesn’t have a heart and it’s all so stupidly dramatic. It’s like a Lifetime Original Movie on crack, I swear to god.

“You love me,” I whisper.
His eyes widen further and his mouth opens. He takes a huge breath as if winded. He looks tortured–vulnerable.
“Yes,” he whispers. “I do.”

i don't care 1

I don't care 2

i don't care 3

-End of Chapter 8-

It’s over!

That chapter was pretty lame, not going to lie.

I hope Chapter 9 is better. I should know better than to get my hopes up, though.

See you Friday! Unless I come down with another illness. There was another case of those Brain Eating Amoebas…maybe I’m next o_o.

Guess we’ll have to wait and see if I start hallucinating!

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