Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 12 [Part 1]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

WOOOAAAAHHHH WE’RE HALFWAY THERE

WOOOAAAAHHHH LIVIN’ ON A PRAYER

TAKE MY HAND, WE’LL MAKE IT I SWEAR

WOOOOAAAAAAHHH LIVIN’ ON A PRAYER!

Bon Jovi speaks to me.

We’re halfway done with this book, y’all.  Which means we’re also halfway done with this nightmare of a trilogy.

Let’s do this.

RECAP: Christian wins their game of pool so he gets to spank Ana and then fuck her on the pool table. He makes her promise to tell him to stop if/when it gets to be too much, although he fails to ask her if it’s okay to spank her with a ruler, which seems EXCEEDINGLY STUPID considering that hitting her with a belt made her leave. Ana deals with the pain by chanting “this is for him” over and over again in her head, because a healthy relationship is all about silently dealing with physical pain for the sake of your partner’s pleasure. Also, apparently being hit with a ruler hurts less if the person hitting you says they love you. Now tell me, how does this book NOT glorify abusive relationships?

The next day, Ana goes to work and proceeds to not work at all and instead emails Christian all day. Jack asks Ana to come with him to some convention in New York for a couple days later in the week, and it sounds like a really great career opportunity, although Jack is CREEPY AS HELL about it. Ana still wants to go, and thinks herself capable of fending him off, but Christian immediately tells her she can’t go, because apparently he’s her fucking dad. She basically tells him to go fuck himself because she’s going to this thing, but then, since Christian OWNS THE FUCKING COMPANY, he makes it so she’s not allowed to go. They argue through email for the rest of the day, before finally resolving to talk about it later in person. Ana goes out to get lunch for Jack, even though Christian made her promise not to leave work at all, and it turns out that Christian was HAVING ANA WATCHED and gets really pissed at Ana for leaving, even though she didn’t have a choice. Christian also mentions that he knows something sinister about what happened to Jack’s previous personal assistants. Ana has to work late to prepare stuff for Jack since now she’s not going to New York with him. Ana also gets an email from Mrs. Robinson asking to meet for lunch, because apparently “Leave Her Alone” doesn’t mean anything to Mrs. Robinson. Jack is terrifyingly creepy towards Ana, until Ana mentions that her boyfriend is THE Christian Grey, which is when Jack stiffly walks away and ignores Ana for the rest of the night.

Christian picks Ana up, and they’re kind of wary of each other, until they start making out. And then they have sex in the elevator, and it’s gross. BUT THEN they actually have an HONEST AND OPEN CONVERSATION about their feelings, except I don’t really know if anything gets resolved? But then they just start telling each other that they love each other and I want to puke on everything. And then Mrs. Robinson just shows up, because I guess she can just do that.

That was a really long recap, but the last chapter pissed me off SO FUCKING BAD.

Still not over how pissed off I am about the “this is for him” bullshit.

ANYWAY.

-Chapter Twelve-

So Mrs. Robinson just shows up, and is all “surprised” that Ana is at Christian’s apartment, since it’s Monday and he never had his Subs stay over during the week. She also claims to “accept” that Ana doesn’t want to talk to her, except I’m pretty sure “accepting” that would mean that she wouldn’t fucking email Ana at work asking to have lunch. That doesn’t sound like she’s “accepted” anything.

Mrs. Robinson, or Elena, as I suppose I should start calling her, since her name is Elena Lincoln, not Mrs. Robinson, says she has a problem that she needs to discuss with Christian. Elena clearly wants Ana to leave the room, but Christian says “Anastasia’s with me now,” so I guess they’re going to talk about some super secret shit.

Oh shit, apparently Elena is being blackmailed? Whoever it is is asking for $5,000, which is literally NOTHING to these people, but I guess we’re still supposed to see it as a big deal or something.

If you didn’t want to be blackmailed, Elena, maybe you shouldn’t fuck underage boys?

I don’t even know if that’s what’s being used to blackmail her, but I can only assume it’s something along those lines.

Ana decides to go to bed, since she feels out of place, which sucks because that means we don’t get to hear the rest of Christian’s conversation with Elena.

EXCEPT ANA JUST STANDS OUTSIDE THE ROOM AND EAVESDROPS, FUCK YEAH.

Christian offers to have his personal private investigator look into it, but Elena says: “No, Christian, I just wanted to share.”

are you kidding me

What the fuck is this, Show and Tell day at fucking kindergarten?

You don’t come over on a Monday night, unannounced, wanting to just “share” your bullshit. You’re stupid.

Then Elena starts commenting that Christian looks “happy,” and Christian replies that he IS happy, and she says he deserves to be, and he comes back with “I wish that were true.”

I swear to god, sometimes Christian sounds like he’s quoting a very angsty 8th grade diary entry.

“I wish that were true.”

Jesus. You’re 28 years old. If you’re still unable to deal with your stupid issues from when you were THREE YEARS OLD maybe you should be on some medication or seeing a different therapist. Or MAYBE you shouldn’t be in a RELATIONSHIP because YOU CAN’T EXPECT ANA TO DEAL WITH YOUR BULLSHIT AND/OR FIX YOU.

Then they get in an argument because Elena asks Christian if he misses his playroom, and Christian tells her it’s none of her business, and basically tells her to go fuck herself (although he doesn’t actually say that. I really wish he did.).

Finally, Elena agrees to have Christian’s investigator dude look into her blackmail shit.

They do sound like old friends, as Christian says. Just friends. And she cares about him–maybe too much. Well, who wouldn’t, if they knew him?

Who wouldn’t care about Christian?

Oh, I don’t know, maybe EVERY SANE PERSON IN THE ENTIRE WORLD BECAUSE HE’S A GIANT BACK OF COCKS?

Christian comes and meets Ana in the bedroom after Elena leaves, and when Ana asks to know more about his past with Elena, he gets really unreasonably pissed at Ana and screams at her?

Yup. He’s a real catch there, Ana. Good job.

Oh, and then he’s just fine? And asks Ana what she wants to know?

What the fuck is wrong with him.

They start talking about his relationship with Elena, and apparently Elena is the one who encouraged Christian to fly out to Georgia to go see Ana. She was probably trying to sabotage their relationship or something, by encouraging Christian to do the ONE THING that Ana asked him NOT TO DO.

Christian then says he’s “bored” of talking about this topic and decides to go do some work. Because that’s what you do when you’re having an important conversation about past relationships with your current girlfriend. He basically said “I know you want to know more about me, but I’m bored so fuck you.”

Oh, and apparently Ana’s new car arrived a day early. But she’s not allowed to drive it, according to Christian.

shakes head

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