[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]
Oh, by the way, we still don’t know where Ethan is. Is he in the apartment, hostage? Is he dead? We have no idea.
Suddenly Christian bursts through the door with Taylor behind him.
Leila’s eyes widen, and for a moment, it seems her reason returns.
Christian Grey: Fixing Mental Illnesses Just By Walking Into The Room since 2011.
And then Christian basically has this weird staring contest with Leila, and Ana says there’s a “connection” or a “charge between them.”
Sooo basically what we have here is a Harry Potter vs. Voldemort wandfight, except 100,000 times more lame.
Ana somehow convinces herself that Christian is looking at Leila with love in his eyes? Except she also says his eyes are “boring” into her. So…I don’t know, I guess that could be misconstrued for “love,” coming from Christian. Ana gets all panicky and weird about it, because I guess she’s just constantly waiting for Christian to dump her ass (you and me both, Ana.).
Christian’s intense gaze burns brighter, and his bearing changes subtly. He looks taller, more angular somehow, colder, and more distant. I recognize this stance. I’ve seen him like this before–in his playroom.
My scalp prickles anew. This is Dominant Christian, and how at ease he looks.
CAN YOU STOP WORRYING ABOUT YOUR STUPID RELATIONSHIP FOR 4 FUCKING SECONDS. YOUR BOYFRIEND MIGHT GET SHOT.
Finally, he mouths a word at her. I can’t make out what it is, but the effect on Leila is immediate. She drops to the floor on her knees, her head bowed, and the gun falls and skitters uselessly across the wooden floor.
Apparently, being a submissive means you’re nothing more than a trained dog, ready to do a trick at any moment.
Are you fucking kidding me.
All that suspense, all that buildup, and Christian says one word and fixes the entire problem.
AND NO ONE EVEN FUCKING GETS SHOT. Christian just picks up the gun and puts it in his pocket and it’s over!
Here’s the thing, guys. If you want to write stories, there’s something you should know.
Bad things happen. A lot of the time, bad things happen to good people. Because if bad things DON’T happen, you’re not being honest. Think of any story you want. If it’s any good, bad things will happen. Cinderella? Bad things. Any Disney movie ever? Bad things. Harry Potter? LOTS of bad things.
It can have a happy ending, there’s nothing wrong with that. But when you write a story, bad things need to happen, and generally, those bad things are in direct proportion with how high the stakes are.
If your story is about 2 people in a relationship, the stakes aren’t that high. They might break up, they might not. They’ll probably fight, and that’s all the bad things you need.
But when your story is about 2 people in a super fucked up relationship and they fight all the time and there’s a crazy girl with a gun out there hunting them, something actually bad has got to happen.
Anton Chekhov, one of the most celebrated authors to ever live, once said this:
“If in the first act you have hung a pistol on the wall, then in the following one it should be fired. Otherwise don’t put it there.”
See, Ms. James, you hung your pistol on the wall way in the beginning when you said that Leila had gotten a concealed weapons permit. By not firing it, you essentially just wasted our time and built up all of this shit for absolutely no reason. In short, you made your entire story really. fucking. boring.
“HEY LOOK PEOPLE MIGHT GET SHOT! Just kidding, the ever-magical Christian Grey used his glittery voodoo dick to make all the bad things go away! Lololol” *E.L. James rides off on her sparkling rainbow dragon into the sunset*
I seriously can’t think of anything bad that happens in this book other than Christian Grey being a piece of shit and hitting his girlfriend. That’s the only real source of conflict, other than Jack Hyde being a fucking monster-creep. Oh, and the incident with José, but that was blown off as not a big deal anyway.
Even NORMAL bad things don’t happen! Ana gets a job right out of college (WITH AN ENGLISH DEGREE, NO LESS), and never has to worry about making money or paying rent or having a car or her health. Christian is just good at “business” and has all the money in the world (literally). No one in this book ever has to worry about ANYTHING other than whether or not Christian loves Ana enough (or vice versa, I guess).
It’s just annoying. The fun part of stories is watching how different characters solve problems. If there are no problems to solve, IT’S REALLY FUCKING BORING.
Christian orders Ana to go with Taylor out of the apartment, because I guess he needs to be alone with Leila for some reason? Christian also tells Ana that Ethan is downstairs, so he’s not even in the apartment, so there was literally nothing to worry about this whole time at all.
Uuuuugggghhhhh and then Ana starts whining because she’s convinced that Christian actually wants to be with a real submissive, not her, even though he’s told her at least a billion times that he’s happy with her.
HE LOVES YOU, YOU DOOFUS. THE ABUSIVE PSYCHOPATH LOVES YOU, STOP DOUBTING HIM.
This whole thing is so frustrating. I am currently 200% done with this fucking book.
So Ana goes downstairs and meets Ethan and explains everything and starts crying. Ethan asks why they haven’t called the cops, and Ana just says “It’s not like that.”
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT. IT IS EXACTLY LIKE THAT. LEILA WAS HOLDING YOU HOSTAGE WITH A GUN. HOW IS THAT NOT “LIKE THAT.” YOU CALL THE FUCKING SWAT TEAM FOR SHIT LIKE THAT.
So then while Ana is crying Ethan just holds her and comforts her.
WHY ISN’T ANA DATING ETHAN.
I WOULD READ 1,200 BOOKS ABOUT ANA AND ETHAN DATING.
FUCK EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS BOOK FOREVER.