Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 9 [Part 2]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

The two get in the car and drive away. The car ride is mostly silent, until Christian says he needs to make a detour.

“Sure,” I murmur. Something is amiss. Suddenly, he looks grimly determined.
He pulls into the parking lot of large car dealership, stops the car, and turns to face me, his expression wary.
“We need to get you a new car,” he says.

Wait…what?

He says he needs to take a detour…but then just immediately pulls into a car dealership? That part wasn’t a typo, by the way. It really does say “the parking lot of large car dealership” in my version of the book.

Was that the detour? Why did he look so “grimly determined?”

I’m so confused. What is even going on.

Apparently Christian won’t even let Ana decide what kind of car she can get. He just says he’s getting her a Saab, I guess because it’s really safe.

And then he asks what color she wants, and she says black, and he won’t let her get black!

“Black’s not easily seen at night.”

THAT’S WHY CARS HAVE LIGHTS ON THEM, YOU BOTTLE OF VAGINA-GOO.

Of course, knowing Ana, she’s probably the kind of person who’s dumb and forgets to turn her lights on.

But she’s a GROWN. ASS. WOMAN. She can pick the color of the fucking car she wants. Jesus. H. Christ.

AND THEN HE TELLS HER SHE CAN ONLY HAVE SILVER OR WHITE.

GEE, CHRISTIAN, WHAT A SELECTION.

But then the salesman asks Ana if she’d like the convertible better, and Christian starts asking about the safety stats on it, so I guess now Ana is getting a convertible. It’s almost like she picked it out herself! Except she didn’t. But Ana’s happy, so I guess it’s good.

This man–God’s gift to women–loves me.

so incorrect

I…um…you know what, forget it. You guys know how I feel about that statement. If you’ve got a good response to that, feel free to leave it in the comments section, if I get enough responses maybe I’ll come back and add them in to this post in lieu of my response, because I am literally speechless right now.

But seriously. What the fuck.

The convertible is apparently at a dealership in Beverly Hills, but it’ll be up in Seattle in a few days. Ana and Christian leave the dealership to go get lunch. They stop at a marina for food, and apparently everyone there knows Christian.

Instead of getting wine, Christian opts to get a beer, because this is the only place in Seattle that you can get an “Adnam’s Explorer,” which has a score of 81 on BeerAdvocate, so I guess it’s a pretty good beer. I’m surprised Christian is even drinking beer, considering how much of a wine snob he is.

While they wait for their food, Christian asks Ana a bunch of questions about growing up, and about her family, and about her favorite books and movies and TV shows.

SHOULDN’T YOU TWO HAVE HAD THIS CONVERSATION AT THE BEGINNING OF YOUR GODDAMNED RELATIONSHIP.

OR AT LEAST…Y’KNOW…BEFORE YOU SAID THAT YOU LOVED EACH OTHER.

Also I really wish this part wasn’t summarized, because it would be really valuable for us to know more about our main character, and also half of the beauty of romance in books/movies/TV shows is the scenes where the two characters get to know each other better, because that’s when you can see them falling in love. In Pride and Prejudice (the BBC version), the best parts are when Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy have conversations, specifically when Elizabeth accidentally runs into him at Pemberly and they go walking together, or when Elizabeth and Colonel Fitzwilliam are playing the piano and Lizzie and Darcy have that adorable little banter.

What I’m trying to say is that this book is bad, and not only is it a bad book in general, it’s also a bad romance because you never get to see why the characters fall in love, you never get to see how compatible they are, all you get to see is them fucking or fighting.

I want some actual fucking dialogue. I want some character development. I want SOMETHING to redeem this book. So far nothing has.

After lunch, Christian again says he wants to show Ana something and…it’s…

For the love of fuck, it’s a boat. Of course it’s a boat. I should have figured he’d have a boat, on top of the helicopter, glider, personal jet, and the entire fucking fleet of cars that he already owns.

Rich bastard. It’s probably the size of my house.

