Caitlin Liveblogs the 50 Shades trilogy: SPECIAL REPORT

Since my last liveblog, there has been some actual progress in the production of the 50 Shades of Grey movie that will inevitably be forced down our collective throat in a year or two. Though they’re still working on a script (which is to be written by Kelly Marcel, who apparently wrote for Terra Nova, the wretchedly scientifically-inaccurate TV show about humans going back in time and living with the dinosaurs), we now know who will be playing the two lead roles.

Anastasia Steele will be played by Dakota Johnson:

Christian Grey will be played by Charlie Hunnam:

While I think Dakota Johnson completely looks the part (which isn’t hard, considering the fact that the only real description we ever get of Ana is that she has brown hair), I’m…kind of shocked at the casting of Charlie Hunnam.

I mean, I’m shocked that they were able to cast anyone in either role, because no one seemed to want either role (I know Emma Watson refused to even consider it, and Armie Hammer from the Lone Ranger fiasco movie also flat out refused), but you’d think they’d cast someone who’s…idk…more Christian-like?

If there’s one thing we know from the books, it’s what Christian Grey looks like. We know what he looks like when he’s sleeping, when he’s playing piano, when they’re having sex, when he’s on a boat, when he’s taking pictures, when he looks at Ana, when he’s mad (usually at Ana), when he’s drunk, when he’s murdering women in the basement, when he’s reading books, when he’s at a bar, when he’s at a party…you name it, we know what he looks like when he’s doing it. 90% of the words in 50 Shades seem to be devoted entirely to telling us what Christian Grey looks like.

And, after reading all of those horrible descriptions, I can’t help but feel that Charlie doesn’t fit. Of course, that might just be because I don’t want him to play Christian Grey because I actually really like Charlie Hunnam, but he just…idk. I could see Charlie Hunnam playing literally any other role in the book. I could see him playing Taylor, or Ethan, or Elliot. ANYONE ELSE but Christian.

But maybe he’ll somehow make the movie slightly less unbearable to watch. Maybe.

To be honest, I’m just glad they didn’t cast Emilia Clarke as Ana. I love Emilia too much to see that happen.

Apparently E.L. James originally wanted Robert Pattinson to play Christian. L. O. L. As if he’d take part in another atrocious movie franchise. The poor guy already hates his life, why make it worse for him?

“But Caitlin, you’re talking like you’re already planning to see this movie…don’t you hate the books? Why would you go see the movie if you know you’re going to hate it?”

Sh-shut up. I’m…not. Uh. I’m definitely not going to see the movie ever because I definitely don’t want to see how much of a train wreck it is.

*cough*.

No but seriously, I fully plan to go see this movie once it comes to my local theater and I can pay like $5 for it instead of $14 trillion. I plan to watch it the same way I look at car crashes on the highway and the same way I watch disasters on the TV. I plan to watch it because it will be terrible.

I also plan to see the movie for the same reasons I’m reading all 3 books. I like to stay well-informed about things that I violently like. If I’m going to debate someone on the merits (as well as the horrifying flaws) of 50 Shades, I better do my research. I don’t want anyone to be able to shut down my arguments by saying “Well, you didn’t read that part of the book/watch the movie, so you don’t know. That part/movie was really good, though, I promise.”

I plan to point out the flaws in every aspect of this franchise because I want people to know that those flaws exist. It’s our job as consumers of media to be able to recognize the flaws in the media we consume, because those flaws can lead to really hurtful/dangerous/scary thoughts in our brains. Media shapes our culture. It seems only fair that we should try and shape the media by recognizing the flaws in it and working to change them in the future.

ANYWAY.

Long story short, the movie is probably going to be awful no matter who’s in the cast, but at least Dakota Johnson fits the part and Charlie Hunnam is a babe.

I think we all know who should have played Christian Grey though…

Who do YOU guys think would have been the best choices for the cast of 50 Shades? Leave your answer in the comments, I’ll post my favorites sometime next week!

Stay tuned, Chapter 15 will be up later tonight!

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2 thoughts on “Caitlin Liveblogs the 50 Shades trilogy: SPECIAL REPORT

  1. hey Caitlin! First time I’m stopping by! This movie will be my guilt pleasure, for sure! So bad it hurts, but you can’t stay away…hahaha

    Well, my choices for Anastasia and Christian are Mila Kunis and Henry Cavill (or maybe Matt Bomer). I guess she’s cute and he’s hot as hell.

    thanks for such an awesome blog! I always laugh A LOT when I read the chapters!

  2. I really want the movie to not actually exist because I know that at some point, I will see it. Sort of for your reasons, sort of because I just want to see how badly they wreck this already train wreck of a book. Our society is so scared to portray sex of any kind other than the fade-to-black bullshit that I can’t imagine what the bulk of this movie is going to compose. Or what it’s going to be rated. So, yeah, I’ll go see it, just so I can be mad that they took erotica and made it into some sort of Disney franchise.

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