Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 11 [Part 1]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

RECAP: Basically this entire chapter is just Ana being stupid. I guess that pretty much describes every chapter, actually. Ana and Christian get off the boat and go out to dinner. While at dinner they discuss their relationship and Ana is all concerned about whether their relationship is “enough” for Christian. Christian assures her that it is. They get back to Christian’s apartment, and Christian tells Ana she’s not allowed out alone because they still don’t know where Leila is. Ana, instead of finding his condescension obnoxious, excuses him completely. Ana makes a sort of flirty comment that’s obviously a joke to Taylor, but Christian thinks this is horrible and gets all mad and jealous. Ana again just apologizes and lets Christian continue his ridiculous antics. Then, Christian tells Ana she’s not allowed to go to work. Ana FINALLY stands up for herself, and says she’s going to go to work no matter what. Christian finally says that he’ll send a security guard with her, which seems reasonable, but Ana still thinks this is ridiculous. Ana finally agrees, even though she still thinks it’s overbearing. Christian gives Ana a more thorough tour of his apartment, and they decide to play a game of pool in the billiards room. If Ana wins, Christian takes her back into the creepy murder room playroom. If Christian wins, they have sex on the pool table.

No matter who wins in this situation, we, the readers, will lose our lunch.

Let’s get this over with.

-Chapter Eleven-

With easy grace, Christian taps the white ball so that it glides across the table, kisses the black and oh-so-slowly the black rolls, teeters on the edge, and finally drops into the top right pocket of the billiard table.

That is one stupidly long sentence. Why. That could have been broken up into 3 sentences, or 4, but NOOO we had to cram all that useless information into one long, annoying, confusing-to-follow sentence.

Is this supposed to create suspense? Am I supposed to give a shit?

Oh, by the way, that means that Christian wins.

So we get a nice, vomit-worthy pool table sex scene. How delightful.

“You’re not going to be a sore loser, are you?” he murmurs, barely containing his grin.
“Depends on how hard you spank me,” I whisper, holding on to my cue for support.

HORRIBLE JOKE. 5 MINUTES IN THE PENALTY BOX.

bad joke penalty box

[bad joke penalty box is courtesy of Questionable Content, which you should go read right now.]

“Well, let’s count your misdemeanors, Miss Steele.” He counts on his long fingers. “One, making me jealous of my own staff. Two, arguing with me about working. And three, waving your delectable derriere at me for the last twenty minutes.”

Seriously? Seriously.

  1. She TALKED TO A GUY. What the fuck is WRONG with you.
  2. GOD FUCKING FORBID SHE WANT TO GO TO WORK AT A JOB THAT SHE’S REALLY EXCITED ABOUT.
  3. OH NO. SHE HAS A BUTT AND SHE MOVED IT WHILE TRYING TO PLAY POOL. HEAVEN FORBID SHE MOVE HER BUTT IN A WAY THAT YOU FIND SEXY.

EVERYTHING YOU THINK IN YOUR BRAIN IS WRONG, CHRISTIAN. I THINK YOU JUST BROKE THE WORLD RECORD FOR AMOUNT OF WRONGNESS IN ONE PERSON’S BRAIN.

When he turns and gazes at me, his eyes are burning. I stand paralyzed like a complete zombie, my heart pounding, my blood pumping, not actually able to move a muscle. In my mind, all I can think is–this is for him–the thought repeating like a mantra over and over again.

vandenberg flip off 1

vandenberg flip off 2

 

vandenberg flip off 3

 

vandenberg flip off 4

 

STOP.

STOP IT.

STOP IT RIGHT NOW.

YOU’RE SO FUCKING STUPID AND YOU SHOULDN’T BE IN A RELATIONSHIP IF THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS IN YOUR STUPID BRAIN WHEN THEY WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU.

YOU SHOULDN’T BE SO SCARED OF THEM THAT WHEN THEY LOOK AT YOU, WANTING TO HAVE SEX, YOU FREEZE LIKE A FUCKING DEER THAT’S ABOUT TO GET WRECKED BY A GODDAMNED SEMI-TRUCK.

YOU SHOULD WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM. YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TO STAND THERE FUCKING CONVINCING YOURSELF THAT IT’S A GOOD IDEA.

YOU SHOULDN’T BE DOING IT “FOR HIM.” YOU SHOULD BE DOING IT FOR YOU, BECAUSE SEX SHOULD FEEL AWESOME FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED, AND IF YOU’RE NOT INTERESTED IN HAVING SEX IN THAT MOMENT, YOU SHOULDN’T DO IT “FOR HIM,” YOU SHOULD SAY NO BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY NO BECAUSE IT’S YOUR FUCKING BODY AND IT’S YOUR DECISION WHETHER YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX OR NOT.

FUCK

THIS

ENTIRE

SERIES.

THIS IS AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. SHE’S TERRIFIED OF HIM. SHE DOESN’T FEEL SAFE SAYING NO. SHE HAS TO CONVINCE HERSELF TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM, AND SHE ONLY DOES IT BECAUSE IT’S WHAT HE WANTS.

GODDAMMIT.

Oh, and apparently he’s going to spank her with a ruler. I don’t know when she agreed to that, but I’m inclined to think that she didn’t  agree to that, and he’s not going to ask her if she’s okay with that, which is FUCKING STUPID because the last time he hit her with something (A FUCKING BELT) she left him (WITH GOOD FUCKING REASON).

He slips [the ruler] into the back pocket of his jeans and ambles toward me, eyes dark and full of promise.

Ambles? Ambles.

Now is not the time to use the word “ambles.” This is a sex scene, not a walk on the fucking beach. Pick your verbs carefully.

Christian starts undressing Ana, and he tells her he wants to be rough with her, so she’ll have to tell him to stop if it’s too much. No safe word, just “stop,” and he’ll stop.

I’m much happier to do this, knowing that he loves me.

Apparently it’s totally fine to hit a woman, as long as you tell her you love her. If you tell her you love her, she’s just totally fine with it.

What.

The.

Fuck.

Advertisements

One thought on “Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 11 [Part 1]

  1. Pingback: Caitlin Liveblogs the Fifty Shades trilogy: A Note on the Movie | Caitlin Liveblogs

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s