Holy cow. It must be at least forty, maybe fifty feet. Two sleek white hulls, a deck, a roomy cabin, and towering over them a very tall mast.

Yup, definitely bigger than my house.

Lolol this is way funnier if you read it and imagine that he’s talking about his penis.

I’m sorry, I had to.

“Built by my company,” he says proudly and my heart swells. “She’s been designed from the ground up by the very best naval architects in the world and constructed here in Seattle at my yard.”

WHAT DOES YOUR COMPANY EVEN FUCKING DO.

So they take the boat out, and then Christian just has Ana start driving it while not really showing her what to do? I guess he’s got to go do something with the sails, and he’s just like “Oh yeah it’s super easy you just do this and make the boat go and you’ll be fine.” Because driving a boat is totally that simple.

Oh, also this guy Mac is on the boat helping them take it out. Just FYI. I don’t know why Mac couldn’t drive the boat while Christian did the sails stuff…? Whatever.

But then Mac leaves on some kind of inflatable boat thing, all so Christian and Ana can bone some more. Because all they do is bang. Because that’s all love is, apparently! Who knew!

Uuuuugggghhhhh and then there’s some foot fetish stuff and he kisses her feet and that grosses me out. Feet are gross. It’s cool if you’re down with foot fetish stuff, I’m not saying it’s wrong, I don’t want to kinkshame anybody. Feet are just really, really icky in my humble opinion, and putting feet in/around your mouth weirds me out.

I want to be sexy for this man. He deserves sexy–he makes me feel sexy.

god fucking dammit

NOPE.

LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE.

YOU SHOULD WANT TO BE SEXY FOR YOURSELF. IT DOESN’T MATTER IF ANYONE ELSE FINDS YOU SEXY, YOU SHOULD FEEL SEXY FOR YOURSELF AND YOURSELF ONLY, AND IF SOMEONE ELSE HAPPENS TO FIND YOU SEXY THEN THAT’S AWESOME BUT YOU SHOULDN’T DO IT FOR THEIR BENEFIT.

DO WHATEVER MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD. DON’T WORRY IF SOMEONE ELSE LIKES IT OR NOT. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK. WHAT MATTERS IS WHAT YOU THINK AND HOW YOU FEEL AND IF YOU THINK YOU’RE SEXY THEN YOU’RE SEXY, END OF STORY.

WHY THE FUCK DOES CHRISTIAN GREY “DESERVE” SEXY.

BECAUSE HE DOESN’T, OKAY. HE DOESN’T DESERVE ANYTHING BUT A LIFETIME OF THERAPY. HE FEELS THE NEED TO BEAT WOMEN. HE GETS BONERS FOR ABUSING WOMEN. HE SEEMS TO LIKE IT EVEN BETTER WHEN THE WOMAN DOESN’T LIKE IT. HE SEES WOMEN AS INFERIOR BEINGS.

HE

IS

A

DICK.

GOD DAMN EVERYTHING.

Ughhhhhhh.

Standing before him, I am naked and unashamed, and I know it’s because he loves me.

SELF ESTEEM PROBLEMS DON’T JUST MAGICALLY GO AWAY WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THEY LOVE YOU.

THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN.

HEY LADIES! IF YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF, JUST FIND A MAN TO FIX YOU!

WHAT THE FUCK. THIS FUCKING BOOK MAKES ME WANT TO MURDER EVERYONE.

And then they get all sexy on each other and it’s all gross and annoying and I just quit everything.

And then they orgasm simultaneously like they do EVERY. OTHER. FUCKING. TIME. Except this time it’s on a goddamned boat so I guess it’s supposed to be interesting and unique and not boring at all.

-End of Chapter Nine-

Every time a chapter ends with them orgasming simultaneously I want to throw up.

It’s happened at least 5 times, probably way more.

UUuuggghhhhh I’m so mad right now.

This whole series seems to be built specifically to drive me fucking insane.

Anyway.

See you Monday!

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