Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 13 [Part 1]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

You may have noticed a few new pages up on top! I added a page for Legal stuff (because I don’t want to get sued) and a Character list (because it’s exhausting to constantly have to rehash who a person is).

So yeah! Have fun with those I guess?

Anyway, let’s do this.

RECAP: Elena comes over unannounced to talk to Christian, because she didn’t think he had company over. Ana feels uncomfortable. Elena says that she’s being blackmailed for $5,000, although it’s not clear how she’s being blackmailed (also $5,000 is literally NOTHING to these people so why even bother with the blackmail). Ana eavesdrops on the rest of Christian and Elena’s conversations, and Elena tells Christian that he seems happy and Christian is all weird and self-deprecating and Elena asks if he misses his playroom and he basically tells her to fuck off. Ana finally understands that they’re just friends and Christian isn’t going to cheat on her with Elena, but she still doesn’t like Elena. Elena leaves. Ana asks Christian more about Elena, but he gets all crabby about it and says he has to go “do work.” Ana reads a book and goes to sleep. She wakes up in the middle of the night to Christian playing piano (again), and she goes out to see him. They have a “discussion” about their problems but it’s really just Christian being a dick and not listening to anything Ana has to say. They have piano sex, and Christian LITERALLY SAYS “Argue with me, and I am going to take it out on your body somehow.” WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT. They go to bed.

The next day, Ana goes to work. On the way there, Christian gets a call from Elena saying that the blackmail incident was just her current submissive messing with her. At Ana’s job,  Jack is creepy, like always. Ana doesn’t really DO anything at work, she just emails Christian all day. Kate’s brother Ethan (I’m not sure if he’s older or younger…I thought he was younger, but then it says he’s older? I don’t know) is in town and is going to be living with Kate and Ana, so he stops by to pick up the keys from Ana. Ana asks Christian to pick her up after work so they can go meet Ethan and go out to dinner. Jack is creepy all day, calling Ana “honey” repeatedly. Christian picks Ana up, and they go to her apartment. Christian gets a phone call, so Ana goes up to get Ethan. Inside the apartment, instead of finding Ethan, she finds….

DUM BUM BUMMM

Leila.

Which is a really non-threatening name. I don’t know, I just have a hard time picturing someone scary when I hear the name “Leila.” It’s like giving a scary character the name “Daisy.”

ENOUGH SUSPENSE. LET’S GET ON WITH THE ACTION.

-Chapter 13-

She’s here, gazing at me with an unnerving blank expression, holding a gun My subconscious swoons into a dead faint, and I don’t think even smelling salts will bring her back.

Alright hold up.

This book is written in FIRST PERSON PRESENT TENSE.

That means that EVERYTHING WE’RE READING IS HAPPENING IN ANA’S HEAD IN REAL TIME.

So…we’re just supposed to believe that when a crazy girl with a gun is in your apartment, you’re going to start wondering how your imaginary friend is doing?

Are

You

Kidding

Me.

WHO GIVES A SHIT WHAT YOUR IMAGINARY SUBCONSCIOUS IS DOING. “SHE” ISN’T REAL.

THERE IS A VERY REAL GIRL WITH A VERY REAL GUN AND I WANT TO KNOW WHAT GUN-GIRL IS DOING BEFORE YOU START TELLING ME ALL ABOUT YOUR WEIRD MULTIPLE-PERSONALITY BULLSHIT.

She tilts her head to one side, regarding me as if I’m an exhibit in a freak show. Jeez, I’m not the freak here.

Yes, because having a mental breakdown makes you a freak.

I’m glad that, even when being threatened with a gun, Ana still has time to be an asshole about mental illness. “Oh, you’re about to shoot me with that gun? Can you hang on a second? I’ve got to secretly judge you in my head and call you names because you’re in desperate need of psychiatric help and that makes me uncomfortable so I need to make fun of you to feel better.”

She’s still wearing that grubby trench coat, and she looks desperately in need of a wash.

WHO GIVES A SHIT SHE’S HOLDING A GUN.

IS THIS WHAT NOT TO WEAR: MURDERERS EDITION? ARE STACEY AND CLINTON GOING TO WALTZ IN NOW AND SAY “Hey, Leila, before you shoot Ana, we’re going to watch some secret footage of you wearing bad outfits in order to embarrass you on television!”

This is ridiculous. I don’t give 4 shits about any of this information. THE GIRL HAS A GUN. WHY IS THERE NO DIALOGUE. WHY ARE WE WASTING ALL THIS TIME WITH ANA’S STUPID OBSERVATIONS WHEN WE COULD BE SPENDING THIS TIME SHOOTING ANA IN THE FACE.

Maybe that was a little harsh…but if this ends and no one gets shot I will be LIVID.

So Ana starts asking Leila what she’s doing here, and Leila is really creepy about it and doesn’t say more than a few words.

And then Ana starts…making tea?

benji does not want

Um. What.

While waiting for the tea to brew, Leila asks Ana: “What do you have that I don’t?” Apparently this whole thing is because Christian lets Ana call him by his first name and lets her sleep in his bed and whatever.

“I’m not his submissive, Leila. Er…Master understands that I am unable, inadequate to fulfill that role.”
She tilts her head to the other side. It’s wholly unnerving and unnatural as a gesture.
“In-ad-e-quate.” She tests the word, sounding it out, seeing how it feels on her tongue.

Fun fact: apparently, having a mental breakdown means you stop being human and start talking like some bizarre E.T.-esque alien.

Ana asks Leila to give her the gun, but Leila says: “This is mine. It’s all I have left. So she can join her love.”

oh shit

I don’t even know what that means but it sounds sinister and I LOVE IT.

BAD THINGS ARE FINALLY HAPPENING. ACTUAL BAD THINGS. THERE’S AN ACTUAL PLOT AND AN ACTUAL BAD GUY AND THERE ARE ACTUAL CONSEQUENCES THAT COULD HAPPEN.

Alright, so who’s Leila gonna shoot? Any bets? My bet is everyone. And then the rest of the book will follow her as she tries to deal with the ramifications of what she’s done.

…I swear to god, my entire life’s work could be a series of book ideas I came up with while trying to make 50 Shades actually entertaining and interesting.

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